Hi Newlywed. My wife and I will have been married 7 years next month. We dated for 3 years prior to getting married and had a great sex life during that time. Now I feel like a fool for thinking that it would only get better. Back then she insisted that we sleep together naked and cuddle - now she essentially goes to bed fully clothed! The few times that we've had sex in recent years, she's always seemed to enjoy it once we get started. But just like your husband, it's nearly impossible to get her started. She acts like it would kill her to just give it a try. I've even offered to give up any possibility of sex until a given date just so we can cuddle occasionally without her having to worry that it will lead to sex - and she refused that too! Actually, I've tried lots of things and haven't had any luck whatsoever.
As badly as I'm dying to make love to my wife, I always know that when it does happen it won't be nearly as enjoyable as it once was. Having sex so infrequently, I nearly have an anxiety attack whenever it happens. Not that it keeps me from being "up to the task", but all I can think about is that if it isn't perfect she'll have no reason to want it again for several more months. It's like having sex with someone for the first time every time we do it. I don't even feel like I know my wife any more.
I've tried not talking the problem to death - and that may actually help if I could only keep it up long enough to do some good. But my "blow up limit" seems to be about a month, which is always less than what it takes for my wife to start working on the problem. I could probably work on the 180's as I do have a tendency to react the same way over and over. Right now, I'm leaning seriously towards counseling. I actually went to speak with someone at my church last week, but that did little to help. The counselor didn't offer much in the way of solutions. I've been thumbing through the yellow pages and searching online for a counselor with some expertise dealing with sexless marriages. I'm sure I'll eventually just try someone because I have no idea how to determine who might actually be able to help. I don't anticipate being able to get my wife to go along right away, but I'm hopeful that she will eventually. Guess I've got to take that first step in order to find out.
I hope that you have some luck and I'll gladly pass along anything I find that seems to help. Your posts express what I'm feeling so well that I can really identify with you and I know how badly you're hurting.
