Hey K I'm not sure I know what to say anymore sweets. It seems you are constantly testing him, to breaking point almost. Not deliberately, but you cant help yourself. And who could blame you after all that happened and unfortunately, all that you read and saw. Like FG said, what was it about your character he wasnt happy with? I said before, he doesnt always express himself openly, so when he does, even if its during an argument, maybe you should listen?? As afterall, not listening leads to bombs... (yes and that goes for him too!).
I remember 2005-2006 and my friends urging me to get a grip and stop behaving like x, y, z, but I said I couldnt, I was like a speeding train, like I had to behave that way, I had no choice, couldnt help it.
But thats not true and looking back, I regret the way I behaved and the things I 'let' happen. I should have looked at the bigger picture and did what was best for the rest of my life, not that short 1-2 year time period. But I wouldnt listen to well meaning advice. Can you look at the bigger picture, longer view?
xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Forrest, he said "your character is horrible". In general. Because I got really upset when he told my D that he couldnt take any more control from her when she siid something like "dad is in the bathroom, on the PC or on the phone when we are home". And although that is not 100% correct, he snapped at her and she immediately backpeddaled, as she always does when she is scared she is pushing him away. So I snapped and said something like "control? WE control you? How dare you say something like that, we are living by YOUR schedule, time etc and WE control you?"... And then, one thing led to the other...
We dont have NBC's show.
Kat, fb2, I wrote him on the note I sent him the flowers on his Bday "I love you, still, always..."... Which is true. I do try to be compassionate, caring, loving, boost his ego etc. But I see that when I do it a lot, he sits back and enjoys. It's an old pattern.
Ali, I will talk to him one of these days. Maybe even tonight. He needs to asnwer to me why he cant reassure me, why his compliments are rare, why cant he say he loves me... Maybe I will tell him what I miss mostly. K
I like the idea of putting in terms of what you miss or what you need instead of what he isn't doing because it is less attacking. If you say you need to hear him say "i love you" or "I miss when you..." it is a lot better then "why don't you" or "why haven't you". More conversation starting instead of closing. Also be completely open in letting him know that in order to get over this bump you need him to do a lot for a while to help you heal and close old wounds. He should understand that, and will hopefully respond accordingly.
Me29 S3 H left 4/1/09 I file 8/2/10 Divorce final 5/17/11 1st http://www.tinyurl.com/25lhu52 2nd http://www.tinyurl.com/2c35ueg 3rd http://www.tinyurl.com/322yk89
You've hit on a good turning point. Looks like you can make a breakthru' from here by improving the communication; at least be smart at doing YOUR part (that's what I like about you most).
Remember you can tell him calmly that you feel/want/think X,Y,Z but its up to him after that; you can't really control or enforce or expedite the outcome. (Easier in theory but takes a lot of practise and self-control esp. with all the established patterns and PTSD going on. I know his being on the PC is shutting off the rest of the family; he's so near yet so far away and he should know how you feel about that in a manner that has a good chance of being effective. I suggest you also be careful that your D is not mimicking what or how you communicate with him; he may have triggered his snapping at her for this reason. And snapping back like you did would probably just result in him getting defensive or feeling further attacked or "controlled". Looks like he really understands what "character" is so he may not have meant what he said).
Kalni, sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to just be present. To be fully in the now, only experiencing what's happening at that moment. The more that you can do that, IMO the more you'll find clarity. Let the past and future fall away...even if it's only 30 seconds at a time.
(((hugs)))
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
This is going to sound wierd, but when I think of your sitch and the trauma that you have suffered, I think of major disasters, or war torn regions.. people who have seen their whole village torched by neighbours, or their family bombed, or relatives murdered, or their houses destroyed in earthquakes etc etc.. and in those very extreme circumstances, how do they go on? How do they cope, find happiness again, have a life? What choice do they have, but to look forwards and not backwards? We humans can overcome terrible suffering, but you have to have hope, hope keeps us going on and to just live in the now and be grateful for what you have, not what you have lost. Allow yourself moments to grieve, but allow yourself to be happy too.
Your husbands issues of work and avoidance though are HIS issues, which sadly do affect you and the kids.
xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
So often time it happens, we all live our life in chains, and we never even know we have the key. ~The Eagles, "Already Gone"
I have been urging Maria for a while to seek some help ... well urging may be a tad strong. Personally what I have taken from all of this DB stuff, my sitch and that of others here is that to seek happiness by changing anything but my own disposition is a waste of effort. I think we can alter our lives by altering our attitude.
Although I understand your point Ali, to compare what Maria and the rest of us have gone through and the subsequent trauma to trauma associated with major disasters is exagerated. Anyhow, I hope the future does not hold any more MAJOR disasters for us.
