And I can understand the former spouse's frustration in the time it's taking me to get his name off the mortgage. After all it keeps him from creating a different home for his new life which is not my intention.
And as the numbness and inability to process leaves, reviewing the divorce decree showed a discrepancy of $20,000 which should have been awarded to me. I sited paragraph and verse to my lawyer. I'll see where it goes.
It's like pulling the bootlaces and heaving myself up.
I'm tired. In this period of emotional chaos I've gradually recovered from a significant head injury, had my spouse of 25 years leave abruptly moving in secretly with his secret mistress, watched the guy I loved leave his children with the rest of his past life, my dad died, continued dealing with the nightmares of childhood, the legal fees depleted all our savings, stocks and bonds which still did not cover the remaining lawyer's bill, my dog of 14 years died in my arms in the middle of the night, I was inundated with stuff and clutter and the house (my portion of the settlement) has not sold as I decrease the price in the steadily declining market.
And I was intimidated by that man I intended to be with for better or worse.. ugh.. what an ugly divorce that was.
I've assaulted myself with guilt for the loss of the marriage, the shame of mistakes made in the past, the inability to support the children with higher education, the injustice it's done to them, the underlying damage the shredding of a family does to them, the fear of being at an age when women become invisible. Financial insecurity rattles my bones, I can't afford anything more than the expenses I have. And I was diagnosed just two weeks ago with diabetes which brought its own sense of shame, embarrassment, fear, wake up call to live a life as healthy as possible for me.. and to be there for my kids.
Geez.
And yet, I believe in marriage; in the foundation on which it is built. I just believed that once you get the sh*t out in the open anything can be fixed. I don't know if it was something that should have ended earlier or if it could have lasted. The net/net was it broke. It wasn't fixed. It ended.
Now on the upside I've found I'm pretty special.. and a bit different then others. I'm trusted to do things that others aren't, I have a gift for giving, sharing my energy in positive ways, my daughter's friends run up to give me huge hugs.. their nickname for me is Mama Gypsy.
I've learned to listen my little voice and bullshit meter. If something seems wrong I stop it, if it makes me feel queasy inside it's over. I speak up rather than fume. "What the hell." has replaced "No way." Just making a decision is better than worrying about making the absolute perfect all based covered decision. I pay attention to wake up calls and get my stuff in order. And I want a clean and uncluttered home.
It's not either/or.. it's what works best (within appropriate boundaries), it's not worrying about perfection.. just trying my best.
It's becoming a better person, healthier rather than stagnating in fear and paralyzing inaction.
With divorce I take the good with the bad. The bad is the loss of family, trust, its effects on my kids, the financial and emotional devastation. The good is finding I don't live my life on eggshells, in fear, living an existence of always being at fault, wrong.
The good is that whatever happens now, it's mine to own. Yes, I'm pissed that the ex dumped our children based on the desires of his new love. And that's not the guy I thought I knew. But my interactions with my kids are different now.. I listen more, and squawk and try to control less. And the younger two are doing great, the oldest moved out the house and never calls or returns calls.
It's all part of living. It's all part of waking up. It's all part of taking responsibility for who I am now.. and in the future.
Now if I could only learn to be less verbose.
*hugs*
AND... family, friends are the truest gifts.. along with angels who occasionally brush by in my life.
