I think your real fear is that xw is poisoning them against you and that you are losing. To an extent this CAN work but never permanently. It's not as if you are not around. And little girls want their dads around but not as much at this age anyhow. It will come. And unlike the dads who make promises and break them you will model a man of his word. She WILL look forward to the times you have, in time. Oh and by the way, the behavior of your wife won't last too long either as her cards are starting to show already. You don't think the kids will notice the dumping off? Or the new guy who gets her attention more than they do?
They will notice. And you will always be making them your priority and in a way it's easier for you to do that with having them less (OUCH I know you are cringing but hear me out) b/c what I mean is, by having them less, when you DO have them, you really can make them IT...they are number 1 and the only 1 for now...in contrast, your xw is "making her new life" with ....whomever....
Kids figure this out. They don't like it. I still recall a neighbor of ours 16 years ago, who's h had left. There were two kids, about 14 and 12. The dad would make promises to his kids to pick them up on Saturday, and I'd see them on the porch waiting for their dad to come, for HOURS they would wait. A boy and a girl, in the Texas heat, waiting outside b/c the mom would not let the dad in the house...and for most of the promised visits, he was a no show. ANd when he would show, his ex w would blast him for being late or "finally coming" or whatever....nightmare. Those kids were scarred. I hated the dad for breaking his word SO OFTEN and hated the mom for making her anger the obvious priority over her kids...
I have often wondered how those children turned out b/c the daughter babysat for my youngest on occasion and was a nice girl. She cried when we moved and I KNOW it was b/c she saw an intact family...and wanted one so badly. If her dad had showed up when promised, THAT divorce would have been so much less of a blow to them. Instead of leaving their mom, it was clear he left them all. That's why you are not HIM....you and your xw broke up, your family did not. You are a single dad, like many others. And your kids WILL know you love them and the way you get along with your son now, will be a model for your d too. She's going to want it too but right now feels very conflicted and disloyal if she lets you get close. Understand that.
Don't make her choose. You can even compliment your xw if there's anything similar about her and the d7, like if she looks good or whatever...point is, your d is like her mom IN YOUR D"S EYES...she is female, and maybe they look a little alike...so let her see that you don't hate HER (or your ex b/c your ex is part of HER...make sense?) No, you don't have to compliment your xw TO HER...but to your d, so she sees NO rejection of her, from you.
I don't think I'm articulating this well, but just hang in there. You are NOT losing your kids....and you know, don't forget or revise how it was when you were all together. Having them all in the house was not a picnic either. At least now there's no disrespect in your face from your xw, nor is there that hideous tension in the home...that's something.
((( j )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I don't want you to panic, but I do want to throw my sister's story out there as a cautionary tale.
My dad was a baseball star growing up so when I took an interest in it we practiced every day for hours.
My sister was an animal lover and artist -- and one of the very best artists in the country. She won a high school art contest in the 8th grade.
Anyway, I was 12 and she was 14 when my parents divorced. My dad never missed a baseball game or practice after the divorce. He was very dedicated and eventually frustrated because by not being around every day I drifted away from my practice habits as I got older (girls).
My mom, I'm guessing here, sensed that I would never turn away from my dad because of sports so she began really campaigning for my sister's affection by telling her how much her dad favored me because of baseball.
My sister tells me now she never felt like our dad favored me until our mom really put the full-court press on.
Eventually, it was successful. She never visited my dad on weekends. They never did anything together. My sister realizes now what my mom was up to.
My parents are gone now and I wish they were around to grill them about this.
I worry that your daughter senses the tie you have with the son about baseball. Watch to see if the ex is trying to use that tie as a wedge with the daughter.
In a way, I now feel lucky I have two daughters. I don't have as many issues about favoritism.
Me: 47, Ds 17-13, D final 6-11 http://tinyurl.com/yk4e2tz http://tiny.cc/thread2 http://tinyurl.com/ydtphqu http://tinyurl.com/thread4 http://tinyurl.com/3sm78k6 http://tinyurl.com/thread6
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I had my kids last weekend. Mellow and laid back but nice. D7 refuses to learn how to ride a back so I found a deal on a bicycle trailer: a third wheel with a seat and handle bar and peddles that connects under the main seat of my bike. Took her out for a spin and she loved it after getting used to it. S9's team got mercy ruled again. They won 2/3 seed games so they were placed in an A league division when they are really a C team.
Me? Still a bit of a struggle not seeing my kids. I miss coming home to them at night and hanging out with them in the evening. It hurts. I DO feel a bit lonely.
I have kept communication with X via text and emails. X now CALLS me in return a text call. Can't figure that one out, but, I answer and respond respectfully. Another weird relationship with her: she hangs out with her friend's husband. When I called her to remind her that she had to drop off S9's BB uniform, HE delivered it to my house. Short, dumpy guy. Hmmm. He is having some marital issues, but, hey, just observations.
S9 told me last week that Wesley Walker (Jet football player) stopped over at X's house for 'coffee and pizza'.
Should I ask X for a signed football? LOL.
I hope you are all well and I apologize for not having much time of late to follow others. Please feel free to update me here if you have the energy: CTH, Kalni, kissak, et al. I WILL try and get over to you and I support you all. FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
"Me? Still a bit of a struggle not seeing my kids. I miss coming home to them at night and hanging out with them in the evening. It hurts. I DO feel a bit lonely." Extremely painful!
Maybe start a bunch of on-going projects to keep constructively busy or attack what gets piled up when the kids are around or at least prepare for the kids next visit. (e.g., I did a major surgery on my house and my computers, then smaller projects like upgrading the plumbing, electric and phone wiring; then there's laundry, groceries, school supplies, etc...)
Have you tried to <<completely>> detach from your rotten X? Otherwise with her level of hostility your wounds will take a long tome to heal (right, doc?). Have you tried not answering the phone, thinking about or encountering her or her BFs in any way, shape or form? e,g. I use e-mails (absolutely unemotional, max 2-3 lines), she stays at the curb to pick up the kids, BF cannot come hear me or the kids or contact them when they're with me, No "co-parenting" but "parallel parenting". I got some of this implemented via the court and the rest by simply being very disciplined. Boundaries!
Fb2....oddly, XW is a bit less hostile of late. During the D, SHE was the total noncommunicator. All texts were answered with: "OK". "K". Etc. I continued this simplicity. Funny though. Now, when I text her, she CALLS ME to answer the text. When I tell her to drop something off by the mailbox, she responds, "I'll bring it to the door."
Hey, bottomline is...our marriage is over and simply waiting for a stamp on the stipulation.
I totally agree with your input. I have SO MUCH to do in the house INCLUDING getting new bedroom sets for the kids. She took all their furniture with her. Financially, I have not been able to replace it yet, but, that will change soon.
I keep the doors locked at all times now. I don't want any more barge-ins.
On paper, I am getting more parenting time with them. Saturdays on her weekends, she works and she lets me take them for a chunk mid day. I will probably get less time with them when S9's baseball season ends.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
