You are still giving him power to affect you and make you feel all those things up ^^^^^^^^ there.
OUCH!!
Not for Lola... but, you know, for ME!!
That more than stings, Grit.
Must. Determine. Why.
I was going to post something today about wondering when H will stop doing things to intentionally hurt me.
I guess right ^^there^^ is my answer.
When I stop letting him.
Dayum...you guys are good!
Okay Miss Lola (and forgive my deep seated urge to put a feather in your hair)-- I came here and thought some of the same things about my H that you do about yours.
~That I'd tried so long to help him. To stand by him. To help him. To make things better/easier on him.
~I only wanted what was best for him.
~I loved him soooo much, I couldn't stand to see him hurt.
I could go on, but I don't need to.
In the end I realized that even though I was *helping* him with the best of intentions...I was still controlling him. I was still trying to *fix* him.
And fixing/rescuing/saving--even when done in the name of love-- is still a form of control.
That was a huge shock to the system. I had been so proud of myself that I was taking care of everything & giving H the opportunity to go to school. It took me a while to realize that I was merely positioning him in a place where he'd be so reliant on me that I'd have to save him.
It wasn't altruistic. I was selfish. *I* got something out of it. *I* got something out of being the martyr. And it wasn't love and respect and gratitude from my H. Nosireebob.
I can't blame him... I played a huge part in the demise of my marriage. And it took some time to see that *helping* isn't always helpful.
It really is time to be a little selfish right now. A LOT selfish right now. And I'm going to say it--focus on you. I know you are probably getting tired of hearing it, but we all say it for one reason only...
It is. The. Only. Way.
I swear to you this.
Do not for a moment think that you need to protect him, or help him, or even glance back at him. He got through law school...he will be just fine on his own two little feet.
Turn that pretty little head of yours around & look at the path in front of you. Don't look to see if he is following you. Don't even try to determine if he's contemplating following you. It doesn't matter.
This is all about you.
As for standing for your M, well honey, that is going to be up to you. Only you will know when you've had enough. Only you will know when you have done enough.
But thinking about your M isn't even on the agenda right now.
This is all about Lola.
And her feather in her hair.
formerly known as "shelbel" Me 40, stbxh 40 DSs 9, 7 & 3 M9, T10 Stbxh is a diagnosed bipolar & an addict. The end.
