"All rise"

[25yearsmlc]

Frank,

I think your real fear is that xw is poisoning them against you and that you are losing. To an extent this CAN work but never permanently. It's not as if you are not around. And little girls want their dads around but not as much at this age anyhow. It will come. And unlike the dads who make promises and break them you will model a man of his word. She WILL look forward to the times you have, in time. Oh and by the way, the behavior of your wife won't last too long either as her cards are starting to show already. You don't think the kids will notice the dumping off? Or the new guy who gets her attention more than they do?

They will notice. And you will always be making them your priority and in a way it's easier for you to do that with having them less (OUCH I know you are cringing but hear me out) b/c what I mean is, by having them less, when you DO have them, you really can make them IT...they are number 1 and the only 1 for now...in contrast, your xw is "making her new life" with ....whomever....

Kids figure this out. They don't like it. I still recall a neighbor of ours 16 years ago, who's h had left. There were two kids, about 14 and 12. The dad would make promises to his kids to pick them up on Saturday, and I'd see them on the porch waiting for their dad to come, for HOURS they would wait. A boy and a girl, in the Texas heat, waiting outside b/c the mom would not let the dad in the house...and for most of the promised visits, he was a no show. ANd when he would show, his ex w would blast him for being late or "finally coming" or whatever....nightmare. Those kids were scarred. I hated the dad for breaking his word SO OFTEN and hated the mom for making her anger the obvious priority over her kids...

I have often wondered how those children turned out b/c the daughter babysat for my youngest on occasion and was a nice girl. She cried when we moved and I KNOW it was b/c she saw an intact family...and wanted one so badly. If her dad had showed up when promised, THAT divorce would have been so much less of a blow to them. Instead of leaving their mom, it was clear he left them all. That's why you are not HIM....you and your xw broke up, your family did not. You are a single dad, like many others. And your kids WILL know you love them and the way you get along with your son now, will be a model for your d too. She's going to want it too but right now feels very conflicted and disloyal if she lets you get close. Understand that.

Don't make her choose. You can even compliment your xw if there's anything similar about her and the d7, like if she looks good or whatever...point is, your d is like her mom IN YOUR D"S EYES...she is female, and maybe they look a little alike...so let her see that you don't hate HER (or your ex b/c your ex is part of HER...make sense?) No, you don't have to compliment your xw TO HER...but to your d, so she sees NO rejection of her, from you.

I don't think I'm articulating this well, but just hang in there. You are NOT losing your kids....and you know, don't forget or revise how it was when you were all together. Having them all in the house was not a picnic either. At least now there's no disrespect in your face from your xw, nor is there that hideous tension in the home...that's something.

((( j )))