Pup you must be gettin lazy, you could have answered this one...
I don't think divorce needs to be done no... You CAN live a life apart from your spouse that is fullfilling... You can go to school, the gym, eat drink, socialize, travel, etc.. you can do all of that without having a divorce paper signed
Why is there this need to have a divorce paper signed before life can be lived? MWD makes a very strong point in DR about pursuing a full life while the spouse is away cheating...
If you have a life, then why does one need the paper signed?
At some point you will discover your whole self again, but this takes months and months of time...
There are a lot of people who claim they are in protection phase/no contact/LRT but aren't...
Most people who want the D papers want them in order to help them let GO... Or to stick it to their partner... Or so they can start dating...
How long should someone AVOID romantic involvement after they have dropped the emotional rope and are fully resolved to pursue their own life?
Look at SeeingRed on this forum, she's been waiting THREE YEARS...
WOuld you say that's too long pup?
Myself, I really don't know.. I think the length of time is less important than HOW you SPEND the time...
If you spend three years travelling, pen your first novel, run with the bulls in spain or whatever that's great, you can be married and off doing all that while your spouse cheats away and burns his bridge...
If you are home sitting there crying, moping... wondering all your day away what HE is diong with HIS TIME.. then to my mind you arne't in LRT or protection phase.. you are still in the THICK of the drama...
For SOME affairs the spouse MAY find getting a lawyer and drafting up papers for a D may shake some sense into the WS... This IS a tactic, but I really don't have a lot of confidence in that one...
The problem with D is if you push that one yes, you are putting all yoru cards on the table and you can't back down from that one... you have to MEAN it..
That Divorce Filing card has to be played at the RIGHT TIME.. If you file and your WS doesnt' blink then you blew it...
I think there are OTHER less condemming routes to show your spouse you mean business and are not emotionally invested in the marriage... Taking a trip to Europe for three months, moving to a new city, etc...
Making BIG changes in your life that lead your WS to see a NEW PERSON there and that the OLD ONE is LEAVING.. the DOORMAT is not THERE anymore...
You really need to know when you have gotten to the point where you can say comfortably without anger that your marriage is over and you are ok with that...
Phil McGraw has a wonderful article on his website about knowing when its time to divorce...
Pup talked about emotional commitment to a point and sharing that commitment with the WS.. I am wracking my brain trying to remember what it was about... OH the TIMELINE...
Ya... This is a similar point I am making...
When you make a commitment to wait for x number of months and tehn you will file.. you do'nt SHARE that with the WS.. as pup points out and I agree fully on this one the WS will take that as a FREE PASS to cheat nonstop up to that day and then they will return and promise you the moon... only to cheat again a few days later...
WHen you make a commitment you stick to it, but you don't share that iwth your spouse...
This does NOT mean you tell your spouse you will wait forever either...
You make it clear you are preparing for a FULL LIFE without them... you put their crap into boxes and leave it on the curb, you put away all the wedding pictures, you remove the ring etc... You start DOING INTERESTING THINGS... travel, school, music lessons, whatever...
And again pup pointed this out, you can't tell them you "will wait for them".. they will just string you along
So, I don't advocate filing or threatening to D the WS... But I don't advocate sitting around waiting either... I think there's a healthy middleground
I further think that the D filing is a rush to DATE someone to fill the VOID for the LBS.. they are in pain and they want to run out and date to feel good again
This is NOT advisable or healthy... This is what your SPOUSE is doing... pursuing wrteckless sex and companionship in a HURRY rather than processing their grief over their failing marriage...
Look at QuickSilver's thread for that one.. His wife is a classic case.. she's miserable about her marriage and she thinks sex chats and secret rendezvous will help her process the pain of the divorce she's filed...
Seriously.. give me a break.. You are just asking to get used...
In Short LMW, I think there's better and healthier ways to communicate you aren't waiting for the WS anymore than filing for Divorce ahead of your WS...
