Just Confronted - A Litttle Confused

[TimeHeals]

I want THIS from my marriage - I am willing to stay married if this is available

a. Monogamous commitment
b. Honest internet activity
c. Respect to me when you are talking about me with your friends and family

But she doesn't WANT the marriage.

What does that have to do with what Allen is telling you?

She can tell the danged FT that she doesn't want the M, to be honest, monogamous or respect you if she wants to tell him that.

[Allen A]

And for the record she DOES want the marraige... she is

a. Afraid it will be the same as before
b. Confused how to perform the necessary repairs

She's talking divorce but a and b is what she's feeling - fear and confusion... Her outward RESPOSNE to this is to ESCAPE into divorce high on the fantasy that her fear, confusion, and all of the other emotions rushing through her mind will suddenly dissappear when a piece of paper is signed

YOU need to stop listening to what she's SAYING ... AGAIN... and HEAR what's being communicated.

I don't want the marriage = I am miserable and scared
I don't want to be married to you anymore = You hurt me and I am terrified it will happen again

Learn to HEAR what's being said dude

This is a chance to SHOW her that mutual respect can be shared between you too... HOPE is possible... This is a chance to show it

[Quicksilver264]

a. Afraid it will be the same as before

Absolutely. She in no way believes that a good marriage is possible with me. In fact, she said she doesn't even want a good marriage with me anymore.

b. Confused how to perform the necessary repairs

She does not WANT to make ANY repairs whatsoever. She can't get out of this relationship fast enough.


Here is some of what she said tonight at FC:

-I want to sell the house and get away from you.

-In order to heal, I need to be apart from you.

-He can NEVER be the right match for me. We aren't compatible

-I have never been so clear about what I know I need to do to be happy

-I am NOT willing to invest any more in this marriage

-No matter what you do, or how you change, there is no hope for us

-I want to put the house on the market RIGHT NOW

-Our house is NOT a home anymore. It's a building

-You are clinging on so tightly. Why can't you just realize it's over and agree to sell the house.

-I feel like he is changing and doing these things out of fear of losing me and everything.


Now I said that I was quite enjoying being more involved in the house, and that the divorce was HER decision. I said I wasn't ready to sell the house, and I was going to enjoy every possible moment that I have.

She said "You ONLY think of yourself. You will NEVER change! You are just pushing me farther away. I WILL find a way to leave and you can see what it feels like to be alone".

She is so angry about me not wanting to sell the house so she can move out. I mean FURIOUS. Almost as mad as when I exposed. Now she is going to run and call her mom and her friends and tell them how I "desperately" want to hold on to her, and what a terrible person I am.

Thing is. I took your guys' advice. THIS IS HER DECISION. LET HER FIND A WAY OUT AND DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

QS,

Have you read Gucci's "Setting Them Free" thread he's got going over in Newcomers? I really think that's what you need to do here. All you're doing at this point is ANNOYING her.

Puppy

[Allen A]

Dude, you are still fixating on all the negative garbage she's spewing and taking it seriously... I won't beat that dead horse any further... we haev ALL told you to STOP fixating on it because its bringing you down and making it harder for you to fight...

You gotta put on that suit of armor and let the negatives bounce off...

Good job holding your end up sir... I konw this is hard, but I think you are learning and this will benefit you for the rest of yoru life... however that may turn out... I still don't buy her negatives... I think she's SHOWING you anger to MASK how miserable she is...

I think her confusion and frustration and yes even GUILT is all buried under a mountain of anger that she uses to hide her feelings...

YOU need to stop listening to the voice on the surface and trust the ten years she gave you... THAT is still under there

[Quicksilver264]

OK 2 conflicting sets of advice from 2 well-respected posters on here. Wow, what to do.

She did say in the session that she feels I can't or won't let her go.

HOWEVER, I am giving her plenty of space and doing things FOR ME. The house thing is based on what I WANT, and not worrying about her and the divorce. I am being an adult and civil, and she is NOT getting en emotional rise from me. Now that I have put so much into it, I am finding I am so happy making a HOME for myself. To hell with what she wants to do to get away.

@Allen. I have a HUGE suit of armor on. But it is difficult because she is so determined, and she always tried to focus on the positives after the divorce. i.e. I will find a better spouse, I will be happier ect.

@Puppy. I know I have to set her free. That's why I am going to hold onto the house and not agree to sell until I am good and ready if at all. I am doing things WITHOUT worrying about what she will think or do.

She is free to leave at any time. But I won't stand for sex chatting and pursuing other men while we live in the same house. BOUNDARY right there, and MUTUAL respect is what I want.

So now the question is how should I proceed.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Let me be clear:

I'm still all about BOUNDARIES. I'd jam the woman's internet before I'd let her sex chat from my own home. And I admire -- and believe in -- Allen's approach when there's an affair involved, up to a point.

We can all debate when that point is, but really, only the affected betrayed spouse knows when that is. But I do think there comes a point where you have to say "You know what, I agree. This really isn't working, and I haven't been listening to you when you say you're no longer interested in being married to me."

At its essence, why do you want to remain married to someone who no longer wants to remain married to YOU?? Now, you can treat it like an addiction, and that is something I believe in, but there comes a time you have to "call the question."

I don't believe in doing this right outta the chute, as Robx and Gucci often advocate. But I do think it's the way to go in situations like Officer in Need's and some of you others that have tried everything, and the wife is just screaming "LET ME GO!!!"

To hang on is not only pathetic an unattractive, but it just ANNOYS THE HELL out of the other spouse.

Puppy

[Quicksilver264]

But I have only been at this a month. It will take longer to get TRUE detachment, and to see if my changes FOR ME will start to affect her.

1 month for every year married Allan and MWD says. Allen seems to advocate strong interference running against other men in order to keep a clear playing field so she has TRUE time to heal and be affected by anything.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Yep -- that's what they say.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I think you need to read what a walkaway/cheating spouse themself just posted here this week:

I'm going to give my experience as to what worked on me and got my attention. I was the cheater in my marriage by the way. I was full into an affair and "in love".

My wife exposed to everyone. Her family, my family, our friends not the kids though). This didn't immediately stop me but it blew the fantasy off our affair and started me thinking about things that I hadn't really considered, like my kids.

After some initial pursuing, she stopped. She even handed me the cleaning supplies I needed so I could move into one of our rentals. She agreed that this OW was probably my soulmate and dropped the rope. Reality was beginning to set in.

At this point, OW and I decided the affair was wrong, and would hurt innocent children so we broke it off. It was very diificult. I felt like my life and dreams were ending. My grieving process lasted about as long as the affair, which was short as my wife found out fairly early.

I've read that the grieving process lasts about as long as the affair lasts, so you can see the importance of busting the affair as early as possible.

Some things she did to get my feelings back for her - First, she dropped the rope. I wasn't as important as I thought I was. This was a blow to my ego and surprised me.

She didn't wallow in front of me or the kids. Any pain she felt, she did it in private. Once again, a blow to my ego.

She didn't drop the ball with the kids, or her job.

She went out and got some things done. New hairstyle, straightened her hair. New (sexy but classy) wardrobe, shoes, nails done, make up, etc. She was hot, confident and she showed it by her actions and attitude.

She started getting made up and going out on her own. Not recommendibg it, but going dancing, clubbing, some drinking. More wild. She took control of herself and the situation.

This turned my feelings around 180.

First, you do AllenA.

Then, you do Gucci/Robx.

THAT is what WORKS.

Puppy