Pretty sure its a MLC, now what?

[Truegritter]

Will that ever go away?

Lala there is a loss to mourn here.

Your old M.

There is soemthing not there that used to be there.

You miss it.

These feelings are normal.

It is your choice what to do with them once you feel them.

Feelings are spontaneous so by their nature cannot be controlled.

Yes?

We CAN control how we let it affect us though.

What happened when you were GALing?

You felt better right?

And when not? Notsomuch?

People use different techniques to stop the affects of feelings. Snap a rubber band on your wrist. Visualize a STOP sign. You can control them. It is hard but we all have done it.

This will get easier when you commit to detaching and using the the tools we give you to help.

Help you to heal

[seeking answers]

Lala,

Time is our greatest gift in this.

Time is what you have to figure out what it is that will help you move forward.

You have time to learn how to deal with those feelings of loss.

And it is time that helps you to heal and get past this if you let it.

It does get better. You are already on your way by being here and getting the tools necessary to help yourself.

(((Hugs)))

[MHL]

Lala,

I am so glad you are taking these steps, you are on your journey. Just the fact that you recognize and identify your emotions and are dealing with them in a more constructive way is evidence to your progress already.

SA said it.....Time will be your friend.

Your doing great!!

[ericmsant2]

Lala,

As Grit pointed out you need to grieve the loss. You need to feel it. Don't alway run the feeling Lala. Don't. In order for YOU to move forward this is a phase that you must go through. I wish I could tell you that there is a pill you could take to make it all go away but I can't. Having said this...remember...every thing in time. Please be gentle on yourself...

As SA mentioned - take this time for you. For your M. Take this time to heal to become stronger.

God Bless,
Eric

[lala09]

Had my DB coaching session with Jody this morning - so great! She helped me get excited for me and me alone. Great confidence booster and really helps me to understand the place where H is at which I think also helps with detachment.

So even though H is only 5 minutes down the road right now, I am okay with that distance for right now. And yes, I say right now because I know I am still working on managing my emotional roller coaster. I have learned that it isn't going to be a short healing.

Heading out for pedicures, lunch, and pool time with friends today! As I'm getting ready, I'm singing to the Glee Cast station on Pandora and dancing around in my PJ's using my brush as my microphone! Yep, still in PJ's at noon (hey, it's my day off from DD).

[lala09]

Saturday morning I'll be picking up DD and possibly seeing H and talking to him about my decision to move back home permanently. My DB coach talked me through what that might look like, but I am still anxious about it even though I'm trying to remember that whatever I SAY tomorrow won't really matter, it is the ACTIONS I take once I'm back home that will make the real impact...maybe.

[lala09]

So H and I just talked, he was already on the road heading back home. Recapped his time with D and it sounded like it went well. His parents weren't too overbearing aside from his Mom leaving him with numerous books and reading material. Bah!

Then I tried to casually transition into my plans to move back there and get a job, etc. The rest of the conversation was weird and awkward. He said that money is getting tight and that he had already started planning on moving forward with me living with my parents up here and having free child care. When I said I planned to get a job back home, he thought that was useless because the cost of child care would just negate my income. I informed him that I was actually looking at something full time and he didn't really respond to that. I was in accounting so a full time salary should definitely provide something after childcare costs. Back at the beginning of all of this (fall '09) when he told me he lost respect for me when I quit my job to stay home with D, we got to talking about how I thought he really valued having me stay home with her. He said that he would either want me to watch her or our family members. I really felt like he was confused as to why I was getting a job, like I had planned to just live off of him for awhile or something and stay at my parents forever? Ack.

So then he said he can't keep his current place (it was a giant really nice loft...with no furniture in it), and will have to look for something smaller at half the cost (its about time!) And then it was just weird...I really got the feeling that he like didn't want me back there even though D would be with me.

Mixed in with that I did mention that I was sorry for giving him an ultimatum and saying I was done last week. At first he said you don't have to apologize for how you feel, and when I said I don't actually feel like I am done fighting he said so you take back everything from last week (he sounded shocked). I said no, that I was actually very overwhelmed by his travel but that I hadn't reached my limit for now.

I ended it light and open...I have no idea where that leaves us or what is next...

[lala09]

Talked to H again regarding some mail that he left here. He brought up me moving back home and said that he feels like he has whiplash because he had been working on getting used to the idea of me being gone and what to do with the house, finances, etc. and now he is thrown off and wants to make sure I'm coming back for me and not for him. I explained that while I was glad I came up here because it gave me time to think, I realized that my life is in Cincinnati, and that I do not expect anything from him upon my return. That is pretty much where we left it.

I want to explain more to him, but I think the DB thing to do would be to just let him go and process this latest development, right? Its hard to just let this go. And, to be honest, I am a little hurt that he could start moving forward so quickly after I left.

[MHL]

I want to explain more to him, but I think the DB thing to do would be to just let him go and process this latest development, right? Its hard to just let this go. And, to be honest, I am a little hurt that he could start moving forward so quickly after I left.

lala,
Great job!!!! letting him process what you said.

Being hurt.....time to detatch and remember this maxim...."believe nothing he says".

He is doing anything but moving forward. If he really took a moment and thought things through really all the way to the end. He might be rethinking his actions.

I explained that while I was glad I came up here because it gave me time to think, I realized that my life is in Cincinnati, and that I do not expect anything from him upon my return. That is pretty much where we left it.

This is good but just want to make sure he fully expects to support his D in the form of child support and support for you until you find employement. Even at that point you would be entitled to alimony given "his" decision to leave. Other than those "expectations" yes you have no expectations of him emotionally. Don't let him off the hook.

He does need to figure out that financially he is not escaping his responsibilities by separating or divorcing. On the otherhand it will be far more draining than to stick with the M and work it out. You don't need to tell him this, let him figure it out on his own.

He brought up me moving back home and said that he feels like he has whiplash because he had been working on getting used to the idea of me being gone and what to do with the house, finances, etc. and now he is thrown off and wants to make sure I'm coming back for me and not for him.

This is good time to validate his feelings while at the same time letting him know that he is going to have to do a little more homework on figuring out the consequences of his choices.

You could say if he brings this up again....

H, I understand your feelings of "whiplash" with regards to me deciding to come back to "our" home with "our" D. As I said before I was overacting to an emotionally charged moment and I have had time to clear my thoughts. I feel it is important for "our" D to grow up in "our" home.

Let him figure out the finances. Meanwhile you are looking for a job and that is great.

If when you return home he wants to continue to come over and do things then I would let him and again nuture the friendship but do not have any expectations.

When you are frustrated come here to vent. If you feel yourself getting upset or angry with him then politely excuse yourself and go somewhere else to deal with you emotions. Do not become your emotions and resist the temptation to initiate R talks unless he is ready to talk about reconciliation and even then you would proceed with caution.

Keep us updated, your doing great!!!

[lala09]

Todays message at church was on patience, one of the tag lines I came away with was:

The pain you are feeling now is NOTHING in comparison to the JOY that is yet to come.

Chin up, Friends!