So, what, if anything, did ic say that Nate and Sydney should be told when they find dan's porn pics? That it's ok, because what daddy is doing isn't illegal?
Its not THAT bad though is it, if Nathan ever found anything?? Its all part of growing up, boys/teenagers will find and look at porn and be curious, thats normal. He's a little young right now of course.. but me and my BFF found her Dad's stash of porn in the wardrobe when we were 8 and wow we were enthralled and thought it was cool! It didnt do me any harm, in fact, because of hers and my parents openness, I've always had a very healthy attitude to sex and no body/shame issues. I knew my Dad had porn material too and I never had any desire to seek out 'wierd' stuff when older, as it just seemed so normal and everday.
Making it seem so wrong, dirty, shameful and being disgusted by it, now THATS what creates issues and may be exactly why Dan ended up like this.
I agree with the IC that bringing it up with Dan could be counter productive and of course, I doubt you could have ANY influence on his lifesyle or how careful he is, you cant police, you cant be there, you cant know how careful he will be in reality, even if he promised to be in future. The only real way to protect them would be to get a lawyer to detail it all in a letter and insinuate that you will apply for reduced visitation if you feel the kids are at risk of exposure to harmful material, but I doubt you want to do that. Plus as the IC says, its not illegal, its just like smoking, its a lifestyle choice.
I think its fair enough to be concerned though and maybe you should speak to him (not about the camera) in a way that wont embarress him into a counterattack? How about meeting with him and saying you have been thinking about the time you unpacked his case from the lounge floor and found porn DVD's and whilst you respect thats his choice to partake, you are really concerned a curious child could find things like this, or photographs, or other adult things and its been really worrying you. Can he reassure you that he will be careful and protect the kids from exposure as they are so young? You worry because you are D now and you cant be there all the time so its natural, as a mother, to worry? I dont know, just appeal to his better nature... if he has one !!???
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I think it is partly cultural too. When I was in Denmark, little kids knew about sex and body parts and really they weren't uncomfortable about it at all. So different than here in the US.
The way Dan is, I could see him leaving porn around just to get your goat. I really don't know the best way to address it. Sorry.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
But some kids see porn and are terrified like my friend's daughter. She went on the computer at someone's house to play a game and the dad left some porn on it. Of course she was horrified and had nightmares and was very very very disturbed.
It isn't because her mom is all hush hush about sex but she was only 8 and to see the act of a man doing that to a woman without really understanding what is going on and the woman seems like she is being attacked....come on! THINK about it, you guys!I am liberal and NOT anti porn but I don't want to scare a child away from sex when they are a grown-up by traumatizing them so young.
Last edited by newmama; 07/08/1003:26 PM.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Wow, this Dan package issue sure seems to have taken off! Personally I have never taken a picture of any part of my body but so what if Dan has and so what if it is still in his camera. BBJ, I am the last guy to defend Dan but if I am handed a brand new camera, it would take me a half hour to figure out how to find pictures. I can't remember exactly how old your kids are but I would think that it would be highly improbable that they play with Dan's camera and even less that they find the pictures. And....even if they did.....I would venture a guess that there are items in the house that are probably more "dangerous" starting with what is on television. So forget about Dan and his family and his package and his stupid text messages....why don't you shut your mobile off for a while....especially when you have the kids......you wuld benefit from the rest.....the guy is relentless.
So, now that the IC has shot down talking to Dan about the camera, what are you doing to keep him from access to you? What boundaries are you enforcing specifically? Make a list here (again...just to be clear) and we will help you to stick to it!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
It really isn't too hard... just don't reply to messages unless they are about the kids and urgent. He tried to give advice/problem solve/control on the new car and mortgage stuff but I did not respond. Can't remember if I posted it here or not but he found out via a cattle friend that I was getting a new car. Then texted to tell me he had heard that and was I getting the mortgage handled first?
Well the transmission is going the car needs some overhauls if I keep it so for safety's sake too bad, I am not waiting on the mortgage!
Oh and I accidentally got him 'in trouble' with his insurance agent... He switched our policies to an out of town Farm Bureau last year. When I went to the hometown guy (I work with his wife at school) this morning, he had pulled up all our policies to make me new, separate ones.
Well, when Dan got his insurance on his house he took out a renter's policy. His theory then was that he lived at his parents' still and if we got back together he would just 'flip' it or rent it. Well he moved in and never changed it. So my agent was saying how that was not good for Dan at all because now that he lived there it only covered minimal things at actual value not replacement value (I have replacement value) so he would be screwed if he had a major incident like a storm or fire or flooding. He said he was calling Dan's agent and telling him the situation so he could call Dan and talk about getting REAL homeowner's, not rental insurance. He also got the mortgage as a rental mortgage not residence. Oh well, his problem.
I am doing well. Missy and I stayed up till two a.m. talking, it was great! Now I am hanging out at a Starbucks on the patio while my car gets detailed. Trading it in tonight or tomorrow for something new(er). Starting to get a little cold feet on NEW since I have never had new. Maybe I will, maybe I will get a program car or something with a few thousand miles just do I don't have the big depreciation hit. We'll see when I get there!
Also I am feeling like a responsible grown-up today, in a good way. Going to the insurance agent by myself, choosing the policies I wanted, and getting life insurance for the first time. All good things. I feel better knowing my bases are covered for my kids' sake.
VERY well done BBJ!!! I've never had a new car either but I bought a 1 year old car with only 15k on it which is the newest I've every owned. It still had the remaindr of the warranty on it too (5 year or 100k) so that was a comfort. Someone else got to take the depreciation the second the wheels left the lot and they got the kinks worked out. Great for me!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
He switched our policies to an out of town Farm Bureau last year. When I went to the hometown guy (I work with his wife at school) this morning, he had pulled up all our policies to make me new, separate ones.