My problem is, I'm not sure what works at this point. Everything seems to remain the same no matter what happens. Maybe that means her mind really is made-up regardless of anything else.
No, your problem is you don't realize this is going to take a long time to sort it's way through, no matter the outcome. However, the more you push, get ansy and yick-yack to every Tom, Dick and Harry about it, the worse it's going to get, to say anything of 'informing' your W that OM is playing her. C'mon, a cheater being cheated by a cheater. When she finds out, ON HER OWN, or perhaps from OM's W, that oughta shed a whole new light on the wonderful world of affairs for her, wouldn't it?
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Thanks for showing-up again DDay. You're right. A long time frame should be my expectation. I'm too impatient like most newcomers around here. It is what it is......
Just a quick update. I followed Puppy's advice and told W about OW2. Maybe it was a wrong move, but I didn't gloat or anything. I asked her if she had talked to OM lately and she said no. Then I said that I had talked to OMW and apparently OM has a new squeeze that he met in Las Vegas. He was at her house the other night. W said That's nice. It didn't seem to phase her at all.
Went to IC this morning and broke down while discussing the sitch. Don't feel like I got a whole lot out of it at the moment. Mostly just giving her background. Showed her W's divorce letter. Same C we both saw last week about talking to the kids.
I asked what her impressions were from our initial visit and she said this appeared to be very hard on each of us. W appears to be struggling with this too, but believes that her decision has been made and that she won't change her mind. That was particularly upsetting to me. She says this D is going to happen and I need to narrow my focus.
She asked what was most important to me now, reconciling with W, doing what is best for my kids or protecting myself in the D proceedings. Said I may get three different answers to those questions. I said I want to reconcile, but that the current strategy says protecting myself, working on my life and doing what is best for my kids are best for reconciling also.
Your C sounds like an idiot. Typical "people need to do what makes them happy... crap" how r u feeling blah blah.... Run from that one. She will only support your WAW's wanting to run away to be happy. Remember your C is not an expert on your R. Unless she's a psychic she has no way to know what is going to happen.
YOU can make this as fast and as slow a process as YOU feel COMFORTABLE with. If you contest it can take up to 2 years. No court will rush a divorce if the kids are being cared for period.
Stand your ground man!! Hold the line!! Just do it with strength and honor!! Do not be a jerk be nice and matter 0f fact. Let her know you will not fold.
I fought for 2 years and got joint physical custody after all the threats and blah.. blah... in the end I had to let her go. She had moved on to some jerk that was telling her everything she wanted to hear regardless of what was best for our daughter. It reminded me of the scene in War of the worlds w Tom Cruise having to let his son go.... After you have put up a good fight, at least a year or 2 sometimes it's better to let it go... YOU have to be the one to decide that. But YOU are only starting your FIGHT my friend. Just remember to always take the higher path. Dont fight dirt w dirt. My X tried making false claims w child services n calling her school, blah... the truths all came out in the end in the form of the guardian ad litem writing a report recommending to the court that I get full custody. So in my case staying on the higher path paid off.
Forgot to mention in my last post that W wants to tell the kids tomorrow night. Didn't sleep much last nigh, so I am kind of dragging today. The kids obviously know something is going on since we do things with them separately. They have asked a number of times if we are getting D, but we have been non-committal. Guess it is now time to commit. When I plan an event, I generally ask W if she wants to come along and she says no. When W plans something, the kids ask if I am coming and she says no. Maybe I need to quit inviting her? Shows more detachment?
I'm not worried anymore that the kids will think I want this, they know better than that.
I really wish we didn't have to do this. It seems to give it a bit more finality, but I know that I shouldn't be thinking that way. This is not the end. I am still only getting started.
W is planning to take the kids to the Great America amusement park the next day with a friend of hers and her kids. Hopefully they will still be able to have fun there.
W keeps planning events and spending money like she has plenty of it, but I am not going to be giving her cash for amusement. I am paying most of the bills however and I guess that is enabling.
Court date on the 13th should clear lost of things up about money issues.
Does anyone know anything about how to figure an annual variable bonus payment into CS or maintenance payments? My atty lumped it into my annual income and divided by 12 to get a monthly income and monthly CS payment. But I won't be able to pay that much each month because I get the bonus all at one, not monthly. What should I be asking/telling my atty? We should figure monthly CS on monthly income, with the variable bonus amount to equal the same % of income, but payable when I actually get it?
This one is confusing me, but that seems to be the right approach.
I read your post on another thread about HRT and I believe that hormonal issues are also a contributing factor in my sitch. My W is premenopausal, severe acne, night sweats, hair on face, irregular and heavier cycles. I tried to talk to her about it and she says she has half of the symptoms, but refuses to believe that this can be having any impact on her feelings towards me.
She has done a little research on her own and says she will not do HRT because of the risks involved anyway. I'm ok with that, but how do I get her to at least get tested as you suggested? Maybe I am wrong and she is fine and maybe it is just me that is the problem, but wouldn't it be better to know one way or the other?
Both her mother and her sister had/have severe menopausal symptoms and her sister is on AD meds also.
On the advice of a friend, I was going to contact W's gyno about the situation, so I wrote her a letter. W snooped on my computer, found the letter and went ballistic, saying I damn well better not send the letter or contact her personal physician. This was before she filed for D, so I acquiesed to her demand in order to try to keep her happy. Maybe I should send the letter anyway?
The advice says not to be asking for outside help anymore, but I don't know how else to get her to consider this.
Drop it. Your wife doesn't want you to fix her. Her problems are her problems unless she wants your help. Focus on what you control.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Why do I keep forgetting that. DO NOT TRY TO FIX WIFE!
Yeah, you have to let go of those kind of thoughts entirely. Even if your M doesn't make it, you guys have kids together, so there's a high liklihood that there's going to be some co-parenting if nothing else that has to happen, and the sooner you let your W/STBXW start solving her own problems without trying to fix them for her, the better.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
