It seems that the original discussion of his listening style somehow got twisted to her listening style. Or lack thereof.
So, back to that: Just because she may not want to acknowledge he's really listening (or trying) ... just because she may not be open to it ... just because she's involved elsewhere -- are you saying he shouldn't do it? And do it well and do it in a way that she wants (whether she can admit it or accept it right now or not?) Isn't that the 180? And it may work or it may not in the long run, but it sounds like you're saying 'don't even bother learning what style of communication is important to her ... you can figure that out when she comes out of the fog, and if she doesn't come out then you haven't wasted your effort.'
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Now, complaints before the affair are one thing, but afterward forget it.
It sounds to me like he accepts that some of her complaints (lack of help, etc.) are legit pre-affair complaints. And I'm with Sox on the resentment and the "big whoop-de-do/thanks for nothing" feeling that comes with it when he tries to change now. Again, won't make an impression on her as long as she has her heart steeled against it -- I'm not arguing the point that the A needs to be busted if the fog is going to lift -- but does that mean they don't need to be done because they're the right thing to do? It's the continued doing of them in the face of the criticism and the harsh words and the whoop-de-doo and the passing days and weeks and months that seeps in and says, "Maybe it is legit".
And even then ... maybe not. My C asks if I'm holding my husband to an impossibly high standard because I think he has so much to make up for. And it's a valid question. How much trying will I consider "enough"? That I'm not sure of. But I know from past experience that if he does make requested changes and I don't think it's the greatest thing since Google after about three days, he gets all sulky that I don't appreciate his efforts. Really? Ten years I did (fill-in-the-blank) myself and I'm supposed to fawn all over you because you oh-so-graciously chipped in for three days? Not hardly, Bub, keep trying.
The pattern and the precedent have to start somewhere. When/if the fog lifts she'll be able to look back with some less-distorted view and see that yeah, the changes have been in play awhile. She's the one who hasn't accepted them, but they've been there.
She's NOT doing her part right now; there is no argument there. The A has to stop. That is the Y factor but in no way discounts the Y factor, which Sox was offering some perspective on and you seemingly dismissed and rather rudely, at that.
