You called him on it. Now he feels dumb. He probably just transferred all his contacts over from his sim card or old phone's memory right? So, he didn't consciously choose to keep her number, just forgot to delete it. You called him on it. Now he feels dumb and probably a little guilty. So it comes off as defensive.
No biggie.
You told him how you feel. You set the boundary. And it's a perfectly legitimate one! Give him time. He'll probably sulk a while, then delete it.
You are breaking the cycles of the past. And it's not impossible that he'll treat you differently, react differently to you, just like you treat him differently and are reacting differently to him! It'll just take some retraining.
You get off the merry-go-round by choosing so. It's not even about Gabe, it's about your own circular thought processes.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle - He actually had to manually input all of his numbers into the new phone - no sim card. So that means he made a conscious decision to put her number in there. I don't know if he has taken it off yet. I'm giving it a few more days and then I'll ask him to show me.
We have such a good time together but a R is about being open and honest, not just spending time in each other's company. I need closeness and I'm not getting that. Of course, that is how it has always been so this is nothing different. I guess I've just realized that I need more and he's not willing (or able) to give that. Now the question is.....can I live with that? Can I live with having a superficial R with someone who will never share his inner thoughts or true desires with me? What is that? It's roommates. Is this truly better than being alone? In some ways yes, in other ways no.
Ok, I've had enough of "Deep Thoughts" (remember the SNL skit with Stewart Smalley? LOL) for today.
It's HOT AS HECK here today! We're paying for the absolutely beautiful 4th of July we had. It's 98 here today and with the humidity we're looking at a heat index of 103-104. ICK! NASTY!
Last edited by mishka422; 07/08/1004:46 PM.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
You need to let him know that you aren't looking for the relationship you had but for a better one. He might just surprise you. Start trying to make those changes you want. You can do this.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
"We have such a good time together but a R is about being open and honest, not just spending time in each other's company. I need closeness and I'm not getting that."
Well, neither is he. You aren't open and honest with him. You say over and over that you are afraid, you can't bring yourself to talk to him, etc... etc... etc... So, WHO is it that won't/can't change here? Perhaps it is because you aren't open/honest/direct with him that he feels he has to hide whatever his latest worry is from you. Maybe HE is eggshell walking, trying to guess what is going to set you off, etc... Maybe not. Who knows? But before you start blaming Gabe, remember it keeps two people to keep dancing the old dance.
This whole thing would have gone differently if you were open, honest direct...
"Gabe, thanks for sharing that you are stressed and feeling down and confused. I am too, especially now. It would help me a lot if I could understand what was going on. I'm scared it involves OW again. If so, we can talk about that. When I'm in the dark is when I feel insecure. Whatever else happens with us, lets be open about how things are..."
"Gabe, I'm not OK with OW's number on your phone. I won't be in an R with you while while you still include her in your life."
Try to be direct and honest BEFORE you lose it and go into pouty-poor-me-attention-seeking-accusing-act-out mode.
Actually, not being open and to the point ith him is different for me. I was always open and spoke what I was feeling until he started being rude and callous toward me when I did. I gradually learned to stay quiet and 'suck it up' because he got angry if I voiced any emotions. I didn't tell him that he was making me feel this way or that, only that I was feeling sad or upset, or the like. I also made sure to tell him when I was happy or excited about things to keep it balanced but even that became things he didn't want to hear. I even stopped telling him if I was sick or not feeling well because he got mad. So.....it's learned behavior on my part, not something I come by naturally. Unlearning that is really hard in my interactions with him. Like I said, I'm working on it and I post my failures as well as my accomplishments here so I can see it too.
Gabe's refusal to speak about what is required to rebuild trust is going to push me to a breaking point. With what I've learned about myself, I know I am prone to blurt and spew my feelings all at once when I'm pushed too far and that won't work with him. I know it, I'm actually writing down one item to address per week so I can spread it out. I don't know if I'll make it that long between items but that is my goal anyway.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
He doesn't say "I refuse to talk to you." He says, "Why do you have to discuss this? I told you I'd erase the number, period, cut and dry. You're being ridiculous." Then he shuts down and shuts me out and won't speak to me for hours or sometimes the next day. That is how he reacted to the last incident. Other times he gets upset and storms out of the house. When I try to talk and address anything about our R he gets mad. His other favorite response is "I thought we were getting along really good and enjoying being together. Why do you have to bring this up?" Mind you, I'm addressing an issue that is keeping me from growing trust in him and he gets defensive. Red flag in my book!
Thanks for the encouragement OT. I really value your advice and love how you are so direct. It's so helpful to me. No pussy-footing around.
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
