New here, not sure where to start

[ltaylor]

Snodderly, I did watch that movie and it was fantastic. I loved it. Actually my H and I watched it together! So replay is it..hmmmmm..wonder how long that will last. I was thinking about that OP withdrawl thing and I think that he was going thru that after he broke it off with her first part of April. But then she contacted him via text and they have been in contact ever since. So she interrrupted the withdrawal and he'll have to go thru it all over again if he ever ends the contact. I suppose it's too much to wish for that the A just peters out and goes away. I keep hoping she'll get hit by a bus or something. Ha!

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"Little Bo-Peep" doesn't work. You know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them." Every month the affair is allowed to continue, there is a great financial, emotional and even medical risk upon the family.

"Wishing" isn't much of a plan, IMHO.

Puppy

[Truegritter]

I agree with Puppy.

As long as your H is in contact with OW...

There is no M to work on.

However here is the point at which I think you will find that some of the advice may differ here on the MLC

IF your H is MLC, and no one here is going to tell you that,

THEN the method of how you handle busting the A can be different.

The difference is only in how you approach the MLCer.

If you accept that MLC has at its core an element of irrationality to say the least

Then confronting that person can have really disastrous effects.

That being said.

YOU should take care of you because whether he is MLC or just plain vanilla walk away husband...

You cannot control anything but YOU.

So GAL, detach and use the time for Taylor.

Act as if he isn't coming back because nobody on here can say with any certainty whatsoever whether your M can be saved.

Also a caution here.

Your expectations should be zero.

If you are doing all this stuff thinking your getting H back then it will hurt you.

Do it for YOU.

All of this stuff we tell you, GAL and detaching are tools for YOU.

Make changes for YOU.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

If you accept that MLC has at its core an element of irrationality to say the least

Then confronting that person can have really disastrous effects.

What, and WAS and reckless affairs are rational??

Puppy

[Truegritter]

What, and WAS and reckless affairs are rational??

Touche my friend!

[Mach1]

What, and WAS and reckless affairs are rational??

Puppy

Absolutely....



ANY conscious decision made, whether or not it IS rational...

Is rational to the person making the decision...

Just as rational as standing became to us.


All comes down to the definition of rational, to the person making the decision.

[ericmsant2]

ITaylor,

Eric, isn't there any way to help him "detach" from her? and re-attach to me?

So let me answer your question with questions…
1) Can you control someone else?
2) What attracted your H to you and vice versa to begin with?

He has told me that he doesn't want to hurt me. But he has..

Believe it or not he probably does not want to hurt – at least not intentionally. You may see him detach even more from you. Become really distant. IMO – they do this because they do not want to give you a false sense of hope. Read the MLC reference material – it really will help you understand what he is going thru.

I also know that his pride stands in the way of saying he's sorry.

Sorry if this hurt you…..BUT…How do you know what is going on in HIS head? Really you need to stop this. The more you do this the more you focus on HIM. Right now, you want to FOCUS on YOU. I can not stress this enough. You asked me how he can re-attach to you. The answer is really simple…YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY. YOU NEED TO BE WHOLE…YOU NEED TO WORK ON YOURSELF. Let me ask you another way….what is more attractive to you…. A man standing around crying , moping, looking depressed or a man with sexy smile, a glow about him, a sense of confidence? Which one is it? I bet your gonna say the man with the sexy smile. SO ITaylor…which one do you want to be (as a women)?

I associate detach with ignoring them..but that probably isn't it, is it?

OMG….I remember feeling this way…most of do. Detachment is not some art form here – sorry to say. IMO it kinda of just happens. You do need to work on it and you work on it by taking the focus OFF of HIM and putting it on YOU. It happens when you GAL…when you begin to LIVE YOUR LIFE…a life my friend, that you can define.

The problem for me is that I don't really understand how to detach without letting the whole thing go..which would mean divorce

Yeah…we all feel that way when we first get here so really as hard as it is to wrap your head around this..give yourself a break. Now…you do not need to let the whole thing go. This does not have to mean divorce. What do YOU want to DO? That is the question you really need to answer. If you want a D – go ahead…trust me when I tell you that threatening him will not help. You know what will…. DETACHMENT….let him go and figure this shiznit out.

tried doing the 180s.

Your doing them for the WRONG reasons….if you were doing 180’s for YOU…because YOU wanted to make changes for YOU…well then it really would not matter what HE thinks..cause the changes are for YOU. Changing for HIM (and we all have done it) is a subtle form of manipulation.

One of the things about detaching is recognizing that you CANNOT control another.

Please read what true posted above ^^^^^^ a 100 times…then re-read it.

Keep your head up…you really can do this…and if…just if…you really open yourself up to the change that I can see, then you will one day look at this in a very different way..you will look at this as a blessing. Hard to imagine that right now…but it is true..this whole shiznit may just be a blessing in disquise. Now please go GAL…tell us what your first GAL activity is.

God Bless,
Eric

[ltaylor]

Mach, Grit, Puppy, Eric;

What is the real difference between a H in MLC and a vanilla WAH? I would expect that the ways to deal with each are much different from the other.

Last night we sat up and had a couple of glasses of wine. I don't drink much and neither does he, so we got a little tipsy. We started talking about MLC. He was curious about it and I told him what I had found out thru reading and research (didn't mention this forum..Aak!!). Mentioned how surprised I was that it was so prevalent and how there are so many similarities between people going thru it. He says he thinks he's doing pretty well compared to some..didn't move in with her, is here living with me, didn't blow a bunch of money, kept his job. I told him that we would not be able to move forward in our marriage as long as he is in contact with OP. He said he has finally figured that out and that it is on it's way to petering out. Now, he has told me this before. But he did say he hasn't seen her in person, hasn't had sex with her but considers her a good friend and cares about her. I said "do you care about me?" and he said yes, very much, that he bends over backwards not to hurt me. I said that he is hurting me tho, by continuing to have a relationship with her. He said that he knows it isn't healthy to keep talking to her..for her, for me and for him. he said he is slowing coming to that realization. He said he just needs time to figure this all out. I told him that I was going to stand by my man and give him all the time he needs.

I know you are all thinking..gees, she just isn't listening to us about the detach thing, is she? But since I know my husband better than anyone else in the world, I'm trying to do what I think will help us stay together and make sense to him. For me, that has become: a short 15-45 minute conversation about how things are right now between us and then drop it, let us both digest what was said and back off. If I do this every 2-3 weeks, it doesn't seem to freak him out and still I get to say some of the things I have been feeling and learning. Plus, I usually get a pretty good sense of where he is at with the A, with his MLC, me, etc. But as you all know, people in MLC are so back and forth, it's not always relevant, or may be accurate that minute..but not the next.

He told me I look fantastic this morning before he went to work. I said thanks, and told him he looked pretty good himself. I also told him he was my favorite person in the whole world.

I don't know..glimmers of hope and they're probably just that..glimmers. But he seems to respond better to kind loving words than blowing him off. Which is what I feel like I'm doing when I take off and leave him here by himself. His LL is Words of Affirmation..mine is Gifts.

He is here all week this week, he usually is gone T-Th. It's nice to have him home, sitting in his chair next to mine, cracking jokes. But I am starting to move forward in my own way. I'm feeling more confident, happier, I look so much better, and am checking into classes, jobs, etc. So, in my own way, I guess I am detaching. I'll get better at it as it evolves and I learn more about it. So, please don't give up on me..I am trying to "get it".

[ericmsant2]

Itaylor

So, please don't give up on me..I am trying to "get it".

I for one will never give up on you. Just remember NOT to give up on YOURSELF. Regardless of what happens..regarless of what you see, hear and feel. If nothing else - remember YOu matter.

In terms of your proposed approach...give me a sec to formulate my response. Just remember the old saying around here. If it "stings" it must have some truth to it.

Eric

[Mach1]

For me....

The difference is the confusion that each shows...

Most times, when a person is done....they are done..

MLC is not recognized by MANY professionals.

Mainly because they are no "cookie cutter" symptoms to diagnose.

Each is as individual as the person going through them.

Mass amounts of confusion surround them daily.

My view is that MLC is an attack of the inner core( or character) of the person involved. The personality remains fairly intact.

This is an internal struggle to make the simplest of decisions difficult.

And with that comes them lashing out at the person that is the closest to them in an emotional capacity.

That is why it is important to distance yourself away from HIS craziness ...

And THAT...is for you....