We've spent a lot of time of the phone together buddy. I know what you want...I know how much your children mean to you. I understand as a MAN the feeling of having to be a provider. I know man..I know..
I agree with Bill-
What your W has done is wrong. Using your children as a pawn to secure financial relief is wrong.
I also agree with Cat to some extent - Initially you wanted the family back (that included your w). - You have grown but you are not completely there yet (and it's okay...hell who know if we ever get there)
I agree with Mach - Do what is in the best interest of the kids. Nothing less than there interest should drive any action on your end. - This is a tough balancing act.
So here is what I would suggest... - Try to come to an agreement with regards to the kids. You can't control her but you can control YOU. - Implement a plan immediately so that you begin to see the kids with some degree of consistency - Take some time and think about the logistic of the kids. Can you take them to school, can you make them dinner on the days you have them, can you make after school events, can you attend parent teach conf, etc. - Work on forgiving your W. As hard as it is..you need to do it - if not for her, and not for you...you do it for you kids. - Layout exactly what you want and why.
Finally, whatever you do...do it with love. Loving her does not mean you bend over and take it...NO - it means understanding that she has been the primary parent for a while and needs time to adjust as do the kids. Can this adjustment happen - yes - it has to. Your boys need you. Cool things..is right now...you get to redifine what the R between the kids and you is. You drive this...just make sure your not driving with road rage.
God Bless you, Oh..btw...my son says "hi".
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Well weirdness abounds. Without really realizing it I"ve kindof followed a lot of the DB'ing principles over the last few months. I have worked on getting a life, meeting people, focusing on myself and the things I can control.
For whatever the reason, perhaps it has just been all the hurt thrown my way over this year, the venom, the cruelty... I sortof moved on. I really do not need my wife any more emotionally. Not only have I fallen out of love with her but I really don't even like her as a person any more.
The change has been remarkable. Chemical even. I am with my boys on a vacation in Myrtle Beach... alone... and I am happy. Content.
I am looking at getting a house so I can house them and a potential nanny. I am planning on going to court in two weeks to fight for them.
Work is going well and I am enjoying the people with whom I am working.
My wife, on the other hand, is really struggling. She hit what I believe is MLC rock bottom. Because I am only sending her child support (to the tune of 2800 a month) she cannot support herself. she was trying to extort me this weekend to tell me that I could only have the kids if I sent her more money... I told her I would not.
so she brings the kids to me and says, "I"m ready now... I want us to be together again... I want us to be a family. I will move down this week while you have the boys."
The amazing thing is that I do not want her living with me. I am finally finding some peace and happiness and the thought of living with her and ramping up all the crap is really not good.
this is her way of asserting control again...
so I told her that I didn't want that.
I'm sitting here on the 11th floor of the sand dunes staring out at the surf and its really good.
So what I don't know is whether or not all the damage done is repairable. I do not love her anymore and I certainly do not trust her.
I am strong on my own two feet right now... and I feel that I hold all the cards in some ways.
I guess the problem I'm wrestling with is this: is she the person I married-- is that person still there? Or was that person just an idea I created in my head and the person I "met" this year is the REAL her. but if its not the real her... then is the real her ever coming back?
Obviously for the sake of the boys it would be great to reconcile. But right now my heart is looking up at me and saying, "are you freakin crazy dude? don't even do it. talk to the hand... yes I know know hearts don't have hands but if I did you'd be talking to it brother!"
She's out of money. I don't think she has any friends. Seems this is her only port of call. question is whether or not the port is still open for business or if it shut down a few weeks ago.
I will tell all of you that I am amazed that I feel this way, considering how I felt 6 months ago. But you beat a dog long enough its going to not come back.
and Cat and Eric... I do.. .actually now more than ever-- see her side. I think I may come up with a kindof list of requirements that I would need in order to take her back. and then we could go from there.
from a logistial standpoint, though, I think it would be great to get my boys back into the same town as me... then if she wanted to bolt again I would have some leverage and she couldn't run again...
and Cat... I have had a year to think about what I did in the relationship that was wrong... I truly believe I am a different person-- that I am much more aware of those around me. that I am much more considerate. and whoever I will end up in the future I will work to cherish and foster the relationship with them-- and never take it for granted.
so she brings the kids to me and says, "I"m ready now... I want us to be together again... I want us to be a family. I will move down this week while you have the boys."
Hey Bradley, I have watched from a distance since you came here, did she not trick you into moving up to where she moved to only to kick you to the curb? Sorry if I remembered that wrong.
And she came to this epiphany after she asked you for money and threaten to withhold your kids until you paid up?
Obviously, watch out!!!
I think you are wise to try to get your boys back in the same town again, but go carefully.
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
I think I may come up with a kindof list of requirements that I would need in order to take her back. and then we could go from there.
Bradley, I think you MUST have a list of conditions, considering the circumstances that led to her decision to return.
I think the first thing I would ask my H if he wanted to come back would be "What has changed?" It's a question that could elicit all kinds of responses from which you might learn a lot. I would need to know that he had stopped all contact with OW, and that he was truly remorseful for the damage he caused. I would not let him move back in right away, but rather suggest a trial period of freer contact between us. Ultimately, I would require complete transparency, and that he start IC.
But that's just me. We've been through this before. I thought we had done everything right the first time, but here we are again, 26 years later. I do wonder if he is just incapable of being with one woman.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
You could too, it's a matter of perspective. And it's FAR too easy to look at a wacked out MLC spouse from a healthy distance and say "Why in the heck would I want to go back to THAT?"
Everyone on here who had an MLC spouse could say the same thing.
This turn of events should bring you back to the beginning. Back to the reason you came here to begin with. Not an ending, but instead a situation that could now actually be a starting point.
Of course your wife is not genuine in wanting to come home right now. Any fool can see that.
But her desperation is certainly an indication that she has a bottom that she can reach. I don't know, I'm no expert, but I seem to recall many counseling me over the years that an MLC'er reaching some kind of bottom state was usually a good and necessary thing if they were ever going to return to some semblance of the person they were before.
It might just be possible that right now is where you will find out just how much abiility you have to forgive.
It might also be the point where you must face head on the very personal question of did you ever really love your wife the way a man should love his wife.
I'm hoping you won't take the current status (which finds YOU finally in the stronger place) and use it to simply cut her loose.
These real life stories are as long as we are willing to allow them to be, for the most part.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
So what I don't know is whether or not all the damage done is repairable.
This is up to you. Are you willing to take the risk to find out?
Originally Posted By: Bradley11
I guess the problem I'm wrestling with is this: is she the person I married-- is that person still there? Or was that person just an idea I created in my head and the person I "met" this year is the REAL her. but if its not the real her... then is the real her ever coming back?
Bradley, did you read anything at all about MLC while you were here?
She is not the person you married right now. But yes, a part of that person is still there, underneath all of it.
This is a transformation of the soul. No she won’t be the person you married. Just like you are not the person she married. You are both different and changed by this.
It CAN be better, though. Better than it was before.
Originally Posted By: Bradley11
and Cat... I have had a year to think about what I did in the relationship that was wrong... I truly believe I am a different person-- that I am much more aware of those around me. that I am much more considerate. and whoever I will end up in the future I will work to cherish and foster the relationship with them-- and never take it for granted.
I really hope that you have learned this Bradley. This is what it is going to take from you to even attempt to put this back together.
Think about what Bill has said to you.
Originally Posted By: Bworl
It might just be possible that right now is where you will find out just how much abiility you have to forgive.
It might also be the point where you must face head on the very personal question of did you ever really love your wife the way a man should love his wife.
Answer these questions for you.
I am gonna bet that you are not sure of the answers right now. There is only one way to find out. You can take the risk, or not…
Your choice…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Give Retrouvaille a try. It is one just one weekend, but it can make a world of difference. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for locations and dates.
Is she who you thought you married? Is she who she has been lately? Yes. She is both of them. She is a complex human being who acts different ways under different circumstances. We all are. Judging her is not the answer. Take a weekend and learn how to talk to her. Then you can decide based on much more knowledge. And she can decide too. It's just 48 hours to really think about what has gone wrong and what can go right. Your family is worth that much effort.
Is she who you thought you married? Is she who she has been lately? Yes. She is both of them. She is a complex human being who acts different ways under different circumstances. We all are. Judging her is not the answer. Take a weekend and learn how to talk to her. Then you can decide based on much more knowledge. And she can decide too. It's just 48 hours to really think about what has gone wrong and what can go right. Your family is worth that much effort.
this and Cat-- what you said-- and YES cat I read like crazy a few months back...
I guess the problem is I"m finding some happiness right now without her... and she nearly killed me last year. So from a Pavlovian standpoint I am extremely gunshy about it... plus I"m just not really attracted to her anymore. shes not NICE.
I have another court date coming up next week... I'm going to stick to my guns with this one... she's doing what she did before-- but I"m not gonna fold this time. I will just be back to where I was.
I'm working out in my head what I really need from her in order to do this.
I believe it will have to be a number of things in writing... like from her landlord that she has actually left. Pictures of her house there showing me its actually empty. a letter to the school where the boys were saying that they will not be coming back next year... things like that.
