I think the emotional and financial trauma individually suffered by one of the spouses in many D cases can be comparable to that suffered in MAJOR natural disasters, acts of war or social injustice. It is compounded by the fact that for the most part you might suffer(grieve) alone(privately) for many years with no public understanding or assistance. That said, its back to saving K and her family ...
I understand what John is saying but I also think that adultery is like a war on the home front, especially if you are still sharing a house. It is an invasion and you bear battle scars.It is a fight and you can become fatigued just as a soldier would. Of course I have never experienced a major natural disaster and hope never to.
Kalni, I am reading along as always and wishing you and your family the best. You are a fighter and I appreciate your honest and real posts on your journey.
Why not take care of you? That's the hardest thing to do and often the most rewarding.
More than a few people have suggested seeking out individual counseling for the extended trauma you've gone through. You're a strong passionate woman who's gotten used to holding the world up on her shoulders.
But that's not living.
As a good friend told me at the onset of the divorce, "If you broke your arm would you fix it yourself? And if you did how good a job would it be? You go to a professional. Seeking counseling is one and the same. You still have to process all these emotions.. it's better, easier and faster to do it with the help of a professional."
I fought my way against her advice and resisted. Then another doc actually called up the psychologist asking her to make an appointment for me. I was too scared to move forward.
I remember months ago you posted to me when I was down that I was someone who continually grew through this process. It touched my heart and helped so much. And one of the reasons why.. aside from having strong support of family and friends.. was having the counselor who's helped me learn to stop hurting myself and become healthy.
Seeking professional help was something I was insulted by, didn't want, felt I was stronger than.. but has been the best thing that's ever happened.
I agree with Gypsy...IC really can help deal with this stuff. I am so grateful for how IC has helped me in the past, and I would like to start doing it regularly again.
(((hugs))) Kalni
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
There are 2 kid's free weekends planned. One on the 28 of August and one in September at the place from the competition.
It has been quiet and nice. We spent time together due to a strike (lol) and the weekend. We went shopping and for a coffee together on Sat morning and had sex on Sat night. He was all day, touching my hands, hugging me etc. But again, at night, NO words, NOTHING, not even, a "yes" or a "no". In the morning, I hugged him and asked him why cant he say he loves me. His answer was "why do you wake up with a complaint, it's not nice", when I said "because it is serious for me", he said "I guess I am that kind of person, dont express myself much with words". And that would be fine and acceptable if I didnt know already that he WAS talking to her during love making etc etc. And yes I know, I am obssessing but it is a fact that I am aware of and my husband seems to be settling with me. And that is worse than me settling with him, IMO.
Anyway, we are planning our vacation and I am doing hard work on myself, trying to control and minimize my flashbacks and obssessive thoughts.
This week it is her birthday and on August 5th is the day I found out the truth... K
IC... I am not negative about ICs. I went to an IC for more than a year, tried a couple before I decided which one to keep etc etc...
I am not rejecting the idea right now either. I went for 3-4 apts after Christmas with a new one. She was nice and all but couldnt handle me. I was leading and I need to be led. I have read so much and have done so much research about how to overcome infidelity that I doubt someone here in Greece would know more and be able to help me. Plus the most common way they suggest is to "get over it" which drives me mad.
I have been finding great help with Passionate Marriage and the truth is that the only way I can get out of this mental situation is hold on to myself and be at peace with me.
I read advice on the board about asking for reassurances, boundaries, no contact rules etc etc. Being in piecing for more than 8 months I believe that in the very beginning all these things are essential but also a very emotional way to ease our own anxiety and pain by thinking we can control our spouses so that they cant hurt us again. We WANT To believe we can control them, that they cant outsmart us, that we know THIS time what is going on and we can protect ourselves...The truth is very different.
You are absolutely right K. The truth of what you are able to ask for, the boundaries that you choose to draw, and the response you expect is very different in every situation. I see a lot of parallels in your sitch to my current one but we started in totally different places. Your H chose to come back to you and has stated that he wants only you. That is huge! The ILY that you are looking for will come.....he is expressing his love in other ways than words. Words are not always trustworthy....as we all know quite well! Trust his actions, his attitude and the words will come eventually.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Lots of sensitive dates coming up. That's always rough.
I love the couples time you guys have planned.
It's too bad he got defensive about the ILY thing. Sounds like what you said to him really hit a sensitive spot. Almost an "it's just how I am, but obviously that's not good enough for you".
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
