Hi guys! NM, by 'facilitate' I mean set it up and be there to welcome WH and be present while he is with the baby. As she is so young, she is better 'seen' at home (say, my folk's house), rather than in a public place like a cafe. Or so I think. You are not harsh at all. I guess things are hostile between us right now, so maybe him not emailing to ask about her is normal? More likely I think it is reflective of the type of father he told me he was going to be -- a long distance one. And I think b/c his dad was gone and never to be seen again, WH probably thinks 2 weeks is nothing to not enquire about a baby! (This is where our past experience really shapes us) So you can understand why I get SOOOOOOOO angry that this is the level of fatherhood he is offering our little baby!!!!! NM, I like your idea of asking him why he didn't ask after her, or her hospital checkups. Why friggin' not.
It is hard, G, and setting boundaries with all the visitors will be important. I already declined to go to an event this week with MIL, BIL, and WH. Perhaps though I should suck it up and brave it to show a strong front and 180s etc?
I already declined to go to an event this week with MIL, BIL, and WH. Perhaps though I should suck it up and brave it to show a strong front and 180s etc?
I had a similar issue myself this week, sort of. The difference is that my WH are 'getting along,' as it were.
But his family and he had the 4th of July at WH's apartment with one of his new friends there. I was invited. I had to decide if I was going to go or not. I cried a bit, told WH I wasn't sure what I was going to do, and then I decided to go. Definitely strong front. And it turned out that it was mixed. It was good to go, I had a lot of support from his family. But I saw WH's new bedroom (new bed, dresser, and mirror) and that has been in my head a few times since then, I admit. It was a bit too much for me to see.
What do you think you'll regret the most, P? Giving it a try? Or being around WH more?
One other thought is I hate it when people around me ask WH about his life. "What are you doing, WH?" I don't even want to hear the answer because I don't want to know. If your in laws are going to be asking your WH questions, it might not be fun to hear the answers! Just want to mention it. . .
Phew! Ok glad you weren't upset, Piano! I just posted during my emotional reaction instead of feeling first and THEN thinking! Need to not do that so much on DB forum!
About facilitating, yep I agree that your house is easier on your bub for visiting with her dad. Mostly because he is a stranger to her still at this point! In my county, they allow overnights starting at 6 months of age!
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
I just really admire the heck out of you for being SO strong during all of this! Glad you have your family nearby. For some reason I had it in my head that he took you to Australia, got you pregnant, then abandonned you on the other other side of the planet as a stranger in a strange country. Glad he wasn't THAT harsh! (Though I'm still ready to relieve him of his man parts for being such a jerk to you!)
I'm still waffling about the picture updates. I can see both sides of the issue:
1. If he doesn't bother to ask about her, he doesn't deserve to know her. 2. Out of sight, out of mind, easier to be completely self-absorbed.
Hmm. Call me vindictive, but I still think I'd send occasional updates showing what mildstones he's missing, like first month, three months, first tooth, first Halloween, first Christmas, first Easter, first year (if he's still out of the picture all that time). Then I'd go dark and not send anything again until he asked.
Controlling? Perhaps. But he DID create a baby, and he needs to be reminded of that. He needs to feel guilty for what he's done to both of you - and that's not just the Catholic school girl in me talking. Walking away from a pregnant wife in unconscionable. Abandonning his innocent child? Lower than low. Men have done jail time for less.
I wouldn't make it so easy for him to walk away from his actions. He may be a horrible father, but a few digs here and there might make him stop and think about how much he's hurt you. Then going dark may make him think he's being replaced.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that. Maybe when he sees her in the next few days, he'll realize just how much he missed both of you and give him second thoughts about running away...
Red, I might keep the photo thing up my sleeve for another time. Right now, WAH will be reminded a LOT about his baby. They spend more time with her than him! G, I think I might avoid the event. I couldn't handle overhearing conversations about WH's new life. I think it was great you went though, because as you say, you are getting along. In writing this post I am reminded WH and I are NOT getting along, sadly (but friggen understandably!). NM, feel free to vent any time on this thread! I cannot believe overnight visits are accepted as young as 6 months in your area. That seems insane to me, but maybe I don't know what I am taking about. When did you stop breastfeeding?
Ok, so spent the evening with MIL last night, and BIL joined us a bit later. Was a good night, all in all, but it's quite obvious that now my stress levels on the rise. This is when I need to stand up and be strong. GOT TO HANDLE IT. After about an hour of letting MIL hold the baby etc, the phone rand and lo and behold it was WH. I was shocked, and he sounded breathy (nervous). We spoke 2 words (Hello/Hello/Who is it?/It's WH/Do you want to speak to your mother?/Yes) before I passed the phone over. Had to go to bathroom and deep breathe for a few mins. Definite panic. Was upset he still gets to me this bad! It was hard to go on talking with MIL with the big elephant in the room , and I became a bit teary and said "I don't ever want to hear H's name again"....and of course we then spent about half an hour talking about the sitch. She claims to have not really talked to him for weeks, to not know the state of the sitch only to say that she gathered things are worse than ever, and that she is shocked that WH could go overseas only 4 or so weeks after baby was born and not enquire after her. I know I wasn't supposed to get into it, but I said I am still extremely shocked and disgusted, especially for the baby's sake, and I just cannot understand the lack of ethics displayed by WH in all of this. She pretty much agreed.
Going over to see her again today with the baby. Just don't want to be doing this every day for weeks on end because so much contact with inlaws, even if they are very supportive and I love them (esp BIL), it hurts, you know?
Hi Piano, I have not read all of your situation but wanted to throw something out there. My brother is divorced and has custody of his two boys. His ex was not a fit mother at all. He allowed her to take the boys every other weekend. We discussed this because I really worried for their safety. His reply was this....they will grow up soon enough and see how she really is but I will not ever be the reason they do not see her. They will stop seeing her one day on their own. I want them to see that I tried my best to help her be a better mother and she failed at that herself. I know my anger and my children were teens. I could not imagine the anger and pain if this had happened when I was pregnant with one of them. I am not trying to make you send pics, just wanting to give you another pov.
M:38 H:42 T:20 M:19 D:18 S:17 MLC: Sometime in 2007 OW Bomb 1: 12/28/07 OW Online relationship 2: Spring 2009 Told him I wanted D: May 10, 2009 D final: 07/09/11
kelly23, tip top advice. I really admire those people on here with kids who have to hand their children over for visitation when there is an OP involved in the stich and don't 'use' the kids to torment their spouse. I should count myself lucky that the OW is not in my face on a daily basis unlike some friends on this forum. My IC counselor said to have NO expectations of him as a father, not LOW expectations. Don't set him up to fail. So, I must set him up to succeed. ARGGGGGGGGGGH I hate this!
Spent the day again with MIL. She's great with bub, and of course I couldn't keep my gob shut about WH and what a rotter he has been, but being a Mediterranean woman I hope she'll take my emotionality in her stride.
Got home and received an email from WH who is back in town. In short, he hears from BIL that the baby is more and more beautiful, asks after her health, and wants to know if she is smiling yet (uh, HELLO!!!). Says he misses her and wants to see her and how can we arrange that? No mention about when he arrived, when he is leaving, what happened back in Europe with jobs, etc (or OW, of course).
Going to email him tomorrow. Will keep it short and sweet. Not sending any photos though. I'd like to ask what his medium to long term plans are now so I know how long he's back here for. If it's for some time, I'd like a visitation schedule put in place, so I'm not hanging about wondering when he'll want to see her. Thinking 2 x per week, 1-2 hours, in my presence or 3rd party (and open to suggestions from him on that 'cos it's not really working out too great anymore for my family to act as go-betweens).
People, I don't like WH one bit. I sometimes wonder what kind of person I am 'fighting' for.
And then I remember, I am fighting for a new and improved ME, not the lousy jerk WH has become.
