Need a Plan for My Marriage

[idontunderstand]

LSG

Thanks for being one of my biggest supporters. It means a lot, trust me.

Not much time right now, I will check in later.

[LSG]

IDU,

No problem! I feel the same about you.

Last night W starts another argument about the way I raise the kids. We went to a yogurt shop, and the kids and I were having a great time. I think that W felt left out especially with D. S wanted to be with me too last night more than W. W wanted to try to be with kids. Kids wanted to be with me. Very interesting. I asked to get 2 more samples. He is 4, but very intelligent. I was really going to go with him, but I was just playing around with him. W is you don't ask your kid to do that. Your are an adult. I just made no big deal out of it. I felt scolded a bit. Oh, well.

Daughter then tells her to stop being that way to daddy, and you do it too. She said why don't you stop asking us to always tell him what you want to say. You should do yourself. You do the same things. Daddy needs someone to stick up for him. W said I will not talk about this with you right now. D said I want to talk about this now. W just told her not now, and D told her she is wrong for what she is doing. I told W to quit with telling me and everyone else what we are doing wrong, and I ended it right there.

Daughter was crying about having bad dreams last night and is sad about our family. She did tell me that she had a nice dream about me last night.

Son told me that he did a good job going to bed, and he hoped I was proud of him.

All W did when we got home last night was sit in the bedroom, and watch a movie and ignore us all. Fun evening. It was going good for everyone at the end of last week, but she is even worse this week than usual.

The kids and I will be okay. They need me to be make sure they are okay.

They wanted to play homeless because W told that is going to happen to them in front of them once. They wanted me to play too. Son said is worried how he will find me if I am ever homeless. I told to not worry about anything, and everything will be okay. He was happy to hear that.

She needs to see what her actions are doing to the kids.

[idontunderstand]

My God, this whole post is just heartbreaking.

I'm so sorry to hear that your kids are picking up on what an a$$ your W is being towards you. It's odd that even they know it's wrong and they're so little.

I have had similar stories but have not posted them. My W swears they have never heard her talking about moving or leaving me, but I had to hold my D while she cried for almost an hour because she heard mom say they were moving. Then, to hear D try to figure it out in her little mind; "I must have heard her wrong, Daddy, I know we would never leave you. You are my Baby Daddy and I love you." (ever since she was little I called her my baby girl and as she learned how to talk she started calling me her baby daddy and was so cute I just never corrected her)

Damn, I am tearing up just writing this.

I feel your pain. We have to be strong for them, no other choice. They know more than we think. They know how much you love them and what mom is doing is wrong. I guess that has to be enough for a while.

Draw your strength from them and let them feel it from you.

[LSG]

W told me last night that she is having a sleep with a girlfriend of hers next Friday, and she will be going with her in the morning to breakfast. She said the Friday after that that she is having another get together for a going away party. I don't know what to believe whether this is true or not. I said "okay."

Then I found on her cell phone a TM from a former co-worker that is broke up from his girlfriend. He asked her through her facebook account to dinner. Could this be OM2.

I don't know what to think of this all.

[LSG]

IDU,

It is horrible for the kids most of all. I feel so sad for you and your D. It is terrible what they go through with all this stuff. They suffer the most. I am quite sad and have cried from the trauma they have been put through.

I pray for you and your kids.

[DanF]

Not much to say to you guys, but I feel your pain. We all appear to be in just about the same place at the moment.

W asked me last night, "What's the problem?" I said "You are destroying my family." She acted shocked to hear I would think that. "I am desrtoying your family? I can't talk to you when you are like this." I didn't even want to look at her.

Hang in there LSG, IDU, FFH and everyone else. We will persevere.

[LSG]

DanF,

These WAS are destroying families. She is not going to take responsibility for anything right now, so it is best for you to not even look at her because it will cause you more pain.

You will be okay as you move through this very difficult time for you and your family.

[DaddyLongShanks]

DanF,

These WAS are destroying families. She is not going to take responsibility for anything right now, so it is best for you to not even look at her because it will cause you more pain.

You will be okay as you move through this very difficult time for you and your family.

Hey LSG.

Sometimes we have to look at it from their perspective. She's doing exactly what she wants to do. It feels good for her and she's in love with the lover.

She doesn't understand that the act of doing the affair is generating a lust in the brain, similar to a criminal getting away with crimes over and over again. She also doesn't understand that the act of doing the affair has generated a gap in between you and her. She's going to protect her decision and she's "in love". This is the truth to her. The truth is also she doesn't feel any if much at all for you, and has a strong feeling and feelings of connection to the affair partner. That she feels any attempt to explain this to her, is you trying to break them up. That she made an adult decision and she's comfortable with it, even though there is a small amount of guilt for what she did to you that she's moving on with her life.

So knowing this, what can we do?

I remember when I had an affair in my previous situation there were a couple of things that could have awaken me and brought me home with a newfound intensity.

I'll make a list:

1. If I found that the affair partner was intentionally messing with me to drive a wedge between me and my wife, to break us up and she would ruin me after this.
2. If I found that my affair partner was having an affair with me to get information which she would provide to cronies and others so they could rob, decieve me and put me and my then family into harms way.3
3. If any of the affair partners "world" had attacked me or my family.
4. If the affair partner had jeopardized my career or the affair was found to intenionally put me in harms way or hurt my reputation
5. If I discovered that the affair partner was a "professional", that she preyed on married men and there was a pattern - that after the affair the husband was fleeced.
6. If I discovered the affair partner had a pattern of people she had relationships with suffered from a demise.


outside of this there was not much. With the last ditch effort, anything goes because she's not being ethical with you. How about generating one of these conditions with enough evidence that it is "real" to her, that affair partner was only getting close to intentially put her, you and your family in harms way or to open you up for blackmail, etc?

[idontunderstand]

W asked me last night, "What's the problem?" I said "You are destroying my family." She acted shocked to hear I would think that. "I am destroying your family? I can't talk to you when you are like this." I didn't even want to look at her.

That about sums it all up. I have heard similar things as I'm sure we all have to one degree or another. It's no wonder we drive ourselves crazy trying to understand them and trying to save our M when we are obviously not dealing with people in their right minds. In their minds, we are the ones who are at fault for EVERYTHING.

As we become wiser and learn all of this for ourselves, we really have no other choice but to let them go, drop the rope, hit the road, see ya, wouldn't want to be ya. Someone posted on my thread yesterday(I'll go back and see who so I can give props!)that "IDU could become as smart as Einstein and have the body of Atlas and it still wouldn't attract his W to him while she is having an A." That is a very loose quote.
So we finally get to the point where we realize what all the vets tell us when we first log on: agree with her that it's over, validate her when she bitches about how bad you were, don't argue with her, stand up to her and don't let her push you around, don't be afraid of her or afraid if she will leave.
She cannot be reasoned with. Period.

I understand having young kids involved adds an extra layer of suckiness to the whole deal. Those of us in that boat really have to follow the same path. The ONLY way that they MAY come back is to know that we are fine with their decision, we will be okay, even great without them and can't wait to start our new, single lives.

Either way, eventually, we will be great!

[LSG]

IDU,

I hope for all you say to be true. I will keep my optimism. It is a terrible situation to be in.

The kids, W, and I will have dinner together tonight, so the kids are able to use their coupons they are receiving at a reading program at the library. I hope it is fun for them. I am sure that it will be the same for W and me. I do not eat enough these days, and it is all you can eat, so I am going to eat a lot.

I wish you, DanF, and the many others like us peace in their lives, marriages, and families.

We will be okay one way or another.