My W met with our MC for her solo session yesterday. It was so hard not to "take her temperature." She brought it up by reminding me of my solo appt. today. She also had "homework," reading a book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay. She seemed upbeat and far more relaxed than normal. Of course I could read this both ways, which kills me. So I spent most of the night trying to detach, but it's so hard sometimes. I hope my session goes well today. I doubt my MC will discuss too much of what my W said, but I just don't know.
I feel like a swimmer struggling against a huge tide.
One thing that I wanted to ask the forum regulars about was if I should be concerned about a potential EA (or even PA). I haven't seen any evidence that there is one, but I don't want to be a sucker. My wife isn't very tech savvy (I am) so it's not hard to try and gather evidence. Nothing in her email, browser history, cell history, or FB page would indicate anything inappropriate.
She does like to flirt (no big deal to me), and has a lot of guy friends at work who she sometimes brings leftovers for. Most of her coworkers are younger than she is, but again, no real warning signs.
She wants to get a tattoo, and she's also wanted to get a boob job for several years. In fact lately she's been making jokes about her boobs a lot. When she first mentioned wanting new boobs, I always told her that she was beautiful, and that she didn't really need them (we couldn't afford them anyway).
So now I think she's either trying to get a rise out of me or fishing for affirmation that they're still fine to me. I've just avoided commenting.
About a year ago, she started to be concerned about her appearance, more than normal. Got her hair colored, started wearing some makeup, and perfume. This was after she had gone to visit some of her H.S. friends on a "girls weekend." I liked the changes, but assumed the motivation was that she was just GAL.
Other than that, no odd conversations or actions on the phone, or weird behaviour.
If there is or has been an EA/PA, I can cope with that. I don't think it would hurt me anymore than the current sitch does, but I know that it would affect how I should approach DB'ing.
- You rec'd the ILYBINILWY speech. - She's not attracted to you and she is probably interested in someone else - You also got the "I don't love you the way a wife should love her husband" speech - plus all the other warning signs you've mentioned, - how much food do you guys cook that she can feed several guys at work?! WTF? I doubt she's feeding several guys, probably one or two in particular and the fact that they're younger than her is the warning sign, considering her age (36), it sounds about right to me.
Get thee to a gym, 30min. a day of walking with your mp3 player isn't cutting it, you need to pump some iron and boost that testosterone that has been slowly fading away in your system while it has been increasing in her system in her 30s giving her the urge to source out some "strange". You need to get in shape, you need to feel that aggressive, masculine spirit inside of you again, you sound extremely passive and laid back, the kind of guy who probably doesn't rock the boat much and probably says things like "whatever you decide is fine with me, I'm good".
I've been getting in much better shape, more for me than her. In the last month, I've lost over 20lbs by eating better and exercising. I started doing weights at the gym on Tuesday, and I'm going to try and go every other night. At the rate I'm losing weight, I should be down to 199lb by the middle of the month. I'm 6'3, so that's a good target for me. Then building my muscle up will be the goal. I had cancer five years ago, and have had a lot of health issues that I'm correcting now.
I am a passive, laid back guy. Not sure if that needs to be changed, since I don't want to become some macho stereotype, but I need to become more assertive.
You know her temperature it's cold. What are you going to do to make her boil for you?
Read what Rob wrote again.
I think he was attracted to your Pinhead handle.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
LOL yeah that's what did it for me, "Pinhead" too funny!
But back to the regularly scheduled program, her cooking food for and talking about this other guy at work is a huge red flag on the play.
Think about this, she cares enough about this guy to cook extra food for him and feed him, that's a very caring gesture. The fact that she talks about him freely in front of you doesn't suggest the same caring gesture towards you.
Since you mention the "macho" stereotype, what is the "macho" stereotype, I'm interested in hearing your definition of this.
Men are attracted to Women. Women are attracted to Men. Women are not attracted to Men who act like Women.
What kind of man are you? Over the years have your attractive masculine qualities washed away to leave behind a tired older man who is just a parent and not really an attractive mate for your wife?
Getting out of the house while she's home means giving up time with my daughters, so it's tough to stay out of her hair.
Also, I wonder if she's having an EA with a coworker.
The OM is in a longterm relationship,
and will be moving out of state in the next couple of weeks with his GF. My W frequently cooks food and takes it to work to share with him; she also talks about him a lot,
though she talks about a lot of her coworkers too. She doesn't have much time for any type of hookup, though she is working out in the mornings around 5AM at the Y. So that could just be a cover; I'll have to do some detective work to see if she's really going there or having a rendezvous.
If she's interested in this other guy, that's the beginning of the EA right there.
Look at the points I've highlighted above: - she's interested in a guy at her work - this is very common when it comes to affairs, someone she is in regular contact with, they become friendly, the personal/work borders get blurred - she shares food with him, think about that very gesture itself, you don't share food with just anyone, you don't cook just for anyone (not usually at any rate), she's bringing food to work for him, that's a very caring and intimate gesture, when is the last time she cooked food and brought it to you at your workplace? - the other guy, possibly a supervisor or manager at her work (doesn't have to be but I wouldn't be surprised if he was), being in a position of authority would just be another attraction trigger for her - he's in a relationship with another woman, forbidden fruit, something she can't have but something she wants (she doesn't want what she DOES have) - she talks about him a lot to you, she's interested enough in him to actually be ballsy enough to talk about him openly to you
And you say she doesn't have time to hook up with him or any other man. That's because you can't think about what's required for her to do this. It's always possible for something to happen at work, coffee/lunch breaks, personal meetings, etc. etc.
if you need to leave the home to "GAL", it's ok to leave the kids behind, you're allowed personal time, in fact it's a requirement for a healthy life, being a strong individual is part of being in a healthy relationship, don't forget the part of life that is just about you, no one else gets to live YOUR life, make it a good one.
- but hey don't feel like you can't be with your kids, take them with you, plan something where its just you and the kids, leave the wife home alone every now & then.
