Still trying to find my way

[bluestar]

NM, that's why I said may need to pull way back on vistation for awhile so your S can process all the events(with the C approval of course).

I'm worried about her H using what her S has said so far against her. He's spinning this story with his family and who knows what he's got S to say in front of them. Of course, she needs legal advice. But IMO, counseling for S comes first.

By the way, without a formal agreement in place, you both are in a very precarious spot. I know that you don't want to file for a D but you may really need to think about filing for S to protect yourself and your S.

[Mystik]

Wow, lots to catch up on. Let me cover a few key areas first.

H and I have custody and support orders in place. We do not have a legal separation or anything like that in place. So everything as far as DS goes is set, but as far as NYS is concerned H and I are legally married so he is absolutely committing adultery.

DS sees a therapist on Monday the 12th. This weekend I will be making a list of things that DS has said/done that are areas of concern for me. I will let H know, probably at the exchange on Sunday, of DS's appointment if he wants to go. But I will be sure that we talk individually to the therapist so that H cannot try to dispute or twist what I say should he choose to attend the appointment. Actually, I may not tell H about the first appointment, I'll let him know for the next one, should there be a second one which I'm quite confident of.

As for H's family, it does make me sad that they are turning their backs towards me when they had said two months ago if I ever needed them they were there for me. But I know their loyalties lie with H, and whatever tales he's telling, I can't do anything about.

[courageous wife]

Hey Mystik...what a mess!

I am sorry about what is happening with your S and H...do be careful, I am sure your are, about what you say around and to your S as it will come back to haunt you!

I had told my kids when they found out about OW that they didn't have to like her but that they needed to be polite to her. I hate hearing them talk about her but try to let them see that it upsets me...

(((hugs)))

[Mystik]

Swiss Miss, hi and welcome. My son is very smart and picks up on things. He also has a very vivid imagination so he comes up with some crazy ideas on his own that to him are very real. DS tells me nothing about H which I'm ok with. Good luck with your H.

Bluestar, DS is 6. I thought at that age he should be allowed the same privacy I ask for when on the phone. Besides which, whatever he talks to H about is for him and H, not me, especially if it's stuff that I won't want to hear, like about the whore. I will ask the C if she thinks him being there the amount of time he is could be doing more harm than good.

Abbey, hope your time away was nice, if it was not nice then I'm sorry to hear that. I think H got the point to back off, he's been fairly civil in our last few contacts without pressuring me or even mentioning divorce.

NM, not reading anything yet, hoping the therapist can recommend something to me. I do need to check out that Sandcastles book Flowmom suggested to you. I already told H I was going to get DS back to the therapist because I was worried about him, he just doesn't know the appointment is on Monday. I can tell H until I'm blue in the face that I have not slandered him to DS but he won't believe me. He wants me to be the bad guy so he doesn't have to feel guilt about what he's putting his son through.

[Mystik]

CW, you snuck in! I do my best to not speak ill of his father to DS and make sure he's not paying attention if I'm talking to someone else in DS's vicinity. My tongue is bloody from being bitten so much. As to him talking about OW, thankfully he does very little of that. When H first moved in with her, long before I got involved with this site, I was not good at hiding the emotional mess any mention of H and especially of the whore created. DS picked up on that so he doesn't talk to me about H or the whore. At least now I'm strong enough to listen should he say he has to tell me something about H or OW, but once he's done I change the subject.

[Mystik]

That is one thing I worry about the most, how messed up is DS going to be because of how messed up I am from this situation.

[courageous wife]

That is one thing I worry about the most, how messed up is DS going to be because of how messed up I am from this situation.

I know...me too! (((hugs)))

[bluestar]

Mystic, no need to worry about that. You are showing him so much strength even in the depths of despair. You are showing him that it's ok to seek help when you have a problem. Most importantly, you are showing him how to act with dignity and grace in the face of overwhelming animosity. You are amazing and he sees that.

[Mystik]

CW - Maybe we should take a page from the WAH books and convince ourselves the kids are resilient and will be fine.

bluestar - Thank you. Some days I sure don't feel strong but I must be since I'm still able to get up and survive each day.

[Mystik]

I dreamt about H last night. I don't recall specific details but in my dream I was trying to talk to him about working things out and he wasn't interested. In my dream after he left I lost all but one of my teeth, and that one would have probably come out had I not woken up. Looked up losing your teeth dream interpretations this morning, it symbolizes a feeling of powerlessness or abandonment issues or fear. Hm...