What confuses me the most is that day to day stuff like going to dinner and stuff around the house all is well. We interact very well and everyone is happy. We talk and everything and we do not fight. But in the past any time I borught up the big question, can we work on things the answer is always No, I am done. I still get the same feeling from her. If everythnig is better and we are communicating better and why does she not want to fix things the rest of the way. Didn't I fix the known problems? In fact it seemed that when I did fix some of the things she would actually get mad. Like, crap he fixed that, now what excuse do I use to leave? But at the same time it does not seem she is gonig anywhere soon. But it also seems that she is looking for someone else. She started wearing mini skirts, never did before and I was doing laundry the other day and she started wearing thong underwear. I always asked her to do this before when things were good and she would not. But at the same time, I know that she is haveing problems that would make sex painful. So I do not know what to believe anymore. If it were not for my son, I think I would just give her the freedom she craves. She does not know why she wants it, but she just does. She wants to be a teenager with no responsibility. I got news for her, she is going to hurt her S and H. And her H is the only person who ever treated her with love and respect in her family. So she is gonig to hurt the 2 people who love her even with her flaws so that she can go try to be a teenager. I just does not work that way, and it will be too late when she realizes it. This all hurts so much.
Thanks, DLS. Once I stated that a WAW was "disgusted" with her H and some of the men thought I was being too harsh. But it's the truth and that's the only way to make people see how she thinks. If the majority of WAW's in an A feel anything like I did...then everything turns her off. She doesn't want to have to share the same air b/c that would mean having to be in the same room. Blunt, right? But men need to know this fact and stop chasing after a wife who can can't stand him. It is not going to change her feelings.
The LBH seems to think he can talk her into feeling differently.....but he can't. Talking makes her worse! I know there are some on the board that believe in shaming or guilting the WAW back into the R, but I disagree. Would you want to live with anyone that you were "shamed" into staying with? I wouldn't! Guilt is not a good foundation for a M, IMHO.
I'll go another step farther.....I wouldn't want a S to stay just for the children, either. Don't take me wrong, but how would a man like to know his W was staying with him for no other reason except to be there for the kids? Oh, they say that she should but a little while of living under those conditions and his tune would change. He doesn't REALLY want her there except that she wants to be with him! And that is how it "should" be, but when LBH's come here...they find every reason that she should stay in the M. They need to wake up and they need to see how it really is....not what they "think" or "feel".
So would she still talk to me like nothing is wrong and have conversations about how she feels about things if she felt this way? This is what is confusing me. So what is the answer? Kicking her out of the house? I am certainly not leaving. As long as she is in the house she can pretend that the family unit is OK but still not have to sleep with digusting me. I cannot think of any other way to detach. her routine is in tackt and she can flirt and everythignwith people on the computer and preetend to be somone she is not. That feeds her ego. Anytime you show her a glimpse of who she is she gets freaked out. She is living in a dream world, and the only way around it is to wake her up. How do I get there? And better yet, do I want to? Wil lshe do this again? I am not sure it was what I did, but what is gonig on in her mind. I cannot combat that I dont think.
Well knowing this it seems that the best thing to do is to GAL and date, if there is sliver of love left in that WAS heart ( which it usually is ), they will get insanely jealous and come to claim the man that they thought would remain on the spot that they put them on.
Is this a good idea? I am worried that if I did this that it would give her the ammunition she needs to blame me for the D. It seems to me that she has been trynig to get me to do somethnig, anythnig so that she can blame me becasue she does not have a good reson for wanting to be out of the marriage. Any time we talked about it, the answer I got was " I do not know why, I just do not want to be married anymore." Can sombody explain this. I do not have a problem dating as long as it does not affect a D proceedings. I have been without any type of affection for months to years, it would be nice to have someone aprpeciate me for a change. Would do wonders for my self esteem that she has torn down for years.
How do I detach without tgiving the impression that I do not love her anymore? It just seems to me that if I stop givig her attention that she will think I am done.
"lovingly detach"
I did things sporadically that were targeted to make her feel loved. You must do these things with no expectations. The Greeks LLs are WOA and AOS so I looked for ways to scratch those itches. Really listening, making eye contact and holding it, agreeing with her feelings and letting her be her. If I wanted something I made it a goal for her to do it (180). I wanted a hug so I made it a goal for her to give me one (not pursuing). So I had to know what would attract her. Be catnip.
ex. "I know you like this band and I heard they just released a new CD so I picked it up for you."
Look for things that show a emotional connection without it being discussed. Because you "know" her. Wear a cologne you know she likes, smell triggers powerful emotions. Buy a new shirt in a color she likes on you that you like. Be sensual - involve the senses. Don't talk about it and don't expect anything from it - confidence (know that you are attractive to her.) Don't tell the Greek but I still use these DB mind tricks - SSSHHHHH.
Thanks, DLS. Once I stated that a WAW was "disgusted" with her H and some of the men thought I was being too harsh. But it's the truth and that's the only way to make people see how she thinks. If the majority of WAW's in an A feel anything like I did...then everything turns her off. She doesn't want to have to share the same air b/c that would mean having to be in the same room. Blunt, right? But men need to know this fact and stop chasing after a wife who can can't stand him. It is not going to change her feelings.
The LBH seems to think he can talk her into feeling differently.....but he can't. Talking makes her worse! I know there are some on the board that believe in shaming or guilting the WAW back into the R, but I disagree. Would you want to live with anyone that you were "shamed" into staying with? I wouldn't! Guilt is not a good foundation for a M, IMHO.
I'll go another step farther.....I wouldn't want a S to stay just for the children, either. Don't take me wrong, but how would a man like to know his W was staying with him for no other reason except to be there for the kids? Oh, they say that she should but a little while of living under those conditions and his tune would change. He doesn't REALLY want her there except that she wants to be with him! And that is how it "should" be, but when LBH's come here...they find every reason that she should stay in the M. They need to wake up and they need to see how it really is....not what they "think" or "feel".
So would she still talk to me like nothing is wrong and have conversations about how she feels about things if she felt this way? This is what is confusing me. So what is the answer? Kicking her out of the house? I am certainly not leaving. As long as she is in the house she can pretend that the family unit is OK but still not have to sleep with digusting me. I cannot think of any other way to detach. her routine is in tackt and she can flirt and everythignwith people on the computer and preetend to be somone she is not. That feeds her ego. Anytime you show her a glimpse of who she is she gets freaked out. She is living in a dream world, and the only way around it is to wake her up. How do I get there? And better yet, do I want to? Wil lshe do this again? I am not sure it was what I did, but what is gonig on in her mind. I cannot combat that I dont think.
SMM23,
You have been compartamentalized. It means you have an area in your wifes mind and heart where she keeps you. She keeps her lover somewhere else. What really gets my blood going is that OM may have "ownership" of the vagina.
What I have been doing is using the sandy2 information and viewpoint of a female wayward and my own experiences as a wayward husband in a previous relationship and figuring out what its going to take to help change the WAW's mentality.
Once you understand that while they are having their affair that they are not really thinking of you, or that you have been removed from certain duties, pleasures or responsbilities - the question is what is it going to take to assist it going back in the right direction.
Most of us know that you aren't going to plead, beg it or demand it to go back. Usually there has to be actions taken or societal impacts, etc that make it that a wayward would rather to come home and take their marriage seriously again.
Thanks Daddy, I am concentrating on that. I finally broke down and had a discussion about some of the crap gonig on in the house. I told her that it is not acceptable behavior to be yellnig at S. I also told her that she needs to limit the amount of time on Facebook while we are around or I am shutting off the network. If she continues with the constant texting and such, she either needs to leave the room or I will ask her to leave. Asked about some spending that I found out about and she came straight out and told me what it was for. So she is being honest when i ask her, but sneaky in that she is just doing it. So I told her that the sneaking around needs to stop or she can find another place to live. She said she was not sneaking around, but I gave her examples of what I meant and then she said she understood. Do not know exactly what that meant but I told her what I expect.
But here is somethnig else that bothers me. She has a freind that she had in high school and just recently reconnected with after 20 years. This friend recently D her H. H last week was accidentally shot in head and in IC. So W went to help friend out and that was nice and all. But like I mentioned before, spent more time in 1 day at the hospital with F than she did the 3 1/2 days I was in hospital. W texted F and had S say he loved her. That was a week ago. Last night W receives update on F's XH. F thanked W for all her help. W writes back saying NP and that she loved her. Wife has not said I love you in any text or email to me in years. I realize that WAW has been building for years, but this hurt that a friend that she has not been close to for 20 years is close enough to W that she would say that. Me who has been with her for 20 years gets sh!$.
After the talk with her I decided that I finally am just going to go about business as usual. I also mentioned her diabetes problem and she said that the doctor cost too much. I asked if it was worth her life. She immediately turned it into the fact that I am 100 lbs overweight and have already been in the hospital once this year with heart issues. (My heart issues are aniety attacks. EKG read like a textbook for health the doctor says.) So I proposed this, she goes to the doctor and I will go on whatever diet she has to so that it will keep both of us in line. She did not 100% agree, but I made progress. The more I look up on the diabetes problem the more I think it has a contributing factor in our relationship problems as well. She is not thinking clearly, mood problems (she blames this on me), and sexual problems, stomach problems, and the list goes on. For MANY reasons it is in my best interest to get her help. So that is what I am pushing for now. But no matter what, I want to start tosing the weight and that way even if things go south in the end, I will have an easier time of picking up the pieces and dating again.
Thanks Daddy, I am concentrating on that. I finally broke down and had a discussion about some of the crap gonig on in the house. I told her that it is not acceptable behavior to be yellnig at S. I also told her that she needs to limit the amount of time on Facebook while we are around or I am shutting off the network. If she continues with the constant texting and such, she either needs to leave the room or I will ask her to leave. Asked about some spending that I found out about and she came straight out and told me what it was for. So she is being honest when i ask her, but sneaky in that she is just doing it. So I told her that the sneaking around needs to stop or she can find another place to live. She said she was not sneaking around, but I gave her examples of what I meant and then she said she understood. Do not know exactly what that meant but I told her what I expect.
But here is somethnig else that bothers me. She has a freind that she had in high school and just recently reconnected with after 20 years. This friend recently D her H. H last week was accidentally shot in head and in IC. So W went to help friend out and that was nice and all. But like I mentioned before, spent more time in 1 day at the hospital with F than she did the 3 1/2 days I was in hospital. W texted F and had S say he loved her. That was a week ago. Last night W receives update on F's XH. F thanked W for all her help. W writes back saying NP and that she loved her. Wife has not said I love you in any text or email to me in years. I realize that WAW has been building for years, but this hurt that a friend that she has not been close to for 20 years is close enough to W that she would say that. Me who has been with her for 20 years gets sh!$.
After the talk with her I decided that I finally am just going to go about business as usual. I also mentioned her diabetes problem and she said that the doctor cost too much. I asked if it was worth her life. She immediately turned it into the fact that I am 100 lbs overweight and have already been in the hospital once this year with heart issues. (My heart issues are aniety attacks. EKG read like a textbook for health the doctor says.) So I proposed this, she goes to the doctor and I will go on whatever diet she has to so that it will keep both of us in line. She did not 100% agree, but I made progress. The more I look up on the diabetes problem the more I think it has a contributing factor in our relationship problems as well. She is not thinking clearly, mood problems (she blames this on me), and sexual problems, stomach problems, and the list goes on. For MANY reasons it is in my best interest to get her help. So that is what I am pushing for now. But no matter what, I want to start tosing the weight and that way even if things go south in the end, I will have an easier time of picking up the pieces and dating again.
I'm starting to think the old school method of shooting the guy or having his a$$ beaten severly is the best way. First it teaches him that its not good to screw with a wife of yours. It teaches others not to screw with wives. And it teaches anyone who knows about it not to screw with a wife of yours.
l. I also mentioned her diabetes problem and she said that the doctor cost too much.
Stop playing a parenting role. She's a big girl now. She wants out, let her go, let her manage on her own without you playing a concerned parent role.
This comes across as controlling. You are telling her how to take care of herself.
Nobody really likes it when somebody is always doing that.
I never thought of it that way. I do realize that when I mention it she gives me that look. the same one she gives her mother when she mentions it. I know that she has had problems with her mother her whole life. So I feel like she has put me in that catagory now. So I guess me saying this is pushing me further into the parenting role which she wants to be a little kid with n responsability, but she does not want to be told what to do. NO RULES!!
I'm starting to think the old school method of shooting the guy or having his a$$ beaten severly is the best way. First it teaches him that its not good to screw with a wife of yours. It teaches others not to screw with wives. And it teaches anyone who knows about it not to screw with a wife of yours.
I am with you. If I find out who it is, it would take all of my being not to beat the bastard to within an inch of his life. I would not becasue I want to get AT LEAST co-parenting or more. I am not so sure she wants custody, he would cramp her new found freedom to screw as she wishes.
