My husband is not feeling well, He says he is sick with the flu, but you know, I don't believe him. He hates his job so much that just going makes him very unhappy. No matter how many times I have told him that he should quit if this job makes him so miserable,that we will manage, he won't listen. He is looking for another one, but with the economy as it is, nothing has happenned, so he is even more miserable and now telling me he is sick.
I feel pretty bad that I don't believe him, but I just can't justify someone that won't go to work and won't go to the doctor no matter what I say. He has this pasive way of confronting life that makes me want to scream and well, today I did just that
I was so mean and even though I think I am not sorry for telling him what I think, I should have done it in a VERY different way.
I think because I am so frustrated with our sex problem, all other problems get me so angry so fast.
I am loosing hope on this, not because my husband won't change, but because am not doing what I need to do to help. I am reacting instead of thinking and not applying what I learned in the book. I cannot for the life of me just let go of the pain an anger.
I know exactly how you feel. I've been married for almost 20 years and have been hurt and angry for most of the last 10 years or so because of the lack of sex. My wife complains quite a lot about work and nothing I ever say comforts her no matter how hard I try, and her problems at work is one of the main reasons she gives for never being in the mood. I've made plenty of messes when I was angry, but it seems to me she always understood it was my frustration with her lack of desire that caused them and made them easier to forgive. A while back I made a decision to not get angry anymore. Our relationship got better, but the sex has dropped off even further. Now depression has taken the place of anger. I'm an optomist. Even as depressed as I am, I keep thinking to myself that things can't get any worse, the only direction is up.
First, I get so angry, so easily. Part of it has got to be that I don't get enough sleep. Somehow, I just can't sleep with all of this running around in my head. I just lose any fatigue at all, because my emotions are so high. And I am most angry that I am awake, struggling with all of this, while he sleeps peacefully and without a care in the world.
When I DO manage not to get angry, I get depressed instead. I get so discouraged that I wonder why I got married in the first place, why didn't I run when I realized that we were virtually incompatible in this area? Then, I get angry and the cycle starts again. But angry, sad, depressed, or happy, there is no magic mood, no button to push, nothing that makes sex predictable.
I read Michele's book, and it made SENSE, and although I was already doing most of it, I vowed to attack this problem with renewed vigor. But when he refuses to even read the book or listen to what I've learned, and when he refuses to do ANYthing to change, then I get frustrated again, and. . . here we go!
Does anyone else "cycle" this? What I mean by that is that you can go for a couple of weeks, months, whatever, where it doesn't seem like THAT big of a deal, and you can kind of push it off. But then, all of a sudden, it becomes this HUGE thing, that no matter what, you can't get off your mind. And then, THAT is when the anger bubbles up to the surface, that your H or W can say something completely innocent that gets you so unbelievably angry that you can't even believe yourself.
Also incredibly frustrating is that the angrier I get, the quieter my husband gets. He won't react to anything that I say. I start out, trying to be empathetic, trying to use a lot of "I feel" messages, trying to be calm. I will talk, then ask him a question and he says NOTHING. That gets me upset, because he isn't at all engaged in the conversation, and then I will get a little less understanding, a litle less calm, and still, nothing from him. Now, that silence is maddening. And soon I am so frustrated that I could just SCREAM. I am pouring my heart out, and all he can say is, "Well, what do you want me to say." So, sometimes, I will say mean things or make horrible accusations ("Are you gay? -or- Who IS she?") just to get a reaction. It usually works, and he gets defensive, and we both say ugly things, and nothing is accomplished, and I feel that I have mucked everything up.
And here is the part that ashames and scares me. I have never confessed this to a living soul, but sometimes I could hate my husband. I lie there crying, and he lies there sleeping. And this is after he has rejected me for the thousandth time. I just wonder, how can he love me and treat me this way? But then again. . .how can I love him and hate him all at the same time?
At this point, this is when I start to really dislike myself for my evil thoughts, and then I vow not to get mad again, and then I get depressed. . . and the cycle continues.
So, I understand. And I am a prisoner of this cycle and it drives me crazy. Right now, I just want to cry, but I have done so much of that, and it doesn't change anything either. I just don't know how to stop these feelings. When I read the book and Michele tells us that these are unproductive feelings, I logically understand that, but emotionally is another story.
I am so sorry for this emotional outburst. I think I just needed to vent. As sorry as I feel for everyone else on this board, it is SO GOOD to not feel so alone any longer. Perhaps the strangest thing about being married is how lonely it is.
Quote: Perhaps the strangest thing about being married is how lonely it is.
This is EXACTLY the way all HD spouses feel when married to someone with NO DESIRE. It is exactly the way I feel. Now, I hope that you do not have any children yet. If you don't, make sure you do not have children until this problem is cleared up. Children will only make the situation worse, since they are time consuming. Unfortunately for me, my children CAUSED my wife to become fridgid. I would leave her in a second if I did not have children, but unfortunately I love my children, so I am trying to hang in there until they leave home or my wife and I can figure something out. On the other hand, if you were to give birth, that might screw up your hormones like it did to my wife, and your desire would disappear as well. I have seen many HD people on here actually discussing drugs that will KILL their desire for sex so that they can be compatible with their passionless spouses. Boy, does that not show how desparate we can become.
Here might be some helpful advice, get him completely checked out, particularly for low levels of testosterone. From what I understand, men are more likely to have physical problems if they are low desire. It still is probably an emotional problem, but you could at least rule out the physical problems by getting him checked out.
CeMar, Thanks for the advice on the testosterone. He was checked two years ago, and found to have very low levels. Since then, he has taken monthly injections (which of course, are MY fault, eventhough it has more to do with his health than our sex life), and his levels have been normal (although in the low normal range) for over a year now.
We do not have kids yet. We have only been married seven months. I would very much like to have children, and I guess I hope that maybe that will even us out, but that is not a good reason to have kids! While there are many other reasons that I want children, I do know now would not be a wise time to have them. My h will make a wonderful father, but I think we have to work on being a good marrieds first.
But I identify with those that want to lower their sex drive. I get so angry with myself for continuing to want sex with someone who so obviously doesn't want it with me. I mean, how degrading is that? About as degrading as repeatedly begging for sex gets. If I could stop wanting him, I would. It would make my life easier, and I could definitely use the extra sleep! But then I feel that would be cheating myself in a way. I mean, I don't want to be gross, but I LOVE sex! I love how energized it makes me. I love feeling that close to my husband. I love the feeling afterwards, of knowing we have shared something so special. However, sex isn't really as great for us as it used to be. I am so worried the whole time about whether it is good for him, that I forget to concentrate on me.
Quote: Does anyone else "cycle" this? What I mean by that is that you can go for a couple of weeks, months, whatever, where it doesn't seem like THAT big of a deal, and you can kind of push it off. But then, all of a sudden, it becomes this HUGE thing, that no matter what, you can't get off your mind. And then, THAT is when the anger bubbles up to the surface, that your H or W can say something completely innocent that gets you so unbelievably angry that you can't even believe yourself.
Newlywed,
I could have written that paragraph. That's where I am right now and I'm so sick of it! I try to be the perfect husband so that my wife can feel close to me emotionally, I maintain a very positive attitude, then after about a month of my wife still refusing to touch me, cuddle with me, kiss me, or do anything even remotely romantic or sexual, I lose it. Usually I don't intend to start a fight. I say something to indicate that I'm unhappy with the situation, my wife quickly becomes irate, and I become a jerk. That, I believe, makes her feel justified in treating me the way she does. After the fight is over, she resets the "intimacy clock" and the whole process begins again. I'm about a week into the cycle right now.
Just wanted to let you know that I'm dealing with the same cycle. I wish I could tell you how to make it stop. Please keep me in mind if you stumble upon the solution.
How long have you been married? Has your wife always been LD? I would say that my husband is almost ND, really. And I always feel as if I am walking on eggshells with him. Especially if it's been awhile and I would like to make love. They say that you should be selfish in bed, but I can't afford to be. I am very concerned in his experience being positive so it won't take so gall darn long until the next time.
Does your wife enjoy sex once you get started? My husband (IF I can get him started), seems to enjoy himself. I read the part in the book about writing on the back of his hand, "Remember, you LIKE sex," and laughed because he seems to forget that he does enjoy. But getting him started is almost impossible.
I DO think that they get mad at us so that they can justify their behavior. If we are good spouses and keep our end of the marital bargain up, then really, I don't see how they can feel okay about it in their minds.
The only thing that seems to break the cycle for us is when we actually DO have sex. When I get to this point, that is really all that I want. But the strange irony is that by this point, I want sex only for the POINT of sex. I am so frustrated and hurt by him, that I don't even physically want it any more. What is up with THAT?
Anyway, in another post someone recommended that I try doing the following:
1) NOT talk the situation to death, but focus on the good in our relationship.
2) Get to the counselor like he has finally agreed to do.
3) Do 180's whenever possible so that we break and not repeat the cycle.
I am going to try my darndest and I'll let you know!
Hi Newlywed. My wife and I will have been married 7 years next month. We dated for 3 years prior to getting married and had a great sex life during that time. Now I feel like a fool for thinking that it would only get better. Back then she insisted that we sleep together naked and cuddle - now she essentially goes to bed fully clothed! The few times that we've had sex in recent years, she's always seemed to enjoy it once we get started. But just like your husband, it's nearly impossible to get her started. She acts like it would kill her to just give it a try. I've even offered to give up any possibility of sex until a given date just so we can cuddle occasionally without her having to worry that it will lead to sex - and she refused that too! Actually, I've tried lots of things and haven't had any luck whatsoever.
As badly as I'm dying to make love to my wife, I always know that when it does happen it won't be nearly as enjoyable as it once was. Having sex so infrequently, I nearly have an anxiety attack whenever it happens. Not that it keeps me from being "up to the task", but all I can think about is that if it isn't perfect she'll have no reason to want it again for several more months. It's like having sex with someone for the first time every time we do it. I don't even feel like I know my wife any more.
I've tried not talking the problem to death - and that may actually help if I could only keep it up long enough to do some good. But my "blow up limit" seems to be about a month, which is always less than what it takes for my wife to start working on the problem. I could probably work on the 180's as I do have a tendency to react the same way over and over. Right now, I'm leaning seriously towards counseling. I actually went to speak with someone at my church last week, but that did little to help. The counselor didn't offer much in the way of solutions. I've been thumbing through the yellow pages and searching online for a counselor with some expertise dealing with sexless marriages. I'm sure I'll eventually just try someone because I have no idea how to determine who might actually be able to help. I don't anticipate being able to get my wife to go along right away, but I'm hopeful that she will eventually. Guess I've got to take that first step in order to find out.
I hope that you have some luck and I'll gladly pass along anything I find that seems to help. Your posts express what I'm feeling so well that I can really identify with you and I know how badly you're hurting.
You may feel stilly looking back, but at least you didn't marry your LD spouse knowing how truly LD they are! I feel like the world's biggest chump.
Our situations are otherwise very similar. My H, too, used to like sleeping nude. Now, even after sex, he refuses to be naked. And I am precisely the same way about sex. I want it to be perfect so that he will want me again. Each time, there is a vague discomfort, just feeling like I might be doing something wrong (is THIS what turns him off? Maybe I shouldn't make this noise/touch him there/ask for that?) or focusing on how he is doing. And the minute we are finished, as I am trying to be happy and fulfilled, I am already wondering how long it will be until next time.
I think that counseling is going to be a must for both of us, and perhaps me alone, as well. It really couldn't hurt.
As much as all of this hurts, however, I am so glad to have found this board. It is so selfish of me to feel this way, but it so so wonderful to know I am NOT alone! I just hate that anyone else has to feel this way. But maybe we can truly help each other find some solutions.
Newlywed: The problem with being married to a ND spouse is that it becomes impossible to find good in them or the relationship. My wife is now only my roommate, which is completely unacceptable to me. Since she never wants to touch me, what is there that I can relate to as being GOOD? Maybe getting to a counselor is the best option for both of us. Maybe if a 3rd party tells our spouses how awful they have been they might start to understand. What comes from our mouths just goes right throught their ears. What I truley can not understand is why people get married and then don't plan on being "LOVERS" for the rest of their lives. To be "Lovers" you MUST BE physical, you MUST do the whole package. It seems that ND spouses want to be Companions instead, which is a step or tow lower on the relationship chain. I know my wife and many of her girlfriends really EXPECT the passion to fade, it is NORMAL to them. They act like how can you DARE EXPECT a women to actually be sexual in mid-life, there are a million reasons to not be sexual. And the worst thing is when you start doing all the things that THEY want you to do, THEY never understand that THEY are supposed to meet MY needs. THEY actaully start thinking that us HD spouses have ACCEPTED THEIR LD LIFESTYLE, which of course we NEVER can truely accept.
Newlywed, can I ask you about your husbands childhood, was it completely normal, or were their dysfunctional things in their past? Was his family a loving, touching kidn of family? I ask these things because I am thinking that when my three sons start dating and getting serious with someone, that I will tell them to AVOID any women that grew up in a dysfunctional family, to avoid any woman that has ANY kind of abuse problem in the past, to AVOID any woman that came from divorced parents, that to AVOID any woman that had alchoholics in the family. It seems that people that grow up in dysfuntaionl families are VERY likely to end up being dysfunctional themselves, and it may not show up until years later. It's the whole theory of "Who wants to want". People that grew up wanting to be loved, hugged, touched, etc.. in families that are completely dysfuntional learn to eliminate the desireto be loved so as to not be disappointed when they are not loved. This can carry over to their entire lives. I think my wife has this problem to some degree. I think my wife Looks to find something wrong with me to PROTECT herself from getting to close.
