do many women constantly complain about aches and pains that they have to say something bothers them All Day Long?! i usually come home to a 44 yr old woman complaining about an ache here, an ache there, "i don't know why i'm soooooo tired; we need a new kitchen, a new car; i want to move; etc."
this is another reason why i am in a ssm! she has aches and pains constantly, and that's game! i can forget about even thinking about having any sex. these aches are basic headaches, leg aches, foot aches, neck aches, shoulder aches; they're nothing serious, but they're enough to thwart any form of sex, or even any fun of any kind.
she's also Always tired!!! she's tired friday nights, monday nights, tuesday, wednesday, etc. she doesn't work during the summer, so you would think that maybe she would gain some strength through r and r and realize that it's perfect time to catch up on some "we" time, but that's not it at all. even if it's a friday night in the summer, she acts like it's a friday night during the school year! all she does is run the kids to camp and back again, and then she can do whatever she wants: household chores, hangout by the pool, shop, etc.
i mean, she's only 44, for goodness sakes! come on!
she is dead inside. there is no more passion in this marriage, no more desire to be with me as a wife, as a lover, not even as a friend, because all she wants to talk about is renovating the kitchen, and about her day at work, and about the kids. she's not into anything i am into: music, some sports, literature. she does ask about my day, but when i start to tell her what happened, she usually goes against me, rather than show support, or just listen.
i am reading glover's book, and find most of it relating to my nice guy ways, but also don't agree with some other issues. for example: washing cars, going away alone, trying not to be your father, doing things for others because you want a reward or want to be liked.
what if you like your car nice and clean, and it has nothing to do with wanting others to like you for it? am i wrong for this attitude? does this make me a nice guy? my car is filthy because of a water shortage in my town, and because i haven't had the opportunity to get it to the car wash.
what's wrong with not being like your father? what if your father left you when you were 11 and really didn't give you a whole lot except for advice and words? what if he is and was a good guy, but was never there for you when you needed some money,or clothes,because he said he never had the money? what if i want to be like him personality wise, but different when it comes to spending money? what if i want to stay in this ssm until i deem the kids are old enough to understand why i am leaving, unlike he who just left when i was 11, and didn't really understand what was going on?
the marriage is dead; it's been long dead. she has been dead for years. nothing i can say or do will turn her around.
we sleep on the opposite side of our king size bed. she sleeps with a pillow between us. the pillow gets pushed-up against me,and she would rather hold the pillow than me.
she complains of aches and pains and tiredness--signal of "don't even bother in trying to have sex with me."
she never compliments me on how i look, or ever says that she loves me (i would have to say it first, and no longer do because sometimes when i do, she says,"see you later," instead of "i love you too,"). i also no longer compliment her as well ( just recently, she was dressed in this excellent blue maxi dress which drives me crazy! i didn't say anything about how good she looked. minutes later, she wanted to know how she looked. i said, " you know how i feel about that dress." "yeah, yeah ,yeah," she replied. "what does that mean?" i asked. she said that she knows how i feel because i look at her like a stalker! wow!!! that pretty much puts an end to me ever complimenting her again!).
i don't and can't mention anything about sex or give the idea about wanting to have sex, because she rejects any notion or verbal communication that deals with sex ( recently, she and i were on facebook. she instant meassaged me. i was in the living room on a laptop, she was in the kitchen on hers. i texted back saying that this technique can be very useful in verbal foreplay. she retorted not to bother because she wasn't in the mood, and that real ladies do not do such things! wow! another slap in the face!).
no chance of having sex in the morning, no chance of having sex during daylight hours, no chance of having sex during the week due to work schedule; only chance of sex is on a saturday when she deems it so (a few months ago, i tried to be spontaneous by going into the bathroom when she got out of the shower. we tried doing it standing up; no good; we tried doing it with her on top of me while i sat on the toilet; she said that her legs hurted her, so she didn't want to do all of the work; i tried to get her from behind leaning her over the sink's counter; no good, because she said that it's a "dirty" position, and then she walked out leaving me "hanging"; she didn't want to masturbate me or get into bed and have a quickie, because she was all clean. i did have sex later that night, but we could've had it twice that day if it wasn't for this attitude of hers, and this has been her attitude for many, many years. i just don't know how this relationship and attitude developed, because it was never like this!).
i am doing my best to put myself first(second after the kids), and just go about my business with her as if it's a business venture, solely platonic.
i have years and years and years of this crap stored in journals, and in my brain.
do many women constantly complain about aches and pains that they have to say something bothers them All Day Long?! i usually come home to a 44 yr old woman complaining about an ache here, an ache there, "i don't know why i'm soooooo tired; we need a new kitchen, a new car; i want to move; etc."
this is another reason why i am in a ssm! she has aches and pains constantly, and that's game! i can forget about even thinking about having any sex. these aches are basic headaches, leg aches, foot aches, neck aches, shoulder aches; they're nothing serious, but they're enough to thwart any form of sex, or even any fun of any kind.
she's also Always tired!!! she's tired friday nights, monday nights, tuesday, wednesday, etc. she doesn't work during the summer, so you would think that maybe she would gain some strength through r and r and realize that it's perfect time to catch up on some "we" time, but that's not it at all. even if it's a friday night in the summer, she acts like it's a friday night during the school year! all she does is run the kids to camp and back again, and then she can do whatever she wants: household chores, hangout by the pool, shop, etc.
i mean, she's only 44, for goodness sakes! come on!
she is dead inside. there is no more passion in this marriage, no more desire to be with me as a wife, as a lover, not even as a friend, because all she wants to talk about is renovating the kitchen, and about her day at work, and about the kids. she's not into anything i am into: music, some sports, literature. she does ask about my day, but when i start to tell her what happened, she usually goes against me, rather than show support, or just listen.
Take care of some of her ache's pains and discomforts. However with the sheer volume, she has many excuses which to choose from and can rotate them. I don't understand why some wives will use just about any excuse to get out of sex from their husband.
As a man do what you can do to ensure that your wife wants you to "have it", and that would be staying in shape and in good clothing, and a good attitude. Present yourself such that you are desireable to a great many women out side of your house, some wives will desire you more if they know others want you.
my wife could care less if other women want me. she would be jealous and angry, but she would never and has never thrown herself all over me trying to gain my love back. on earth 2, this would happen and i would live happily ever after. but on this earth, she nevers comes to me to make me feel wanted, to distract me from other women, to make me understand that she is the one for her.
horrible, horrible, horrible sex!!!!! horrible! so bad that i couldn't even have an orgasm!! so bad that my mind was so focused on my wife's face filled with misery that i just couldn't have an orgasm!
we got into bed after having a nice day together. got the kids into bed, shut their door, shut ours, locked it, and tried to get things started.
1. "i can't believe i'm gonna do this now. you'll be asleep in ten mins, while i will be up all night--as usual!" she said.
2. "don't touch me there, don't pull up my shirt. why can't you be like other men, and just get it over with?! why do you need all of this stuff (foreplay) all of the time?! it takes too long, and i just want to get it done, but you need to have this looooonnnngggg drawn out session!" she said.
3. i go a tad soft, but then do my best to push all of this nonsense away, and start having intercourse.
4. i can see her face in the dim light coming in from the streetlight: it's a look of misery, of "i can't wait until he's done," "how much longer?"
5. her eyes are looking at the ceiling, at the door, at me then quickly at the wall.
6. then she starts giggling about the noise our bodies were making--like a suction-cup sound. i thought this would relax her, and break the tension, but it didn't: i tried to pick up her shirt again, and again she told me no.
7. still staring blankly at me, i couldn't take it anymore, so i rolled her onto her side. i was determined to have an orgasm, and determined to get her going. " oh, i hate this position," she said.
8. i'd say about 15-20 mins passed when i just stopped. she wanted to know if i was cumming, because it was starting to hurt, so i stopped where she proceeded to say, "what's wrong? i don't know why you just can't be like other men. that's because you jerk-off too much."
9. i told her that that was the most horrible sex ever! "you want to know why i couldn't cum? well, it's because of you psyching me out with your look of misery, and you telling me not to touch you there, and don't pull up my shirt!"
10. we got cleaned-up, got dressed, got back into bed, and she said,"i'm sorry, but you should be like other men, and don't expect so much (or something like that). I asked her who she was talking to that told her that men only want quickies? she said that she has read articles, and has seen it on tv shows. i said, "bullshit! not one tv show, not one article by the sexperts ever, ever say that most men want it fast and quick without any romance, foreplay, etc. whoever you are talking to and whatever you are reading is completely wrong! and i can take care of myself five times in one day, and still be able to have an orgasm while making love to you at night!"
she didn't even want me to give her an orgasm, let alone not touch her down there!
this isn't the first time this has happened; it actually happens quite often--whenever i initiate and she isn't in the mood.
you tell me what i should now do.
i can tell you that she will not discuss this issue tomorrow, that she will simply sweep it under the rug, and act like nothing happened waiting for august to come, for her period to come, so the pieces can be reset, and all will be forgotten, and she can get her monthly maintenance.
she could've said "tomorrow. i will make it up to you somehow." or she could've taken care of me some other way soon after i pulled out and not let it go this far, but that would be giving up control, losing her executive position in this empty, sexless, unromantic marriage. god forbid she actually did something loving, caring, sensitive for me!
tomorrow, i want to throw michele's book at her and tell her to start reading it, because if things don't change, i will start making other plans for my future--a future without her.
i know you cannot have a sexless marriage. you can't have an unromantic marriage as well. you need to be able to express your love for her/him without feeling any kind of fear that you will be rejected, just because you love this person! i try to give her kisses out of the blue, and she looks at me like i have three heads, like it's really a nuisance. she never puts her arms around me whenever i try to kiss her, wrapping mine around her: i literally have to put them around me, and even then it's half-hearted.
there's so much more that i can write, but i'm too tired.
i ain't no saint, but i've been doing my best to keep in mind what she dislikes about me, and i've been trying my damnest to correct any flaws she thinks i have (not being assertive enough; not being a teamplayer with her as a parent;not doing enough with the kids' schoolwork/homework/projects and other responsibilities they have to deal with in school, like forms,and other paper items).
and that's all i basically do all of the time: take care of her aches and pains. i give her back rubs, massages of all sorts, and she is still miserable. it's not like i dismiss her of these insignificant pains, but i just can't always be supportive because these are just too trivial.
horrible, horrible, horrible sex!!!!! horrible! so bad that i couldn't even have an orgasm!! so bad that my mind was so focused on my wife's face filled with misery that i just couldn't have an orgasm!.....
....she didn't even want me to give her an orgasm, let alone not touch her down there!
.....you tell me what i should now do.
...i can tell you that she will not discuss this issue tomorrow, that she will simply sweep it under the rug, and act like nothing happened waiting for august to come, for her period to come, so the pieces can be reset, and all will be forgotten, and she can get her monthly maintenance.
....tomorrow, i want to throw michele's book at her and tell her to start reading it, because if things don't change, i will start making other plans for my future--a future without her.
....i've been trying my damnest to correct any flaws she thinks i have (not being assertive enough; not being a teamplayer with her as a parent;not doing enough with the kids' schoolwork/homework/projects and other responsibilities they have to deal with in school, like forms,and other paper items).
....and that's all i basically do all of the time: take care of her aches and pains. i give her back rubs, massages of all sorts, and she is still miserable. it's not like i dismiss her of these insignificant pains, but i just can't always be supportive because these are just too trivial.
The emotional pain I suffered associated with ML to my wife last year caused me to start faking orgasms, just to get it over with so I could calm down and sleep. And that was by an HD man who needed more sex. I understand your pain. You have every right to be angry and frustrated.
I would like to share a few things that helped me. First I realized that "I needed to be responsible for my sexual happiness, and not rely upon my wife." The book No More Mr. Nice Guy was very eye opening to me. I strongly suggest you get it and read it. You sound very much like a "nice guy" and that is a real problem in a sexual relationship.
Transforming from a "nice guy" is not becoming a self-centered jerk, it is about becoming a more integrated person who understands that he (you) have needs that require being met and going about making sure that your needs are met in a variety of ways.
You need to take responsibility for your happiness, sexual, physical, emotional. I would also advise you against an affair. If it comes to that, wait until you are in a trail separation prior to getting your divorce finalized or better yet wait until you are a single man as it won't be an affair then. You can serve as a role model to your children on how to behave.
Next, and this is probably the most difficult hurdle to cross, as much as she has caused you pain, you need to forgive her and let go of your anger toward her. If possible you need to work on letting go of your anger and showing her love and friendship. Your anger is ultimately going to hurt you and keep you from gaining happiness.
Than means not throwing the book SSM at her and issuing her ultimatums. It means telling her that you value your relationship and would like to rebuild it and think that discussing the SSM book might help with that goal of yours. If she blows you off, just let it go as it is her loss. You tried, you showed her love and she will be the one that has to deal with the consequences of her actions later.
Ultimately if you divorce her, she is and always will be the mother of your children. That means that no matter how badly she has treated you, the two of you will need to socially interact at times. For the sake of your children, you should try to figure out a relationship with her that doesn't involve open hate or anger. Letting go of your anger and figuring out how to establish a friendship with her will help a lot if you don't end up divorcing her, but rebuild your marriage.
As such, try to let go of your anger, as much as it may be valid, and give her some consistent love in her primary languages of love. In the mean time get some life goals and work toward them (GAL per No More Mr Nice Guy) and show her that you are a different, strong, vibrant man that any woman would be proud to be associated with. You are no longer her servant, but a man.
There is a section in the Five Languages of Love, where a woman asks Chapman what can she do if she really hates her husband. In the most scripture intense part of the book, Chapman who knows that the woman is a devote Christian, reminds her of the story from the bible about loving one's enemy. Ultimately, the woman even though she feels that her husband is her enemy and hates him, shows him unconditional love. It changes his attitude toward her and saves their marriage.
You are not being treated well by your wife. However, you need to let go of your anger. You also need to work on "getting a life" and focusing on taking charge of bringing happiness into your life. Use your energy to find things that make you happy. Allow your wife to change with you and be supportive of her and show her love and friendship.
You might also want to read up on 180's as MDW and her books, including the SSM, is one of the few authors that discuss this important topic.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
