Spouse Suffering From Depression

[awest1217]

I am so sorry again and there isn't much to say. I completely understand where you are. At least your H didn't say, but we are "just friends" and we should all hang out. That is what happened with OW1 and the OW now. Show me how messed up my H is and how he will never change.

They don't understand what they have done is wrong. They have no moral compass. When you are ready, the point is to just move forward. Be kind to H when it comes to S, but otherwise just leave him alone. No texts at all.

Now take time for yourself and at some point you will find someone who will treat you with respect and that will be a pleasant relief.

Stay strong and stay busy because that is what will help you get through this.

[Lucky11too]

I'm having a hard time today. It's hard too when no one understands around you what you are going thru. That's a great thing about coming to these boards b/c you all know exactly what this feels like. People keep trying to tell me that I shouldn't be sad b/c he's such a jerk for doing this AGAIN to me. I feel the anger but there is just so much hurt too. So many questions, in particular, why? DB talks about identifying why the affair happened in the first place and this time, I just don't get it. I've come such a long way for myself but in a sense for H too, b/c i fixed his complaints he had about me before. What else does he want from me?

I'm glad in some ways that H didn't deny it or try to claim the "just friends" thing again, but the fact that he didn't deny it yet still showed no remorse is so unsettling as well. Like you said, no moral compass. I was sitting back today thinking about all the things that have happened over our years together, it should have been my clue that it was destined to lead up to this. From the very beginning when we 1st met, H had a serious live in g/f, but was completely trying to get with me (it is just different with you he would tell me). I held off until I eventually broke things off with my b/f at the time. It was the same story of how he got with that g/f, cheated on the previous one until she finally found out and broke up w/ him (after much damage to his car mind you - never a good idea to cheat on crazy g/f's!). I was always a little concerned about that but he would tell me how it's different when you're married especially with kids, b/c that means complete commitment. Gag me now. I know you mentioned on your post too Awest, and I'm feeling the same thing, am I just the idiot to have been blinded by love & married this jerk in the first place? Uggg.

But anyways, as much as I replay our discussion and all his arguments about how this is all my fault and I'm pushing him away by confronting him like that, I just have to keep reminding myself that it was his choice to have this unappropriate R with OW3, and I wouldn't have had to confront him and "push him away" if he hadn't made that decision in the first place. Really, I don't get his thinking - how can this be all my fault again?

It's hard b/c right now S is my saving grace but also my biggest weakness. He makes me smile but then he'll walk in my room like he did tonight and ask for "dad", and I just breakdown. It's just not fair to him. I just want to text H and tell him what S has been doing and tell him to get over himself and come be a family with us. Of course I won't, but it's just so frustrating. I would give up everything for S (and in manys ways I have) and he can't even sacrifice some other woman and his party lifestyle for us? Arrr, I just don't want to lose S to him - period!

So last thing to note, I am definitely maintaining no contact with him right now, but will respond "if" he asks about S. I've just learned I'm no longer the go-to person now for the "how is S" question tho. We were at my in-laws super late tonight and H called to ask MIL about S. So point being, I don't expect to hear from him anytime soon. It's hard though to go from so much contact to nothing. It's very lonely. Along those lines, although it's his b-day on Thursday, at this point, I don't think I should even text him a "happy b-day" text, right? I told him during our discussion that I had a present for him that I couldn't return that I would just leave at his mom's for him. I'm thinking it would be best to leave it at that. Sad tho - this will be the 1st b-day in 9 years when I haven't baked him a cake. The very 1st cake I made for him 9 years ago, brought tears to his eyes b/c he couldn't believe someone would do that for him. Wow, how times have changed. Also, I have not checked the phone records. Yes, I'm curious, but I probably have a pretty good guess about what I'm gong to see, and at this point it doesn't matter, and confirming that is only going to bring more hurt to me. Arrr, I just hate H so much for doing this to me!

I know someday I'll be happy again and maybe even find someone who makes me happy, but in the meantime, this sure is a hard point to get thru. I know it's only the 2nd day, but I don't see the light at the end yet. Unfortuantely too, I'm losing lots of weight (already very skinny!) b/c when I feel emotional and stressed, I get completely naseous and can't eat, so now I'm going on 6 days, w/o eating much (since Thursday when I found out). Trust me, I'm trying, but it's just hard. Work has been a good distraction, but it's been hard at nights, when the house is quiet and lonely. In some ways, I'm glad my parents aren't here b/c I don't have to put up the front that I'm ok when I'm not (b/c they worry about me so much), but I miss their support.

Sorry, alot of rambling tonight, but I'm just trying to gather all my thoughts. I think I'm just going to go to bed and hope for a better tomorrow. Everyday is another day, right!

[awest1217]

It is funny because although you have been separated longer than H and I, you are where I was last summer. I was sickly skinny from being so stressed and it didn't really show until October or November because it takes a while to lose the weight, but I didn't eat most of last summer. I was so sad, hurt, and depressed that nothing sounded good.

I completely understand what you are going through and it does get easier. It hurts to think that he would choose someone else, but at some point you realize that he isn't worth it. I don't know still what I am going to do, but I know that I will be ok no matter what and almost think staying apart is the best...although I still feel divorce will ruin our repor with each other and hurt everything including S more, but if I ever want to completely move on it is what I have to do.

You never know what will happen. Soon S will be going to preschool and then MIL won't have as much contact with S so H will have to talk to you about S and not her. With the birthday, it is a hard one, and I almost didn't do anything this year and probably shouldn't have because H didn't care and just wanted to get out of here to see OW, but I did what I thought was right.

Just keep taking it one day at a time and soon the pain will fade just like when you hurt a body part. With time, things do heal on their own.

[Lucky11too]

If only the heart could be as smart as the brain. Mentally I know this, but my heart still wants him. Stupid heart – why would I want someone who would treat me like that? The heart will catch up soon I’m sure, and I’ll be ready to move on and finding the joy in life again. I guess as much as I tried to prepared myself for this, part of me always believed he would chose me, which is obviously what is setting me back so far. I think I will get better as the week goes on, and of course will have my ups and downs as time goes on, but I’ll get there eventually.

For his b-day, I think I will just drop off the present at his mom's like I said I would, but that is it. No card, no cake, no text. At least this way, I can still acknowledge it without having to come off as too mushy or too pursuing (and, it's too late to return his gift anyways). Funny enough, H told me during our talk to not come down and try to surprise him at work or leave little gifts in his car. What world is he in? Don't worry, I won't! If everything else wasn't so horrible, it would almost be humorous!

Thanks Awest for all your words and support. It sure has been a tough week, but your support has made it a little easier!

[Lucky11too]

So interesting day, despite my thought that I would never hear from H again, I actually did. This afternoon he text to ask about S (although the way he asked sounded a little loaded to me "How has everything been with S since you have been alone"), See the last part seems like a loaded question. I tried just to be pleasant but short and told him. Then I threw in there (don't know yet if it was good or bad) that he should make sure to go see S b/c he has been asking about him. His responses was "at work". I then remembered that their was a big World Cup game and remarked that they must have been busy. (I kicked myself for that after I sent that b/c I didn't want any communication with him besides regarding S.) He responded that the shift was just stupid. I stopped myself there and no more need for a response. A few hours later, we had a pretty good sized earthquake (again!) and being on the 4th floor at work caused us to sway pretty good. Always a little scary. I was about to text H to ask if he was ok, but stopped. Not my problem. About an hour after that, H finally texted me to see if I was ok, which I responded. Finally, just right now I get a picture text from H. He got another tattoo!!!! Yeah, crazy, huh? I am not a tattoo fan at all but surprisingly this one looks pretty good, but still, yuck! He told me a little bit a bout it and I repsonded, but now that's done.

So my problem is, what is the correct tenchinque here. I obviuosly have not iniatiated any contact as planned, but how much do I respond to him? Obviously, if it's about S, I will. But somtimes things transition from S or even come out of the blue like the tattoo text, and then what do you do. I'm not sure what he's up to. Is this his way of controlling me still, like your H Awest, who wanted to the control, but not the committment? Or just trying to wiggle his way back into my life without addressing these huge issues? I don't know, but it still doesn't look good.

So now I don't know what to do about tomorrow again. I said no "happy b-day text" since we had had zero contact, and I was not going to be the first, but now is that something I should consider? Hmmm....

Arrgg, everything is a mind game. I just hope I'm smarter than him!

[awest1217]

It is really all about what you think is best for you and your R. If you want to make sure H understands that he can't have OW3 and you, I would say don't send anything and if he does talk to you about other topics to not respond. He may say something about how you won't talk to him, and you then can say that you are setting a boundary that you don't want to talk to him (except about H) unless he is going to respect you and stop talking to OW3, or something better put.

However if you still feel that you want to keep trying and want to continue to show him you are the better choice, you can send the text, but remember...you are setting a presidence and will want to make sure that you don't make him think he can have you and OW3.

What I would do, if you can send video, is video S saying Happy birthday to daddy and send that. It shows H that you remembered, but it still keeps it in terms of S and that you want to keep things calm between each other because of S.

Just do whatever you think is best because so far you are doing well.

[Lucky11too]

Adding on to the tattoo conversation after I posted, it continued. We texted for a few mins about his and then I half jokingly talked about me getting one and what/where. His response “mmm…We’ll look for a good spot” (totally flirty, right) Uh, I don’t think so! That annoyed me, so I was done with the conversation and didn’t respond. A ½ hour later another text “bad idea?” Uh yeah, you think, given that we are not together and he’s made no direction to get back together. I played it coy and just responded “I don’t know yet”. Then I was wrapping his present and I realized I wrapped it upside down, so I texted him to tell him to make sure to open it from the bottom. He jokes back about there being a bomb in there. Then (against my better judgment) I said I was going to bed and happy early birthday. But no response back. I am disappointed in myself now. There was obviously way too much communication going on yesterday. He didn’t choose me so he doesn’t get the pleasure of talking to me! I’m going to try to do better to just keep any contact about S only. It’s hard, when you’re used to continuous communication, but this was his choice!!!

So yeah, I going to try to avoid him today and no contact b/c I don’t want to suffer the wrath from his b-day day blues (I can hear now – “thanks for making my birthday so crappy” or something like that). I left the present at his mom’s like I said I would, and if he wants it, he can have it. So well see how it all goes. I’m feeling much better overall today, but I just need to remember to stay strong and set some boundaries. Enough is enough!

[Lucky11too]

A very rollercoaster of a day for me. I was really feeling good all day at work - feeling like I was on top of it all and could handle what ever came my way. If H didn't want me in his life - fine, no problem, I'd be fine. I even ate a decent sized lunch today (finally!) Then tonight I crashed. I was trying to cook dinner and I was almost crying uncontrolably. S was so sweet tho, although he doesn't really get it yet, I was chopping ham and he comes up and feeds me a piece. It was just cute. I think I was just tired and hungry from a long day, so after dinner me and S had a good evening playing and laughing together. I think what knocked me down too is when I went to pick up S, of course H wasn't there (which I was glad b/c I didn't want to face him anyways) but it reminded me how earlier in the week he had for once choose us b/c he wanted to hang out with us for his b-day (instead of going out with his drinkng buddies). It had seemed like such progess which in a way it was for him, if only he had learned to make boundaries with other women. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but I still am. When I found out about the OW1 and OW2, I forgave him, and in return, only asked for one thing - that he be open and honest with me. Really, is it that hard? Ugg. Also, MIL said H was all upset and grouchy today b/c instead he wanted an afternoon bbq (which would of course exclude me) with S, newphew, and FIL, but got all upset b/c FIL had to work and couldn't. I don't even know what he's doing tonight, but I guess it realy doesn't matter.

In other news, of course I dropped off the present at his mom's this morning. It was a hat he had seen someone wear on a tv show. He had looked for it online but couldn't find it. I spent a good week looking for it and finally found it (I was very proud of myself), but hence why I couldn't return it either. He texted me when he opened it to say thank you. He later asked if it was hard to find and I said yes and asked him if it was the one from tv (I hadn't actually seen it - he had just told me about it). His response "It was the exact one I wanted! =)" As much as I want to just talk to him and keep the conversation going, I'm tryng to keep it very limited, so I just responded "Perfect". And that was the end of our communication today.

I am trying to keep dark (or dim) as much as possible and have still not intiated any contact, although I do need to work on not over-responding. Either H will see that he can or can't live without me in his life, and if he finds he can, then I need to already be on my own track of living life for me (and S of course). It's still hard tho. Much easier to say than do.

This weekend, I just want to get out of the house, so I have passes to the local acquarium that I have yet to use, so I was thinking about going there Saturday morning. I had gotten these passes for me and H (you have to select the names when you buy them), so I don't know if I should even consider giving H his. In one way I thought it would be good to foster the parenting R, but then I was thinking against it b/c everything has just happened so recently, so for me, it might just be best to stay as far away as possible. But on the other hand, I know S would love him there. But given the situation, H might just be a grouch. Ehh, I think that's a no.

Sorry these have been so long. I think getting on here and typing is the only thing that is keeping me sane right now! Bedtime!

[dc329]

Lucky, just wondring as I read your posts and believe me I am not trying to be mean but how much are you willing to put up with it seems to me you have put up with a hell of a lot. Do you have boundries? You are stronger then me becuase I would be so long gone I mean maybe I could forgive once but over and over is just too much hurt for one person to accept.

[awest1217]

It is always good to type. I remember days where I needed to type a lot due to being upset. It is a journal and journaling is always good for the soul. It helps you to see what you are thinking and helps to keep yourself on track.

You are doing great and the emotions will come and go, but it will get better over time. I haven't cried since I told H to leave me alone, but everytime he would come around, I would cry this summer. Now that I have taken control of my life, I feel a lot better.

Every person is different, and you will feel better with time. Just do what is best for you and S. You are doing great and I know you will continue to do great.