Well I'm a DB failure. My H says he will not go to MC any more. He continues to be verbally abusive to both me and my son. He absolutely won't hear me on any of this about how damaging it is to me and my son. It is very scary and very depressing. I have no other choice but to go to a lawyer and fight and it will be ugly. I'm terrified and very depressed about all of this.
Remind yourself of the definition of DB- working on yourself so that you get stronger and happier, while leaving the possibility open for reconciliation. You aren't failing at this, you're doing a lot of work towards it. If he isn't willing to do his work to reconcile now, that is not a failure on your part- it's his, and also his loss. And I see in your posts that you've become stronger and focused on you and S over the past months, which is success.
I understand your fear- and the best way to combat that or at least be able to sit with it- is what you already know: information and detaching. Information on how you can support yourself and S (emotionally and financially), on your legal options, etc. Detaching more than ever so H has less and less power to get to you and hurt you guys.
Originally Posted By: Hope4Luv
Going dark has given me more peace but has allowed my H to act as insensitively as he wishes with no repercussions. I don't know what to do but this is just the worse possible outcome I think.
So.... have you analyzed why you think this is and if there are any adjustments you're in control of that you think might calm things a bit? Or is this escalating behavior of his the natural result of being "ignored" or not being able to get to you as much? B/c you know- they get very agitated when you refuse to engage or go dark b/c that's where their power was coming from- having an effect on YOU. When it stops working, the roaring, petulant, angry child comes out with a vengeance. And it escalates briefly, before ramping back down. So, Hope, it could be that it IS working, and you are seeing the first stage of reaction.
I think there is something in between you having peace with bad behavior and having no peace but better behavior. I think there are ways to have "consequences" or expectations of better behavior from him. I would meet him outside the house next time, with S inside and have a calm adult conversation where you say "I'm sorry, but you won't be invited into the house again if you're unable to act in a respectful manner." Or whatever words you feel comfortable with. If you need to, have a friend with you when you say it. Can you do that Hope? Tell us your fears around that, and the things your mind is whispering about why you couldn't or what terrible things will happen if you do- and we'll help you with them.
(((((H4L))))
-A
When the men on the chessboard Get up and tell you where to go; And you've just had some kind of mushroom And your mind is moving slow; Go ask Alice... I think she'll know.
