Just found out she already filed

[alice444]

Actually, in my humble opinion, you need to do more of this- what you did. Instead of bailing her out, continue to focus on you and DD. She's made her bed, she can lie in it. Sure, she's your D's mom- and anything that concerns D- XW can't pick her up, D can't be with her b/c XW is really sick, etc., of course you'll come through. But if she doesn't ask, do not step in SR. You still need major detaching- b/c you're even considering swooping in to help still.

Re-read what you wrote above about what she said. This is how she thinks of you: a convenient money source who bails her out and that she's entitled to your help. Unfortunately, she probably would not feel the same as you did if she heard you were sick- I'm sorry, but given what I know, that's true.

Someone here said something like (maybe robx?): Never make them the priority when you're the option. Every time you do, it chips away at a bit of yourself until all your behavior, actions, thoughts revolve around this person who has many other options, with you being just one of those options that's sometimes convenient for them to lean on or get help from (think of all the times: she needs $, her roommate is leaving, she has no childcare, is without her furniture, she needs your help with the DSL, etc. And think about how she's sweet right before she needs something from you... But during all the other times- 99% of the time- does she act kindly? ask about you? even act as a friend? I'll leave you to answer).

As your friend, I want for you what you want for me- to focus on you and DD, be the best dad and happiest person- independent of STBXW- that you can be. As time passes and you work on this, you will naturally act on these "save her" thoughts less and less, then feel the need to write about them less and less, then THINK about them less and less, until, one day, a few hours or days will pass without you thinking of her in any capacity except as a co-parent. It will happen, but there's still a lot of work to do towards it. You don't have to forget the good times or hate her, you don't have to be mean or vindictive, but you also don't let her win by letting your anger and hurt keep you stuck in limbo or some dark place, or even let her take up any more than the minimum space in your mind while you could be moving towards a better future.

((((Big Hugs))))

-A

[BobbiJo]

I agree with Alice. I have had several people, good ole Mike from Tennessee in particular, ask me, "Would a friend or even acquaintance treat you the way he does, say the things he would say to you?" And the answer is, no. I get alternating nice chit-chat (I have leftover Chinese, want it? Kids said you were sick, feeling better?) blended with spew (You never listen, that's why I am so done with you. Get some better bug spray. Why didn't D take a nap. etc etc)

And I wouldn't hang out with or put up with anyone else treating me that way, I bet you wouldn't either.

Nice of you to think of her when she is sick, I have the same initial reaction about my own ex. But thinking it and doing it are two different things. Glad you didn't act on it.

And thanks for all the car advice! My tranny is dying I think. It has done more of those little "surges" this week to the point I am trading it in this weekend. At the detail shop now, they said, "Your transmission fluid needs replaced, and your air filter..." I cut em off and said in 24 hours it will be someone else's problem, so please just make it look nice. Anyway appreciate your support and mechanical knowledge!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Aw thanks for keeping me company guys!! I appreciate your advice and wisdom very much.

So here's my email to her from a couple of days ago and here's her reply from an hour ago:

Hi, I left the phone cable and a DSL filter in her cubby this morning.

I put the July schedule on the calendar here:

[google calendar link]

or here if you want it to go to your iphone's calendar:

[google calendar link]


Let me know if you see any discrepancy.

Do you have both tweezers? Can I have one?

Thanks

Her reply:


I left a tweezer in DD's cubby in a ziploc bag. Can I please have my pillow and sheets back? There is also a full sized red sheet that is probably at your house that I used one week for her school sheet because I didn't have any small ones.

I can't get the dsl to work yet but was sick yesterday and Tuesday so couldn't really figure it out. If I can't get it to work, I'd really prefer to have the 2wire one back.


Notice how her words have changed from 'the house' to 'your house' since she has her own house now...nice.

Anyway, so my first thought about the DSL modem is tough! get your own. Why should I disrupt my service/connection and buy a new one. But then I'm like...well I think I can probably get the other modem I gave her to work so she can have it.

Lastly, she came out and said she was sick the past two days but didn't say anything about today so I probably won't say anything. Or should I say something like 'hope you're feeling better- just ask if you need something or want me watch DD'?

DD's with STBXW today but I'll have her this weekend. Got home, pick up around the house, did my P90x workout, noticed I can't get my six-pack abs to show unless I suck my stomach in...maybe I need to change my abs routine to something more effective. My diet these days is terrible too. The main guy organizing the 4x4 trip cancelled due to some work realted stuff going on so that's a bummer. I was so looking forward to sleeping under the starry skys listening to the sounds of the night.

[whatisis]

Go with "hope your feeling better" don't offer sh!t. She knows you'll jump in if she needs you! She knows you well enough.

[bluestar]

Maybe it's trivial, but I say don't give it to her. Let her go to Best Buy.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Thanks blue, so how should I tell her no?

"I'm using the dsl modem and don't want to revisit the whole dsl line fiasco again. You'll have to find one on craigslist or bestbuy. Hope you're feeling better"

[kat727]

How about..."Hope you are feeling better. Saw a pretty good deal on a modem at XXX, you might want to check it out."

You are no longer the person she can come to and ask for help unless it involves DD. I know it sounds cruel but this is what she decided that she wants. Don't let her cake eat.

kat

[ImprovedRomeo]

She's not going to like that, I can sense it already. She'll say it's her's because she got it with her DSL service when we were last separated. Then again, she forced me to switch the DSL lines from her name to mine soon after she left. Now a few months later she gets her service and wants the same dsl modem when she could've ordered one right from AT&T for a measly $40.

I mean really it's petty stuff but I need to put her in her place. I don't owe her anything, she thinks she can manipulate me to get what she wants including subtle threats, demands, pleading, playing a victim etc. It's been the general theme with her.

[kat727]

But why do you care whether she likes it or not? Do you like the idea of divorcing? She wants you to cave and rescue her...but it is time for this damsel to learn how to stand on her own to feet. It is all about choices...the ones she made.

Look it took a car wreck 2 years ago to get me to understand this. The accident wasn't my fault but I had S17(then 15) with me and we were both shaken up. First person I thought to call was H. After finding out that I could still drive the car and we weren't hurt, he didn't feel any responsibility to be there. I did ask him to come and he did about an hour later. He was done and none of this stuff mattered to him anymore.

Your W though is playing it for all she can. She wants it to be over but for you to come and fix everything for her like before. She can't have it both ways.

kat

[NoLongerHere]

I agree. Something as simple as "you get get one at Best Buy" will suffice.

If she makes a deal about it, something as simple as "this isn't a big deal, this is an easy problem to solve, you need one, just go get one." Don't argue...