First, I get so angry, so easily. Part of it has got to be that I don't get enough sleep. Somehow, I just can't sleep with all of this running around in my head. I just lose any fatigue at all, because my emotions are so high. And I am most angry that I am awake, struggling with all of this, while he sleeps peacefully and without a care in the world.
When I DO manage not to get angry, I get depressed instead. I get so discouraged that I wonder why I got married in the first place, why didn't I run when I realized that we were virtually incompatible in this area? Then, I get angry and the cycle starts again. But angry, sad, depressed, or happy, there is no magic mood, no button to push, nothing that makes sex predictable.
I read Michele's book, and it made SENSE, and although I was already doing most of it, I vowed to attack this problem with renewed vigor. But when he refuses to even read the book or listen to what I've learned, and when he refuses to do ANYthing to change, then I get frustrated again, and. . . here we go!
Does anyone else "cycle" this? What I mean by that is that you can go for a couple of weeks, months, whatever, where it doesn't seem like THAT big of a deal, and you can kind of push it off. But then, all of a sudden, it becomes this HUGE thing, that no matter what, you can't get off your mind. And then, THAT is when the anger bubbles up to the surface, that your H or W can say something completely innocent that gets you so unbelievably angry that you can't even believe yourself.
Also incredibly frustrating is that the angrier I get, the quieter my husband gets. He won't react to anything that I say. I start out, trying to be empathetic, trying to use a lot of "I feel" messages, trying to be calm. I will talk, then ask him a question and he says NOTHING. That gets me upset, because he isn't at all engaged in the conversation, and then I will get a little less understanding, a litle less calm, and still, nothing from him. Now, that silence is maddening. And soon I am so frustrated that I could just SCREAM. I am pouring my heart out, and all he can say is, "Well, what do you want me to say." So, sometimes, I will say mean things or make horrible accusations ("Are you gay? -or- Who IS she?") just to get a reaction. It usually works, and he gets defensive, and we both say ugly things, and nothing is accomplished, and I feel that I have mucked everything up.
And here is the part that ashames and scares me. I have never confessed this to a living soul, but sometimes I could hate my husband. I lie there crying, and he lies there sleeping. And this is after he has rejected me for the thousandth time. I just wonder, how can he love me and treat me this way? But then again. . .how can I love him and hate him all at the same time?
At this point, this is when I start to really dislike myself for my evil thoughts, and then I vow not to get mad again, and then I get depressed. . . and the cycle continues.
So, I understand. And I am a prisoner of this cycle and it drives me crazy. Right now, I just want to cry, but I have done so much of that, and it doesn't change anything either. I just don't know how to stop these feelings. When I read the book and Michele tells us that these are unproductive feelings, I logically understand that, but emotionally is another story.
I am so sorry for this emotional outburst. I think I just needed to vent. As sorry as I feel for everyone else on this board, it is SO GOOD to not feel so alone any longer. Perhaps the strangest thing about being married is how lonely it is.
