What is the real difference between a H in MLC and a vanilla WAH? I would expect that the ways to deal with each are much different from the other.
First off, does it really make a difference? I mean seriously. Yeah it may change how you interact with H but at the end of the day (and you do not see this yet) – this is really about YOU.
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Last night we sat up and had a couple of glasses of wine. I don't drink much and neither does he, so we got a little tipsy.
I get it…a few drinks… loosen up a bit and then hit him with this..
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We started talking about MLC.
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He was curious about it and I told him what I had found out thru reading and research (didn't mention this forum..Aak!!). Mentioned how surprised I was that it was so prevalent and how there are so many similarities between people going thru it.
This ^^^^^ tells me that you still think you can “fix” him. That you can still talk to him and that he will just “get it”. That he will finally realize just how much he loves you. Sorry to say that your ACTIONS will tell him what he needs to know. Not your words.
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He says he thinks he's doing pretty well compared to some..didn't move in with her, is here living with me, didn't blow a bunch of money, kept his job. I told him that we would not be able to move forward in our marriage as long as he is in contact with OP.
I am sorry to say…let me tell you what I heard H say to you…from the above…”honey..I am confused. I really am but I know that I do not have to deal with my issues as long as I can tell you that I didn’t do this or I didn’t do that”.
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He said he has finally figured that out and that it is on it's way to petering out.
More signs of confusion…
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Now, he has told me this before.
So do you pay attention to his words or his actions? I know what I would answer – actions.
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But he did say he hasn't seen her in person, hasn't had sex with her but considers her a good friend and cares about her.
Yeah…mine the said the same thing about the first EA, oh..and about the second PA…I personally do not know if he has or has not “been with her” BUT that is not the issue right now. It really is not. Question for YOU. R u comfortable with his answer? Do you believe him? If you can take a step back from all of this…all of HIS issues you will gain clarity over what you WANT in YOUR life.
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I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.
Once again…let me tell him what I am going to do…maybe that will work. IMO it will not..once again actions.
Look this process takes a long time and in that time you need to let your H go. I did not in my sitch..I held on…thought I could control it..thought I could talk my way out of it…gave space or so I thought…the reality… Stop pressuring HIM and take a long hard look at YOU..what you want…what dreams do you have. Smile more…go find happiness..while you are doing that..leave your H alone. God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
At work, he is all business. He has taken the approach that to be the nice guy he was just makes him look like a chump and everyone will walk all over him. Honestly, he has had quite a following over the years of people he's mananged..because they all like him and his style so much..but now he's decided that everyone is taking advantage of him, controlling him, walking all over him. So he's going to TELL them how it'g going to be and if they don't like it they can find another job.
He seems to be civil to my kids (who all love him dearly)but does not initiate contact with them at all (he and my son used to be quite close), and he is very attentive to his only child..a daughter-20 who lives many hours away. he is one of those people who wear their heart on their sleeve, so you can tell by the expression on his face if he is sincere, disgusted, mad, sad, etc.
He doesn't have any friends. The only people he ever talks to about his stuff or does things with is me and his mom. We did go with a couple we both know over Memorial weeknd. He pretended like everything was ok and was very attentive to me.
He is a workaholic. Very successful at what he does. He doesn't get close to very many people even tho eveyone likes him and has fun when he's around. He's one of those guys that is good at everything he sets his mind to. Right now it's his work, diet/exercise, me and OW..in that order.
At work, he is all business. He has taken the approach that to be the nice guy he was just makes him look like a chump and everyone will walk all over him. Honestly, he has had quite a following over the years of people he's mananged..because they all like him and his style so much..but now he's decided that everyone is taking advantage of him, controlling him, walking all over him. So he's going to TELL them how it'g going to be and if they don't like it they can find another job.
He seems to be civil to my kids (who all love him dearly)but does not initiate contact with them at all (he and my son used to be quite close), and he is very attentive to his only child..a daughter-20 who lives many hours away. he is one of those people who wear their heart on their sleeve, so you can tell by the expression on his face if he is sincere, disgusted, mad, sad, etc.
He doesn't have any friends. The only people he ever talks to about his stuff or does things with is me and his mom. We did go with a couple we both know over Memorial weeknd. He pretended like everything was ok and was very attentive to me.
He is a workaholic. Very successful at what he does. He doesn't get close to very many people even tho eveyone likes him and has fun when he's around. He's one of those guys that is good at everything he sets his mind to. Right now it's his work, diet/exercise, me and OW..in that order.
That would be personality.....right?
Your marriage seems to be the only thing under attack huh?
Understanding this is all well and fine, just understand that YOU have work to do as well, for you...
And a lot of this dwelling on, him this and him that, CAN keep YOU stuck in one spot, paralyzing your growth.
Read and understand....ask questions....
DO NOT , let this consume the you, that is underneath all of this emotional garbage on your front door right now....
Mach, I am updating my resume and looking for jobs..and reading stuff on this forum. WE are going for a bike ride..if I can handle it after that wine last night.
My C tells me to stop dwelling on him and what he is doing, too. I'm getting better, really. You probably can't tell because I just started to post..but up until a month or so ago, all I did was try to figure out why this was happening and how I could fix it. I am starting to let it alone more now. And i feel much better for it..so does he, if only because then he doesn't have to "talk"..you know how much guys like that.
I am reading as much as I can and as for asking questions..well I've never had a problem doing that..sometimes people get a little frustrated with me tho, cause I get stuck in a mode and can't see what others are trying to tell me. I do eventually get it.
the problem I'm having is this: I live 5 hours away from my friends and family (except my son and his family who I don't see much). I haven't worked for 5 years..and haven't worked in my field (IT) for 9 years. I don't know anyone here, never thought I'd be here longer than a year or so. Have 3 small dogs, so that ties me down some as far as traveling around. I need to update my skills or take some classes to get a new career to get back into the job market. I am working on that..have applied to a local college and just need to pick my classes. I have a couple of options: 1. Stay here, go to school, get a part time job, wait for H to come out of MLC. 2.Stay here, get some kind of full time job and wait for H to come out of MLC. 3. Sell house, pack up all my stuff, get a D (cause I'll need my share of the equity to get a place to live, etc), and move closer to where my friends and family are..get a job or go to school there and start a new life. 4. Sit around forever, feeling sorry for myself and let life pass me by.
I'm trying not to let this consume me. I'm dangerously close sometimes.
What I'm saying, tho, is NOT to communicate a COMPLETELY OPEN-ENDED "DEADLINE" (which, of course, is really no deadline at all) to the fogged-out spouse.
I think it's okay to tell them "I'll hold out as long as I can," or "I'm trying to give you space and be patient," or whatever, but NOT "I'll be here regardless . . . for as long as it takes."
Absolute 100% agree. Totally.
And this is why, despite him not being convinced of MLC, I think Pup is awesome.
...and The term "Mid-Life" in MLC is a stupid hidebound one...but it is the one that is commonly known...right up there with the red sports cars...another misconception but a popular one.
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your spouse is NOT really a "friend of the marriage" at this time.
ADD: or a friend to you either.
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He has to EARN YOU back.
Not just YES, but FUKC YES.
ANY LBSer who takes them back open arms without experiencing regret or remorse on the MLCers part...I hesitate to predict the future...in this case I think it is safe to say it will not last long.
Pup, that time line...I agree that everyone has one, I advocate NOT establsihing one in the LBSers head, it is a great way to fail...and NO I am not talking of failing by not being married, I am talking of not giving it your all in your heart and mind.
IF I wanted to lose 50 lbs...and said by August.
What am I doing to myself?
What if I wanted to lose 50 lbs and took it day by day?
Instead of a timeline, I believe in the LBSer giving it their absolute all to see how long they can last...this way no matter what happens later, they have no regrets no doubt.
This was NEVER about the fuckwit MLCer...it is all about the LBSer growing into the best person they can be.
Taylor,
Listen to these guys.
Option 4 is great if you're a martyr...and then I would suggest that your husband get away from a very co-dependant you. : )
Option 3 can ALWAYS be on the table.
Option 2 nice.
Option 1 nice as well.
And yet you still have more options than those 4.
Like plan B.
FOR instance:
Stay there, go to school, get part time job, which becomes full time job, meet some cool new people whil eat job and at school, husband still in MLC but it doesn't consume you because you have a life. He may or may not come out of it, meanwhile you determine your self worth is not tied to anyone else, and F them if they think it should be.
Husband comes around and you decide...
Oh wait...
One day at a time.
Is plan B.
Always evalute your options.
Oh yes...
Taylor.
STOP TALKING TO HIM ABOUT YOUR MARRIAGE. Wine or not. And stop using guilt when you ignore that advice.
You're right you do know him better than we do.
We just happen to know the tendencies of an MLCer better than you currently do.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Eric..I don't even know where to start with your post. For someone who doesn't even know me, you sure do read me like a book. I didn't plan to have drinks and bombard him with R stuff..but he is much more receptive when he is loosened up..so I jumped on the opportunity..all the while thinking in the back of my mind what you guys have been telling me..to just leave him alone..back off. Knowing that I might push him away but taking the chance because yes, I do think that he might see the situation realistically and understand what is happening.
I am still trying to "fix' him, fix us, fix me..fix fix fix. That's what I do. And I am working on that. I always thought I was helping when I did it, but didn't realize that it comes across as controlling. I'm working on that too.
I know my H sounds confused and he is. And that just makes me want to help him more. I can't stand to see him in pain and lost and confused. It might be a woman thing or because of the abandonment thing..not sure. My C tells me that because my parents dumped me when I was a kid, I try hard to do whatever it takes to make people stay. Too hard. I haven't really figured out what to do about that part yet.
