Scwred up and need advice

[CPCajun]

Just say what needs to be said and leave (I would go get a extra lock for the apt.)

Let her be mad. You must be under control. You go into this with no expectations but prepared for any response. This isn't time for a dialouge.

Time for Jean-Marie to get some BGPs.

Cheers

ps Don't end up on "Cops."

Ok, my big question. What happens if she does't move out? What do I do? SI allow her to stay on the couch? I know this is pending on what L says.

For some reason, I just want to confront her...I am ready.

on a side note...

We did speak for a good while tonight. Her mood has change again, I assume OM may not be available for chatting. She states that she want me to give her a kiss not and hold her hand. I could see her look to the right and down alot, trying to not look at me directly...If I remember correctly from Psych class, she is visualizing...I asked what she was thinking, but she said nothing. So I think this is guilt?

I did give her a small kiss and told her good night.

[par4me]

I am praying for you man. That is all the support I can offer you. Please quit hurting. I am sorry. I just said a pray for you. Please let this burden get off your heart.

[CPCajun]

I am praying for you man. That is all the support I can offer you. Please quit hurting. I am sorry. I just said a pray for you. Please let this burden get off your heart.

Thanks...There is nothing to be sorry about though. I hope the hurt ends soon too, thanks for the prayer.

Just say what needs to be said and leave (I would go get a extra lock for the apt.)

Let her be mad. You must be under control. You go into this with no expectations but prepared for any response. This isn't time for a dialouge.

Time for Jean-Marie to get some BGPs.

Cheers

ps Don't end up on "Cops."

Ok, my big question. What happens if she does't move out? What do I do? SI allow her to stay on the couch? I know this is pending on what L says.

For some reason, I just want to confront her...I am ready.

on a side note...

We did speak for a good while tonight. Her mood has change again, I assume OM may not be available for chatting. She states that she want me to give her a kiss not and hold her hand. I could see her look to the right and down alot, trying to not look at me directly...If I remember correctly from Psych class, she is visualizing...I asked what she was thinking, but she said nothing. So I think this is guilt?

I did give her a small kiss and told her good night.

GAME TIME

I checked the call logs online. Sure enough, as soon as I left she started texting OM. I am going to bust the A tonight. I cannot take the hurt. I dont care if the law gets involved, I don't care if she leaves to the apartment or the couch. I have to get this off my chest. I want to do whats right.

I plan on leaving work, moving what little savings is in the joint account into mine. I will call ATT and put a hold on the account. Let my parents know, to be on phone standby just incase the law gets involved. Then go drop the bomb.

After all is said, I will leave for a bit. I will come back and agree with her,but wont let her tell me how I feel and will not get baited into a fight. Cool, calm collective..... Her anger is good!


1)Do I set the transparency plans up when I get back or would I hold off for the night?
2) Is it at any time ok to say I love her? After the speach right before I leave, when I come back and she wants to talk and know what I feel?
3) Should I contact her mom and let her know.
"Your daughter, my wife is committing adultry with another man. She is destroying our marriage and I have proof. I will take the appropriate measures to protect my self and my famile. I am not doing this out of revenge. Please trust me, It will be getting rough. I ask that you do not take sides during this time and support our marriage not infidelity. (got it on another Puppy Post )

[Puppy Dog Tails]

GAME TIME

I checked the call logs online. Sure enough, as soon as I left she started texting OM. I am going to bust the A tonight. I cannot take the hurt. I dont care if the law gets involved, I don't care if she leaves to the apartment or the couch. I have to get this off my chest. I want to do whats right.

I plan on leaving work, moving what little savings is in the joint account into mine. I will call ATT and put a hold on the account. Let my parents know, to be on phone standby just incase the law gets involved. Then go drop the bomb.

After all is said, I will leave for a bit. I will come back and agree with her,but wont let her tell me how I feel and will not get baited into a fight. Cool, calm collective..... Her anger is good!


1)Do I set the transparency plans up when I get back or would I hold off for the night?
2) Is it at any time ok to say I love her? After the speach right before I leave, when I come back and she wants to talk and know what I feel?
3) Should I contact her mom and let her know.
"Your daughter, my wife is committing adultry with another man. She is destroying our marriage and I have proof. I will take the appropriate measures to protect my self and my famile. I am not doing this out of revenge. Please trust me, It will be getting rough. I ask that you do not take sides during this time and support our marriage not infidelity. (got it on another Puppy Post ) [/quote]

OK, NOW it sounds like you're ready. That's a plan.

- Yes, expose to her mom immediately before confronting your wife. I used to believe in doing this in the opposite order, but Allen makes a good point about warning the in-laws that their daughter will likely LIE to them, that you have PROOF (but don't want to pain them with seeing/hearing it, unless they want to), and that you're terribly sorry, still love their daughter very much, and do NOT want a divorce but you cannot continue to endure this kind of disrespect in your own home. Anyway, if you do that FIRST, and then she does lie to her mother (and she will), you will have gained credibility with MIL as someone who is honest, and your daughter will have LOST credibility, which is good for what lies ahead.

NO, you are not in a position to ask for transparency yet. This can only be done effectively if and when she comes to you, genuinely contrite, and does the "I'll do anything!" wail. You're not there yet.

YES, you can tell her that you love her -- ONCE. "I love you, and I don't want a divorce, but I've decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair, and I'm certainly no longer willing to put up with this kind of crap behavior and disrespect in my own home." etc.

GOOD MOVE on the moving/firewalling of funds.

Have your phone with you in case she goes nuts, you can record her (if your phone doesn't have this feature, have a voice recorder nearby), and if she goes REAL nuts, you can call the cops. Seriously.

If you have any anti-anxiety meds, it'd be good to take one before the confrontation, if you feel you need to (I did). Do NOT drink, tho -- you need to be on your "A" game.

Keep us posted.

Puppy

[CPCajun]

OK, NOW it sounds like you're ready. That's a plan.

- Yes, expose to her mom immediately before confronting your wife. I used to believe in doing this in the opposite order, but Allen makes a good point about warning the in-laws that their daughter will likely LIE to them, that you have PROOF (but don't want to pain them with seeing/hearing it, unless they want to), and that you're terribly sorry, still love their daughter very much, and do NOT want a divorce but you cannot continue to endure this kind of disrespect in your own home. Anyway, if you do that FIRST, and then she does lie to her mother (and she will), you will have gained credibility with MIL as someone who is honest, and your daughter will have LOST credibility, which is good for what lies ahead.

NO, you are not in a position to ask for transparency yet. This can only be done effectively if and when she comes to you, genuinely contrite, and does the "I'll do anything!" wail. You're not there yet.

YES, you can tell her that you love her -- ONCE. "I love you, and I don't want a divorce, but I've decided that I'm no longer willing to lie to cover up your affair, and I'm certainly no longer willing to put up with this kind of crap behavior and disrespect in my own home." etc.

GOOD MOVE on the moving/firewalling of funds.

Have your phone with you in case she goes nuts, you can record her (if your phone doesn't have this feature, have a voice recorder nearby), and if she goes REAL nuts, you can call the cops. Seriously.

If you have any anti-anxiety meds, it'd be good to take one before the confrontation, if you feel you need to (I did). Do NOT drink, tho -- you need to be on your "A" game.

Keep us posted.

Puppy

How'd you know about my meds. LOL...Yes I will have to pop one. Tell you the truth, I hurt so much, I dont even want a drink anymore. And thank God I havn't reverted back to smoking(6years free).

I gotcha on the inlaw part. This will be tricky, as my MIL and I do not talk at all. So for her to answer the phone and converse will be a task. Especially the last time I did talk to her was back in my physical abuse days and said things that should of never been said. ...

(I already promised the kids, I'd fly her down for Christmas this year , as they havn't seen her in 3-4 years. She lives in Canada, where I originally met W. ..Damn Cannucks LMAO..)



I can do this. I already feel a bit relieved that this is moving forward.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Is MIL local? This would be better if you could do it in person.

OWN the previous stuff at the outset of the call. Use the word "respect" liberally -- "Out of respect for you, I wanted to give you a heads up, and let you know that I'm about to do something very painful, but I feel it needs to be done . . ." "Even though we've had our differences, I've always respected you, and I respect your position as the mother of my wife, and so what I'm about to tell you is very painful for me . . ."

etc.

Do not say ANYTHING that you don't want to get back to your wife.

Because assume it WILL.

Puppy

[CPCajun]

"Even though we've had our differences, I've always respected you, and I respect your position as the mother of my wife, and so what I'm about to tell you is very painful for me .

Your daughter, my wife is committing adultry with another man. She is destroying our marriage and I have proof. I will take the appropriate measures to protect my self and my famile. I am not doing this out of revenge. Please trust me, It will be getting rough. I ask that you do not take sides during this time and support our marriage not infidelity."


No MIL is in Canada and is not local. I met W up in Canada. She moved down to the hot and humid LA. I had promised the kids before all this happened I'd fly her down for Christmas. I know it will be painful and warkward now, but I made a promise and will keep it.

I'll have to be quick after the call. I am sure MIL is going to call W immediately afterwards. I do not want her to give W the bomb.

I know one or the other will call. When I talk to MIL, I will say the above, maybe answer a question or two , but will not give out specifics or how I know. I leave that up to W and MIL.

[Coach]

Listen closely to Puppy, you need to be mentally sharp when you do this.

What you are doing is very loving and honest to do for yourself, your wife and your family. This is no way for any of you to live.

Strength and Honor
Coach

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I'll have to be quick after the call. I am sure MIL is going to call W immediately afterwards. I do not want her to give W the bomb.

Yeah, I thought of that, and that IS the downside of doing it in this order. I would ask your MIL: "Out of respect for (your wife's first name), I think she deserves to hear this from me first, so I'd ask that you not call her when I leave. I'm sure she'll call you right after I talk to her. Okay??"

She may not give you that, or may agree and then not DO that, but it really doesn't matter. Your wife is just as likely to lie and spin to you with the heads-up or without it.

Puppy

[CPCajun]

I'll have to be quick after the call. I am sure MIL is going to call W immediately afterwards. I do not want her to give W the bomb.

Yeah, I thought of that, and that IS the downside of doing it in this order. I would ask your MIL: "Out of respect for (your wife's first name), I think she deserves to hear this from me first, so I'd ask that you not call her when I leave. I'm sure she'll call you right after I talk to her. Okay??"

She may not give you that, or may agree and then not DO that, but it really doesn't matter. Your wife is just as likely to lie and spin to you with the heads-up or without it.

Puppy

Theory.....W has already told my daughter what is going on. She may also of told her mom(mum for the Cannucks)too. MIL may not care as she already knows.