I have done all that with my W, made the changes and is still doesn't matter. She just doesn't have "those feelings" for me anymore.
It does matter. It matters to you and it matters to the kids.
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She was actually annoyed by the things I was doing. "Why are you asking about my day now, you never cared before, why do you care now?" My reply "After reading these books, I realize now how important that interaction is to you and I want to be there for you.
Of course she's annoyed. She saw the marriage as a whole partnership, and ended up feeling resentful that she was doing everything. Now you doing things has an agenda. Like "Why weren't you there for me before??"
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Regarding house cleaning I began doing: "See, you DO know what to do, you just CHOSE not to do it before! That makes me even MORE upset. How could you let me do all the work and get so run down." My reply, "I don't know, why didn't you ask me to help you?" She says "I shouldn't have to. I told you I was overwhelmed. You should have seen it." I said "Maybe since I thought you were working part-time and I was working so many hours that you doing it was part of the nonspoken agreement. I don't know. I want to help you now. Please ASK me to do things for you." Of course, I am also doing things on my own and I now ask her what she needs help with or wants me to do. Most of the time I get the response, nothing.
My husband and I to a "T". See when it's a partnership, should someone have to be asked to take out the garbage? Unspoken agreements are bad....bad.....very bad..... it's an assumption made by 1 party in the marriage. Next time, don't ask "what can I help with" or "do you need help".... ask with specifics.... can I chop the tomatoes? May I make the salad? I'm stopping at the store after work, should I buy more milk as well as bacon? Whatever? If you wash, I'll dry.... get it?
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Regarding time with the kids: "I see you are spending more time with them, but are you just doing it for me? You have to be doing it because YOU want to." My reply: "I do want to and have been now that I haven't been working as much. Why does it matter why I am doing these things? The fact is that I am doing them because I want to and it is the right thing to do."
Not bad.
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It seemed and still seems like I can't do anything right. She has admitted all of the changes I have made, but it still doesn't matter. It is her lack of feelings for me and her belief that her feelings will never change is what is causing her to divorce me now.
You can do things right. The point is, it shouldn't have taken this long and things to be this bad for you to do them. That's resentment. She still resents you, even more so now since you are showing her you do know how and what to do, and that you COULD have been doing them before.
She knows her fellings CAN change for you, it took many years for her to get to this point and that's a lot of resentment. It's going to take time for her. SHe is wondering if she can trust you. If she lets her feelings change, are you going to stop doing these things??
Trust me. My husband is you. We split, we got back togetherm, and now I'm back because his changes did stick. (and now that I said I"m done, VIOLA!! The changes begin again!!) Gotta love the rollercoaster.
I have tried so hard, only to have little or no effort shown in return.
