Back from the vacation to Mexico with WAW to celebrate her 40th birthday.
I said to some friends that I thought this trip would determine what would happen between us. Unfortunately, I was right.
While we never fought or anything, we just didn't commect all week. WAW was frustrated with me quite often and I was not comfortable a lot of the time. When we were away in April, and even since then, things seemed to be getting better. But, the vacation was a real step backwards.
D18 told me that WAW told her that "we won't be getting back together" - "your Dad hasn't changed" "it's too late".
I called WAW today and admitted that I didn't think it went well between us and to ask her what her thoughts are. She's still not willing to say it's 100% over and that there is no hope, but it's close. She again told me I can "date other people".
Unless something dramatic happens (and I have no idea what that could be) we will stay with our current plan to sell the house next June and proceed with the divorce.
The optimist in me says that still gives me almost a year, but the realist tells me that I simply am not the man she wants me to be, and can't make genuine, lasting changes to be that man either.
Only a few days before the trip, when I took WAW out for her b'day dinner, things felt good between us. But I think one week of being together 24/7 brought reality crashing to our world.
Today, I am sad, but accepting. Back to one day at a time.....
Let's review this: - kissing her ass and making every change she wants you to make - making sure the air doesn't move in whichever room she happens to be standing in - buying dinners, gifts, trips seem to be working awesome - she still complains about you even though you bust your a$$ to "be the man" she wants you to be - you keep pursuing her even though she keeps you at respectable distance, whatever she can tolerate on any given day
Do you notice any of this?
Hmmmm.....
I do.
I'm sure a few others do as well.
"Be the man" she wants you to be, during all this time that you've been climbing Mount Everest trying to jump through every f!@#$king hoop she lights on fire and puts before you what have you done to make yourself happy?
Seriously, with all this focus on her, what have you been doing to make you happy? I mean really happy, not just on the surface happy.
The person doing the rejecting is the one being pursued.
Your wife rejects you, you pursue her even more, I'm sure it's good to feel all this attention, she enjoys the ego boost she gets from pulling your strings but that gets boring for a woman and women tend to get bored easily especially with men that don't have a clue.
Get a clue.
You need a break from her. You really do.
No more of those weekend dinners, tell her you need a break from her. What's been happening between the two of you hasn't been good for you, you've been thinking about it a lot lately and you're not sure you want this anymore. Tell her that it was rude for her to tell you that you can "date other people", that smacks of a very controlling attitude on her part and that's what she's tired of, easily controlling you, she gets her way all the time with you without any effort or challenge, you're conquered, she can have you at any time and you know what, that's way too sexy.... NOT!
Tell her you will decide when you're ready to date, and that you don't need her permission and it's really rude for her to say that to you that you can "date other people" - thanks I appreciate the permission. You tried and tried and tried to be this "perfect man" but guess what, that guy doesn't exist, I'm not perfect, Gucci's not perfect, Puppy's not perfect and you are not perfect.
You want things in your situation to change? Change what you're doing.
No more weekend dinners at your place, no more going out with her, no more gifts, no more taking her out for dinner, you save those privileges for someone who WANTS to be with you and you don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.
You've had an awakening, this isn't working for you anymore and it bothers you that it's taken this long for you to figure this out. Tell her she's right, this isn't going to work out, you could fly to the moon and back but unless she was willing to invest herself 110% into this process it would never work. You tell her that she can date other people, you're fine with it. If you haven't already, you tell her that you will speak to the kids about your situation and tell them that it's over and that you will get divorced next year and then sell the home.
Don't be mean, punitive, angry, a prick or an a$$hole - it's not necessary, it's not what a real man would do anyways. She doesn't want you, that's fine, you don't want her anymore either, there's only so much rejection you were going to take before the idea finally got through that thick skull of yours.
I know you guys have that routine where she comes over on saturdays or sundays to cook dinner for the family, tell her that can stop, no use in putting on a charade for the kids and it's not necessary for you either, you can make dinner for the kids or take them out - no worries. She should also stop getting used to coming over whenever she wants, she's moved out, you guys are separated, you should act like it, not this fake inbetween dimension you've been existing in. Do you have free access to her apartment? Probably not. So her free access to the home will change too and she will come over only if she's invited over, she should respect where you live as much as where you respect where you live. Maybe this also involves the kids going back & forth between the 2 locations, I'm not sure what the dynamic is at this point, something you will have to work out but seriously you can stop trying so hard to win her back, it's precisely what hasn't been working.
Plus this statement about allowing you "to date other people" is the 2nd or 3rd one I've read this week from different users on this forum and guess what, one of them just found out that his WAW that could never have been seeing/been interested in someone else is now texting and talking to some mystery man out of the blue. Interesting how this "permission" to date other people usually comes after they've started something with someone else.
Time for you to turn this around, I think you can handle it.
