Just because I wear a pink tutu and have a golden doodle does not make me not a man..just saying.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
He said that he knows it isn't healthy to keep talking to her..for her, for me and for him. he said he is slowing coming to that realization. He said he just needs time to figure this all out. I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.
LT,
Even those that advocate "standing by your man" and "giving him all the time he needs," I believe, DON'T advocate actually telling him that he has all the time he needs.
Us humans are "path-of-least resistance" creatures. We seldom make the REALLY tough choices in our lives unless forced into some sort of crisis or credible fear of loss.
I believe in INTERNAL deadlines -- for yourself, to say "I'm giving this "x" amount of time (say, 6 months, or one year), but when you COMMUNICATE that deadline to a wayward spouse ("I'll give you until September 1st to make a decision") you then will find that they will take that as your tacit approval for their behavior, and will do what they please until August 31st, at which time they will promise you the moon and the stars if you'll only take them back.
And when you don't convey ANY deadline? Fine if you say (as I did) something like "Please hurry, as my love for you is eroding every day you do this, and I won't wait forever," rather than actually TELLING them "I'll be here for as long as it takes."
Surely we can all agree at least on THAT???
Puppy
Puppy,
We actually agree more than you think we do...
There are "landmines" there though.
The timeline thing is one of them. I think people "heal" in their own time.
And there CAN be a balance with all of that within ourselves.
Too much Too soon, is ringing a bell that cannot be un-rung many times.
Not enough and the person can be walked on for years...
Where is that line between manipulation and standing strong ?
IMO, when the person is strong enough to handle those things emotionally...and can tell the difference between the two...
Surely we can agree on SOME of that ?
Oh, I do agree that everyone's threshhold for how long they can stand . . . "hold out," in the face of a wayward, walkaway or MLC spouse . . . varies.
What I'm saying, tho, is NOT to communicate a COMPLETELY OPEN-ENDED "DEADLINE" (which, of course, is really no deadline at all) to the fogged-out spouse.
I think it's okay to tell them "I'll hold out as long as I can," or "I'm trying to give you space and be patient," or whatever, but NOT "I'll be here regardless . . . for as long as it takes."
I think it's okay to tell them "I'll hold out as long as I can," or "I'm trying to give you space and be patient," or whatever, but NOT "I'll be here regardless . . . for as long as it takes."
[quote]Even those that advocate "standing by your man" and "giving him all the time he needs," I believe, DON'T advocate actually telling him that he has all the time he needs.[quote]
Sometimes the way you guys put things is just so hilarious to me. and i love it.
I have a problem with being too honest and sharing too much of myself with others. It really hasn't been a problem for me until the past few years. I make friends easily and keep them forever. My C has explained to me that it's not aways in my best interest to explain why or what I'm thinking in depth all the time. I am trying to work on that. I always treat others the way I would want to be treated and that isn't always the way to do it..as I have found out the hard way. But since I have done it my whole life, it isn't an easy change to make. My H and I have always talked in great depth about everything.
To me, LT, one of the saddest thing about couples in this wayward phase is when you come to the realization that your spouse is NOT really a "friend of the marriage" at this time.
When I realized that my wife really didn't have the marriage's best interests at heart, and therefor I had to, it made me really, REALLY sad. A component of this, to call a spade a spade, is that your spouse is, to some extent, your ADVERSARY right now. Certainly so once things have "gone legal" for some posters here, but even before then, just your DBing efforts, techniques you're using, financial moves you're having to make in the interest of protecting your family, etc., etc.
It's a poker game.
And in poker, you DON'T go declaring your hand to the other guys sitting at the table! They have to PAY to see your cards, and so does your husband. He has to EARN YOU back.
