Allen's right, Antonia. This is your WH sniffing around your fire hydrant, trying to lift his leg to mark it. DO NOT let him. Tell the other guys to ignore him. It will rock his boat BIG time!
He's tryign to push for A Antonia.. He does NOT want you around other men... He wants you for himself as I told you he would...
He won't accept B.. he may put on a show that he's done, but he does NOT want you moving on...
Sunny, he is trying to control the situation yes... but its because he wants to protect his little cake eating setup
Well, that's what I meant, ultimately. I'm just not as good in the advice-giving/explaining dept. as you guys are.... YET! lol Since I want to be a FT, I will get there!
Ok I have a question. H left a month ago and paid half the bills up to the end of June, but does not intend to pay anything more to me. I talked to a lawyer about this and was told that likely the courts would not do anything about it because the salaries are so similar. Frankly he has been a big spender since we voluntarily separated 2 accounts so I'm not upset about that move. I have made it clear that I am not interested in filing for divorce and that I don't support his ongoing affair or him filing. I have also stopped all contact with him. Now the one thing I have done legally is to file a separation/property settlement agreement which he supports verbally and which will be delivered to him next week. The lawyer told me that this doesn't even mention divorce, but that should he file at some point, it will incorporated into the divorce petition. She said all this did was to protect my assets and to allow me to move on financially myself, and since I want to hold on to the house myself, that most people in his position say ok to that in the early stages, but if left alone after a few months, they start to miss the house and then fight the LBS for it. I didn't want that to happen. So I filed this agreement so that I can refinance it and have my own name on the mortgage and handle paying for it better because half our household income is suddenly gone.
Now I know it's too late to change what I did, but I wonder does a move like this send the message that I am moving on and getting my own life, and that I'm not going to be a doormat, or does it send the message that I want a divorce? Cause I don't. I've said that repeatedly. Will he interpret this as my caring for myself and being independent and strong? Or will he interpret it another way?
Then, when the agreement is filed, I do have a time window to refinance the house and part of that entails a home equity loan which has to be used to pay him half of the equity. I think the lawyer said 3 months is the window. What's the best procedure there? Refinance right away and give him his buyout in a month or so? Or take it to the end of the window?
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Now I know it's too late to change what I did, but I wonder does a move like this send the message that I am moving on and getting my own life, and that I'm not going to be a doormat, or does it send the message that I want a divorce? Cause I don't. I've said that repeatedly. Will he interpret this as my caring for myself and being independent and strong? Or will he interpret it another way?
Honestly, who cares what he thinks? You have to protect yourself, and the sooner you do that the better. If you constantly wonder how is going to react, you are still a doormat no matter what you are doing.
You are just a doormat in denial
You have to do the right thing, and protecting yourself and your home are--among other things--the right thing.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/11/1012:06 AM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Doormat in denial, that's funny. Oh Allen I forgot to mention this because we've talked a lot about exposure. Guess what? No one is willing to pressure him to end the affair. Family, friends, whichever. They won't do it. I've asked people to support me by pressuring him to end it, and no one will do it. They just keep telling me that their not being in contact with him is a form of that pressure and they aren't "comfortable" with any more than that. In addition, we have a few mutual friends, who have kept the communication lines with him open. They just say they don't want to take sides. They love us both and they think that cutting him off or telling him "we don't support what you're doing as long as you're having an affair" is too harsh and they don't want to do that to him. They feel like it would fan the flames too much to take a stand. Some say they just figure that eventually their relationship with him will fizzle out. I mean, he hasn't been taking the OW around to see them or anything, it's like they're involved but he's not forcing her on to people, but I just cannot get anyone to take a side. So that's why I guess the exposure stage just won't work.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
YOU : I am not asking to take my side, I am asking you to stand for OUR MARRIAGE rather than THEIR AFFAIR
FRIEND : He's got enough pressure on him
YOU : You mean you do. I understand this is hard for you but can you imagine how hard this is for ME? Help our marriage please. I am there for you when yours hits a rough spot.
FRIEND : It's too harsh to say that
YOU : What she's DOING is harsh. She's threatening my children's future. I am asking you to protect me and our family from an affair.
FRIEND : The affair will fizzle out
YOU : Three years from now! My children and I are not going to sit through that kid of abuse. You want us to feel this worthless and violated for three years because its uncomfortable for you to give my husband some half decent advice? We will be GONE by then. I am asking you to help avoid that unfortunate ending.
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Exposure does work, you need to press and educate these people a bit is all.
You have to understand this is a very uncomfortable thing you are asking them to do - be a grownup.
I often view being a grown up as diong things that are the right thing to do but also mean a lot of discomfort in doing so.
Children avoid those things. Why apologize? It's just uncomfortable. Why repair the marriage? It's just uncomfortable. WHy confront him? It's just uncomfortable. Why challenge my brother about his affair? It's just uncomfortable.
They are just giving you excuses, you need to make them understand that thsi will not fizzle out, its abusive, and that you aren't going to sit around and watch you and your kids get miserable over this... you WILL walk OUT even if it means the kids have to grow up in a broken home.
If they tell you to leave now you tell them you want to give H a chance to wake up, but he needs guidance from his friends... And them saying NOTHING does NOT help him at all.. He NEEDS good advice adn he's not getting it.
Ok help please. I have not been in contact for like 5 days or more. I got this email from H this morning (edited down a bit):
"I will be going away soon so I just wanted to check in with you and get back to you about anything that may need to get taken care of before I depart. I didn't call you because I was away when I got your message and I also didn't know what your plans were. I didn't want to call at an awkward time or ruin your mood if you were with friends.
I haven't been avoiding you out of malice or any such reason but just because I (and others) believe it is what is best for you right now. I will be leaving on Wed. morning and returning on the 20th. (This is for a trip with male friends).
I am busy today but I have a hair cut scheduled near the house Tues morning if you would like to meet. It's up to you. I'm not forcing you to make that decision rather I feel it is best to leave it up to you. If not that is not something you want to do that is fine as well. I hope you are adjusting and learning to enjoy life without me. Again, I'm sorry. I regret putting you through all of this."
Ok first of all I really dislike the fact that he is acting like HE is the one who is "going dark" because HE AND OTHERS think it's "best for me." Like I'm a child. That really angers me. I have stopped all contact entirely and in the past several weeks I might have only contacted him a handful of times and primarily regarding legal issues. I stopped the begging and pleading WEEKS ago. So that bugs me.
But other than that, do you see? There is just zero trace of this man ever wanting anything to do with me again as his wife. "I hope you are learning to adjust and enjoy life without me." I mean, how can I possibly save this marriage? I just don't see how I can. He has no feeling towards me. He is all cold. He loved me for 20plus years and just shut me out entirely overnight. I mean we were with each other SO MANY hours of the day before, and we were best friends, and it is killing me not to talk to him, but I guess it does not hurt him AT ALL to not be with me. I think of him every minute of the day and can't stop myself, and he must never think of me. This is truly awful.
Ok I guess that was my vent more than a question.
My question is what do I do? Ignore this, I'm guessing. Just ignore it. And as far as the haircut, well he is going to very likely park his damn car in our driveway to do this because it is NEXT DOOR. So should I be out of the house tomorrow at 9:30??
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
PS the message he refers to getting from me was only a text sent a week ago that said just this: "the property settlement is filed. If you want any legal information about it call me; otherwise don't worry about it."
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
