If this is a man you have been with for a while, you might want to ask yourself a few questions. It is clear that this is becoming a big deal to you and him. Figure out why it is a big deal before it ruins your relationship.
(1) Have you "conditioned" him to prefer sexual encounters that do not involve traditional fact to face sex positions? Even though it may not have been your intent, most men as sensitive to the desires, wants, and wishes of the women they have sex with and they really and deeply want their women to enjoy sex with them. You vaginismus condition is not something that you could have easily hidden from him and he may be responding the way he does because it is an alternate approach that he thinks you will like more. You just might need to talk about this. He could prefer doggy style vaginal sex because he doesn't see you grimace during penetration or even a look of fear on your face prior to penatration. You may have conditioned him far more than you think.
(2) Has this man you are with had a period where he has been denied sex for a goodly period of time to the point that he has been watching a lot of porn? If so, there is a lot of porn that involve "anal intercourse" because it is a taboo and taboo's to many are erotic, and that sells in the porn industry. If so and you really don't want anal sex, tell him that and ask him if there is some other form of sex that would really excite him. If he is shy, then maybe watch some "porn" together and ask him what he thinks about different kinds of sex acts. You might find something else he has a hankering to try and do.
(3) If it is something that "he likes" and yet "ruins the mood for you," why is that? Sex is something that provides both of you with pleasure some of the time and you with pleasure some of the time and him with pleasure some of the time. It shouldn't always be about what pleases you all of the time, just as it should not be about what pleases him all the time. Figure out some ways so that he gets what he wants some of the time. If he is really into anal sex and you are not, you have options that you can explore that will allow you to be true to yourself and yet provide him with something pretty close to what he wants. They have male sex toys called "sleaves" (google names on the internet like fleshlight). Buy an anal one as a present for him and some night hold it between your legs then guide him to move in behind you and let him go at it for all he is worth, while verbally encouraging him in vivid detail. Become his porn star girl friend for a night!
In short figure out what it is that bothers you. Figure out if you are partially the cause of the problem and it will require months of conditioning your lover so he can respond the way you would now prefer. Finally, talk to him and find out why he wants what he wants and try to either give him something as close to what he wants as you can live with or work with him to find something else that he wants that will keep him happy.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
