She thinks that dieting, working out, going to church as well as listening to her when she talks is just too much "in her face" reminding her of how she felt overwhelmed by me when we first started dating.
I'm very confused about this statement. She was overwhelmed in a good way....or not? You were in her face when you were dating?
Thank you for sharing about your health battles. It may or may not be the cause of what started your W acting the way she is. Dealing with life & death issues are not for the faint of heart.....nor the immature. Also, after the battle is won...then there is the day to day things that go along with health challenges. I've seen some family members start out as real cheerleaders supporting the one with health issues, but after time goes by...the stress becomes more than that family member could handle.
I've alos witnessed people who was as solid as a rock. Those who never gave up and seem to always be able to dig a little deeper in order to find the strength needed to keep pushing forward. I'm not taling about the person with the health issues....I'm talking about the spouse or parent or adult child....whoever is standing by their side.
Citygirl is very right on when she says people do not understand if they've not had to fight for their life. Neither do folks understand what it's like to live with a disease or a physical challenge....unless it is in their family where it's been up close. I have been in utter shock at some things that people have said to the one who is "dealing". You know it is said in ignorance b/c they don't have a clue.
Okay, so enough about that. Didn't mean to stay on that subject so long but I guess I'm seeing your W as being somebody who may be trying to "escape" her reality. She felt vitimized when you got cancer. In the beginning, she probably thought life (or God) had been unfair to the two of you. Before all was said and done, she feels sorry for herself. If she thought you were not fighting hard enough or whatever she thought you should do......then she sort of displaced her emotion b/c she didn't know how to handle it.
When I think back of the time I started getting into on-line chatting.....it can be traced back to things similar. It is no excuse at all, but it happens. If an individual has more pressure than they can handle mentally.....or for a very long, long time, then something is going to give.
What could you do to change your physical situation? Nothing. Take excellent care of yourself for yourself. But listen to me....the bag should not affect her attraction to you unless she has the maturity of peanut. Yes, women like strong, confident men......but that is within you, not on the outside. It is all about attitude. You be the sexiest, most self-confident guy she'll ever hope to share air with!
Oh, I have to go.....but I'll be back!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
When my H took our only car after he moved out w/o ANY legal agreement in place to do so I took the bus THREE hours each way to get my treatment. Sexy, no? Warrior? YES. I did this for close to 18 months. If somebody thought that wasn't all that attractive then F*** them.
<this isn't aimed at anybody other than the WAS who use an illness as a complaint>
I definitely second that statement and that attitude is attractive!
She thinks that dieting, working out, going to church as well as listening to her when she talks is just too much "in her face" reminding her of how she felt overwhelmed by me when we first started dating.
I'm very confused about this statement. She was overwhelmed in a good way....or not? You were in her face when you were dating?
Before we started dating, she felt overwhelmed by the attention I was giving her. I sent her flowers, gave her poetry, stuff like that. We were also working together, so she felt that I was "always there" in her face. Not a good thing. She's even joked that she "married her stalker," though I was definitely not stalking her. I was just a head over heels romantic.
She's even joked that she "married her stalker," though I was definitely not stalking her. I was just a head over heels romantic.
Okay, it sounds as if you laid it on pretty heavy. She said she liked the attention you gave her.....but you must have caused her to feel smothered a bit. Some guys tend to do that when they fall so hard and can't get enough of the girl.
OTOH, maybe she felt like you went to extremes and thinks that is what you're doing now. That's why it's important that you're not breathing down her neck and she recognizes you are making changes for yourself. IDK, I'm mind reading and that is one thing we shouldn't do, but for some reason her making that statement jumped out at me as being important.
You mentioned that you were a passive type of person. And you went on to say you were very laid back, etc. People who are easy going, have a gentle spirit,etc. can become passive in a MR. I strongly believe many H's on this board has fallen into a pit of being passive with their W and it leads to trouble. He thinks by letting her do whatever she wants and he doesn't contridict her that things will go smoothly. It may appear to be so at that moment, but she starts to lose respect for him and over time....it builds up a wall that's very tall & thick. If it continues, the resentment is so mingled with disrespect until she loses her sexual attraction for him. A woman can't be sexually attracted to a man who will let her walk all over him. When she doesn't respect her H then she becomes very unattractive and loses her inner beauty. Often, a woman will be loud, obnoxious and a bully. She has taken over the household, the family, and the M.
You do not have to change your personality if you have a "good ole boy", easy going type.......but for goodness sake don't be passive with your wife & children. That does not work. You are the leader over your family. It is natural that they look to you, but if they have not had the leadership they need from you....they will stop looking at you and you will have a rebellion. Your own wife will begin to act much like a rebellious teenager b/c she doesn't respect you as a man or her H--and that leads to intimate unhappiness for her.
Maybe something about your attitude during your hardest times at the hospital did something to her. But if it's been five years and things have continue to go downward, then she's built a wall around herself (or so it sounds). That wall can be torn down but in many cases it's done by a brick at a time.....depending on the stitch.
You are doing a lot of great things to improve yourself and get in better shape. It's important that you look good when she sees you. A man can be sexy in jeans & a white T-shirt if he's clean and smeels good and has his hair combed. But if he's laying around in a bathrobe, needing a shave, and his hair standing in 5 directions....that doesn't work very well for her.
If you are decked out and come through the room she's in...just long enough for her to get a good look and smell your great cologne....and you say, "Gotta go, I'm late", then her interest will immediately spark. She'll want to know what, where, who, etc. Don't lie, but be very vague. "I'll have my cell if you need me, see you later".
You may be going to the library to read for a couple of hours, but you don't give her all those details. Or if you do, she probably wouldn't believe you would look that good just to go to the library! Plus, she'll wonder why you are in such a good mood. Puts a little mystery in there and it kind of makes things fun for you as you are able to reclaim your life while you are finding the man you use to be. It gives her some space and hopefully, she'll be thinking of you while you're out. When you get back home, you have very little to say when she starts with the questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think that I misspoke about being passive. I'm probably more passive-aggressive and I see myself (and she has seen me) as being difficult and controlling. So my 180 with this is just to be direct, say exactly what I think and need.
The brick by brick idea is something I've decided is accurate. This has built up slowly over time, and it'll take a lot of effort and time to tear it down brick by brick. I'm sure that as she sees the changes in me persist, it'll get easier, but for now she doesn't trust me to follow through.
So I'm primarily concentrating on getting in better shape, improving my appearance, being a great father, being much calmer than I've been in the past 5 years, and also being there for her when she's ready to talk.
One thing our MC said in my solo session is that we both need to be brave enough to talk to each other when something is pressing. That we got to this point in our R by avoiding the tough subjects. In a lot of ways, the homework the MC is assigning us is good because it kind of forces my W to think about her actions a bit more than she normally would.
So when I go out tonight, I don't tell her where I'm going, just that she can reach me by cell if she needs me. Friday's is movie night for her with our two Ds, so she can put them to bed etc.
But WTH do I tell her when I get home? She'll be really curious, and I don't want to lie to her.
I don't think it's necessary to tell her she can reach you by cell phone. She already knows that. Just say you're going out. If she asks what time you'll be home....you don't know. If she asks where you are going....you're not sure where you may end up being. The point is making yourself unavailable to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Came home Friday, and when W heard I had lunch with my sister (whom she works with) she had a meltdown; "I don't have anyone to talk to now!" Yada Yada Yada. Ironic considering she's the one who's said she has tons of friends and that being social is easy for her, while I'm the no life introvert.
She wanted to talk, so while our Ds were outside, I listened to her go on and on about how uncomfortable she was with me in the house. About the only thing I really said was that our MC wanted us to sit down and discuss boundaries and space so she could think through all of the issues. W just kept focusing on not losing "her babies" and how she had no options. She made a big dramatic show of throwing away the MC notes and saying "Forget it, I'll just suck it up like I have before."
She also made a few comments about how when I was sick, no one paid her any attention, that it was all about me because I had cancer...These were really bitter and angry comments, and showed that she is harboring a huge amount of anger, bitterness and resentment.
She also said that she felt like all the improvements I had been making in myself were just to win her back, that I was checking off items on her "honey do" list, expecting them to win her back. I told her that I was focusing on three things, taking better care of myself health wise, being a great father, and becoming a better person.
The book our MC is having her read is Too Good To Leave, Too Bad to Stay, and the very first question is "when things were good in your relationship, were they really good or have they been questionable all along." It's kind of a quintessential question, and she said she thought that they had been bad from the start. I think this is a lie, or she's just been a great liar for 13 years.
So when I saw that all she was going to do was dig her heels in about "sucking it up" so she could be with our Ds, I told her that I was going to go out and I'll see you later. Stayed out til midnight then came home.
That sounds nuts. I was a cancer patient also at MDAnderson. I am glad i didn't have a wife like that. I understand the check list. She should be happy that you are trying. I would love it if my ex had such a list. She should see that as a compliment but people are different. I think many lbers remember only the good times in the relationship and WAers remember the worst parts. There is good and bad in all relationships. Keep working on yourself and make the changes to make you a better person despite what she thinks.
"I don't want to fight with you. It's been a long and stressful week. I'm learning and discovering new things everyday and I'm terrified that you won't really hear me. I think we see things very differently. "
Yep!
I don't want to stay in a marriage where someone is willing to "suck it up" and be miserable just to stay with her kids. I think she's cake eating, and scared to put on her BGP...
