What is the real difference between a H in MLC and a vanilla WAH? I would expect that the ways to deal with each are much different from the other.
Last night we sat up and had a couple of glasses of wine. I don't drink much and neither does he, so we got a little tipsy. We started talking about MLC. He was curious about it and I told him what I had found out thru reading and research (didn't mention this forum..Aak!!). Mentioned how surprised I was that it was so prevalent and how there are so many similarities between people going thru it. He says he thinks he's doing pretty well compared to some..didn't move in with her, is here living with me, didn't blow a bunch of money, kept his job. I told him that we would not be able to move forward in our marriage as long as he is in contact with OP. He said he has finally figured that out and that it is on it's way to petering out. Now, he has told me this before. But he did say he hasn't seen her in person, hasn't had sex with her but considers her a good friend and cares about her. I said "do you care about me?" and he said yes, very much, that he bends over backwards not to hurt me. I said that he is hurting me tho, by continuing to have a relationship with her. He said that he knows it isn't healthy to keep talking to her..for her, for me and for him. he said he is slowing coming to that realization. He said he just needs time to figure this all out. I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.
I know you are all thinking..gees, she just isn't listening to us about the detach thing, is she? But since I know my husband better than anyone else in the world, I'm trying to do what I think will help us stay together and make sense to him. For me, that has become: a short 15-45 minute conversation about how things are right now between us and then drop it, let us both digest what was said and back off. If I do this every 2-3 weeks, it doesn't seem to freak him out and still I get to say some of the things I have been feeling and learning. Plus, I usually get a pretty good sense of where he is at with the A, with his MLC, me, etc. But as you all know, people in MLC are so back and forth, it's not always relevant, or may be accurate that minute..but not the next.
He told me I look fantastic this morning before he went to work. I said thanks, and told him he looked pretty good himself. I also told him he was my favorite person in the whole world.
I don't know..glimmers of hope and they're probably just that..glimmers. But he seems to respond better to kind loving words than blowing him off. Which is what I feel like I'm doing when I take off and leave him here by himself. His LL is Words of Affirmation..mine is Gifts.
He is here all week this week, he usually is gone T-Th. It's nice to have him home, sitting in his chair next to mine, cracking jokes. But I am starting to move forward in my own way. I'm feeling more confident, happier, I look so much better, and am checking into classes, jobs, etc. So, in my own way, I guess I am detaching. I'll get better at it as it evolves and I learn more about it. So, please don't give up on me..I am trying to "get it".
