I actually already told him, on Monday, that I am more than willing to give him the passwords to my accounts as well. He said that wasn't necessary, that he trusted me and didn't need to check. And I told him it didn't matter because we should have nothing to hide from each other. I will be sure to reciprocate.
One of the problems he has with me is that he claims I'm "too controlling" (he says his parents and some of his friends have said the same to him). I do have some control issues, but a lot of what I think he (and his friends/parents) considered "controlling" on my part was really just me trying to set boundaries to protect our marriage (namely regarding his relationships with female friends, and his parent's excessive meddling/over-attachment). I know, logically, that demanding access to his accounts/phone isn't controlling, given the circumstances. I guess I just fear that he's going to try to spin it that way, making me out to be the bad guy. He hasn't thus far, but I think I'm waiting for that old shoe to drop.
And THANK YOU, to everyone so far for the responses. It's hard to hear some of it, but I know I need to hear it.
Me: 29 Him: 30 Married: 2 years Together: 13 years No kids Bomb: 6/4/10 Started MC: 7/16/10
One of the problems he has with me is that he claims I'm "too controlling" (he says his parents and some of his friends have said the same to him).
Oh, I'm so tired of this one. It's #2 on the Cheating Spouse Hit Parade (right behind "NOW you've done it! (after you've exposed their affair) I WAS considering getting back TOGETHER with you, but now YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR CHANCE!", and ahead of "I need space."
"You're too controlling" is affair-speak for "I don't want anyone holding me accountable for my adulterous behavior," just like "I just need 'space' " is affair-speak for "I need space in which to conduct my affair, unencumbered."
Oh, I'm so tired of this one. It's #2 on the Cheating Spouse Hit Parade (right behind "NOW you've done it! (after you've exposed their affair) I WAS considering getting back TOGETHER with you, but now YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR CHANCE!", and ahead of "I need space."
Out of curiosity, once you've exposed, where does the "you need to find a woman like this..." script fall in the rankings?
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I WAS considering getting back TOGETHER with you, but now YOU'VE BLOWN YOUR CHANCE!",
I think that is also heard on the Oldie But Goodie station! Isn't it amazing? You'd think the WAS all attend some class together since they seem to speak the same script.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The controlling thing is obviously a ploy... IGNORE IT.. ALL CHEATERS SAY THIS... ALL OF THEM
More importantly... when YOU OFFER to give him account info and he says "I trust you" he means "I want privacy so I can keep secrets from you"
You have to BITE that one RIGHT AWAY
When he says "I trust you"
you say
"This isn't about trust, its about us BOTH feeling SAFE... And I DON'T right now... are you going to HIDE things from me or are you going to make your life available so I CAN FEEL SAFE in my OWN HOME?"
If he says no to putting his account info on the table you have your answer.. he's addicted and you need to start playing hardball with him
You start YORU spreasheet NOW... Put it together and ask him to do the same... Don't NEGOTIATE or DEBATE the subject.. just DO IT and invite him to participate.. if he does NOT... again you have got your answer...
To update the situation... My husband did give me his passwords/access last night. He didn't protest or try to make me feel bad about it (although when I came home and he complained he was "tired" and "had a headache" I worried he was going to try to get out of it).
There were a couple of things that surprised me. The first is that he gave me his real password. I know this because when he told me his password it suddenly dawned on me... 10 years ago, during EA #1, I had surreptitiously figured out his email password, and had used it for a period to find out what was really going on. But, I felt like if I found something I couldn't really tell him without outing myself as a "snoop" and becoming the "bad guy". He may have deserved it, but it still felt awful to me, and I ended up stopping. Eventually I forgot the password. But when he told it to me yesterday, that light bulb went off.
The other surprise was that he gave me access to more than I had technically asked for. Along with email/IM/computer/etc. he also gave me the password to his credit card and cell phone account (we have a family plan, so the discussion had been to give me authorization to view the statements, but I wasn't expecting the password to his account).
I also reciprocated and gave him my passwords.
Me: 29 Him: 30 Married: 2 years Together: 13 years No kids Bomb: 6/4/10 Started MC: 7/16/10
He also told me last night that he deleted all of her contact information from the places he had allowed it to linger -- email addresses, chat room ID's, the gaming community he met her on. And he said that, where it was possible, he even blocked her from contacting him.
I don't know if he contacted her at all to tell her he was doing this, or to say "goodbye" or anything (didn't think to ask until this morning...). But, do you think he should do a "No Contact" letter to her just so it's clear? I worry that she'll reach out to him again while he's still withdrawing from the addiction, and he'll get sucked back in (since that already happened once). Or should we just let it be?
Me: 29 Him: 30 Married: 2 years Together: 13 years No kids Bomb: 6/4/10 Started MC: 7/16/10
