How to tell the kids

[dday101798]

You're probably right. I didn't show empathy, I tried to fix problems.

In my observation thus far, it's not so much fix, but CONTROL.

[DanF]

Really?

I don't think that I have tried to control her at all, perhaps until I found out about the OM in mid-May and filed for D. Then I would agree that I have tried to control the sitch.

In the past, I feel like I let her do whatever she wanted to. I never denied a request and I really didn't try to manage her life. She wanted to live where we live, keep her same job with no promotions, work part-time after we had kids. We went to movies and restaurants she wanted to go to.

I don't know, maybe I am just blind to it.

[TimeHeals]

Trying to fix everything comes across as controlling. You have to let people solve their own issues if you want healthy adult relationships.

Sometimes people just share their problems because they want you to listen and are looking for validation. If they don't ask for your help specifically, it's usually better to assume they don't want your help than it is to assume they do and start telling them what they need to do.

[DanF]

We are gong to tell the kids tonight I guess.

Here are my notes from the counselor.

Tell them together. Tell them at a time when you would normally be together, like after dinner. Start with what they already know....mom and dad have not been getting along. Tell them we have worked on it, but can't reconcile our differences, so we have decided to get divorced. We want you to konw that we love you and this is not your fault. We will still both be spending time with you, but we don't know yet what the living arrangements will be. There is still a lot to figure out and it will be difficult, but we just have to do our best. Do you have nay questions?

Something like that anyway. I am really dreading going home tonight.

[DanF]

Trying to fix everything comes across as controlling. You have to let people solve their own issues if you want healthy adult relationships.

Sometimes people just share their problems because they want you to listen and are looking for validation. If they don't ask for your help specifically, it's usually better to assume they don't want your help than it is to assume they do and start telling them what they need to do.

Right, I now realize that is what women are doing after reading all these relationship books. Wish I would have read some of them earlier. They should be required reading for anyone getting married. I was just trying to do what I thought was right.

Thanks for the feedback!

[idontunderstand]

My heart and prayers are with you, Dan.

[dday101798]

Dan,

You tell your neighbors/friends to e-mail your W that they nor you are bashing her.

You tell your sister not contact/console your W.

You nearly tell and think you should still have told your W's doctor about her own problems (co-incidently, how would you have liked it if she had told yours, I don't know, your balls don't look right and scheduled a prostate screening on your UNKNOWN behalf?) .

See a pattern here?

[DanF]

Dan,

You tell your neighbors/friends to e-mail your W that they nor you are bashing her.

You tell your sister not contact/console your W.

You nearly tell and think you should still have told your W's doctor about her own problems (co-incidently, how would you have liked it if she had told yours, I don't know, your balls don't look right and scheduled a prostate screening on your UNKNOWN behalf?) .

See a pattern here?

Yes. But that all happened recently. I never acted this way before the A or filing for D.


I wanted to talk to the doctor because I was/am concerned about W's health and to try to save our M. If Sandi is right about HRT and the effect reduced hormones might be having on W's "feelings for me", perhaps this is a contributing factor to the sitch that W is refusing to consider? I was looking for educated guidance.

I will leave it alone and stop trying to control everything.

Thanks DDay.

[DanF]

So we told the kids tonight after dinner.

First question from W when I walk through the door is "so are you ok telling the kids tonight?" I say "Yeah, whatever." She finishes cooking dinner, we all eat and D wants to go outside to play with friends. W call her back and says, "So you guys know that Mom and Dad have been sleeping in different rooms because we haven't been getting along, right? well, we have decided to get a divorce." At this point, my D throws a crumpled-up napkin in her face. W continues "We both love you very much and want you to know that this isn't because of anything you did. We don't know all of the details, but for now, we are all going to be living in the same house." S asks, "What's the problem?" W says "Just adult problems. Mom and Dad don't love each other like a husband and wife should, so we have decided that this is best. Dad, do you have anything to add?" So I ask if they have any other questions and tell them that I am giving them a pad and paper to write down any questions they think of so we can talk about them when we have the chance. The kids seem normal and then go outside to play.

I really HATE W right now for doing this to our family and I want to tell it to her face. I want her to feel what I am feeling. I don't even want to look at her anymore.....

[TimeHeals]

First question from W when I walk through the door is "so are you ok telling the kids tonight?" I say "Yeah, whatever."

Boy, I am just hoping that sounds less like a pouty teenager in real life than it does reading it

Mom and Dad don't love each other like a husband and wife should, so we have decided that this is best. Dad, do you have anything to add?"

Umm yeah, you don't speak for me. You can tell the kids how you feel, but not how I feel, OK?