Geronimo, fwiw, I just went ahead and did it. She wouldn't come get it so it's still all in the basement.
In fact, this past weekend, I reviewed the divorce agreement and what possessions are hers and mine after house sale and put EVERYTHING that is hers in the basement. Made most rooms bare (bigger-looking, the R.E. agent said) and the dining room completely emptied out.
I feel even better than I did after the first round last year of ridding my bedroom, kitchen and most rooms of the majority of her stuff.
Now it's all gone. It is a relief. An unburdening (for me, anyway).
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I want to start putting your things away; for example, the clothes that are in the closet, and a variety of other things still in the house. There's no particular urgency, I just need to do it. Wanted to ask what you prefer - do you want to pack these things up, do you want me to do it, etc. Please let me know.
How about a little re-write:
Hey, I just started burning your things; for example, the clothes from your closet and a variety of other flammable things still in the house. There's no particular urgency...anymore. Wanted to ask if you prefer the ashes in a box or flushed down the toilet. Please let me know.
Hey, I just started burning your things; for example, the clothes from your closet and a variety of other flammable things still in the house. There's no particular urgency...anymore. Wanted to ask if you prefer the ashes in a box or flushed down the toilet. Please let me know.
Just a thought.
Today's Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
When you say you're getting ready to refi the house, is it so you can take out the equity or lower the payments? If it's the former didn't she get half of the equity too?
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Nah, I told her yesterday I wanted to start boxing things up, and she was fine with it.
Again, she offered me dinner last night when I arrived. I know it's apparent I'm struggling when I'm around her. Funny how it swings, she's struggling, or I am. She seems to have pulled it together for the moment.
Anyway. Seems like my mind is staying more peaceful than it was. So that's good.
SR, I got the house, but need to refi to get her name off of the loan. The payments will be lower, I'm not taking out equity.
My mind has been much quieter. If it's that things are final now, or just that I got a break, I feel different. Funny, I'm hearing little things like the fan going, because suddenly I'm less distracted I guess.
Anyway. The boys are going to Cub Scout Day Camp, Thurs-Sat. I dropped them off, and XW picked them up. I started getting phone calls, with her getting angrier and angrier that the volunteers driving them were late. Yep, she had the need to call me (and I was kind of like, oh yeah, I remember how easily angered you are by people). Anyway, she asked if she could have them for longer, then called and invited me over for pizza. Yeah, I went, and it was casual and fun, and I'll say this, she has no problem slapping me on the ass when it suits her. Anyway, we talked about day camp, what the kids would need for each day, how Thursday went for them (sounds like there were some rough moments).
I kind of though about this Friday morning - again, I'm your husband or I'm not, lady - but didn't feel a real urgency to call her or anything (which is good - again, that keyed up feeling in my head is gone).
OK for this next part a little background - XW has always had this wall up about dealing with money somehow - for example, when she was doing taxes for her business the first year we had a CPA, the CPA learned that she couldn't really talk to XW about anything, because she would become so anxious and irritable. So - she complains that she doesn't understand this stuff, it makes her anxious, but she does nothing about learning more about it. So, OK, backstory done.
I've told XW that she needs to call the financial guy to see what needs to be done to transfer investments into her sole possession, and to set up a brokerage account to transfer stock into, as per our settlement agreement. Also, the some money is being taken out of my 401k.
So, she called Friday afternoon and starting asking again about the investments, and what she should be doing. I asked at one point - you don't understand any of this, do you? And she said no. And she detected I was becoming a little angry.
So I sent her this text:
----- I don't mean for this to sounds angry, and I probably should not say anything at all. I find it difficult to swallow that after working all this time to provide us security - which you did not seem to appreciate according to your feeling about (my employer) - and then you being so hellbent on getting your share - you don't even understand what it is. This was our financial security and the boys' college education. I worked hard for this for all of us, and you destroyed it without even understanding it.
I'm sorry but this is a sore spot for me. I am no longer invested in your financial security. You need to learn to figure this out for yourself.
Again, I'm sorry if that sounds angry - maybe it is - but this throws me around the bend. We should avoid talking about it. -----
Well, she stopped calling.
Don't know why I'm posting, not really looking for advice. It was heavy-handed, yes, but I like having established a boundary. It doesn't matter if she "gets" my point of view, so probably went overboard. That's the problem with doing things in the moment. Didn't give it long enough to sit.
Of course, she'll be upset you took the cake away from her which so far she'd been having and eating too. Perhaps you could've left out "I'm no longer invested in your financial security" but then again you don't have to pussy foot around anymore. This is when you take control and lead...she's no power over you anymore. You're a free person responsible for yourself and your kids. That's it.
As for her not calling- I think in time she'll start calling again and if she doesn't well you know the real her and why would you want her back if things will be the same with her as before. This is what I've learnt from my own sitch. I changed during the separation, she never did. So it was pointless to get back together. Even though she was remorseful and said sorry like she's never before but only after she got hurt. So I've come to the conclusion that it was guilt and fear not remorse. There's a difference.
Good for you your mind's quieter, that's a good sign- a sign of analyzing less and detaching more.
Me: 35|WAW: 38|D: 6yo | http://tinyurl.com/2dxx7m6 Feb 2006, left, came back in two weeks Aug 2006, left again Apr 2007, filed for divorce Dec 2007, reunited Mar 2010, moved out, filed again
Well, her calling, I kind of wanted to throttle that. It's fine.
Couple of texts, sounds like it all wasn't a big deal, she said she shouldn't have called me at work. Agreed. I guess she internalized that a little bit.
But on the downside, I really did want to know how day camp went for the boys Fri / Sat. I LIKE talking to her about them, we're both enthusiastic parents.
Anyway, I get them back tonight. So that's fine too.
Funny those fragments that churn up in in your head that are still fragments of disbelief.
Anyway, OK day. Yeah, did talk to her yesterday, everything was fine. She dropped the kids off, was here a brief time. We ate some cantelope together.
Funny, I just ready SR's post about the router, I was in the same spot, had set up her router when she moved, recently installed Win7 on her computer, all that stuff. Well, now, after that text I sent...
Her iPhone4 has arrived, I saw it when I was picking up the boys. There's some problem with it, her account or something. I asked her if she needed help with it, and she said, no, she's got to deal with these things by herself.
OK.
Things are settling down.
Everone keeps telling me I've lost too much weight. I thought it would be coming back by now, but it's not. Apparently I've lost more. Funny, I saw TM on Saturday, did her a favor by keeping her dog for the day - and she commented on it, that I keep losing - then XW (who has been commenting on it all along) brought it up and said - TM is worried about you... (had seen her earlier in the day)
OK, weird moment. But not the point, just a funny story. Anyway, same comments from my family when I saw them.
So I bought a scale today. 168 lbs. A year ago about I was probably roughly 200 lbs (I'm 6'2", have topped out about 210 at some point). But yes, continuing to lose. Thought I was in the 170's.
Geronimo, not to worry! I have a friend who lost 30 lbs during his divorce, he called it The Life Devastation Diet Plan. I'll bet food has not been on your mind much the past few months. So, eat what you can, eat healthy and the weight will return. Your system has been through a trauma, let it heal.
