SA, my Ds are only now beginning to make peace with the situation and have more contact with H, and it's been more than 18 months since our S. Your children are old enough to work this out on their own. They will, in their own way and time. All you can do is model forgiveness and compassion, and give them support when they need it.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
Great advice - TG - you are right about separating the actions from the man / and demonstrating compassion. I've been wallowing long enough in self pity - it needs to stop. Thanks!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Twink - your signature says married 38 years - are you still together? Sorry to ask - still trying to figure out how to find history of longtime posters...
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
We have been living separately since our S 18 months ago, but yes, we have been married for 38 years, and were together for 3 years before that. Kind of unbelievable, isn't it? I still have trouble understanding how our relationship could go south so quickly after all of that time, without any complaints from H, or any willingness on his part to address whatever they might have been. That's part of why I believe H is MLC, but as I've said before, it doesn't really matter.
I'm not a long-time poster, having only found this site 5 months post-B
Last edited by Twink; 07/06/1003:17 AM.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
...but I have done a lot of reading since then, have worked hard to understand MLC, and to find a path that is beginning to work for me. You will, too.
M 65 H 64 T 39 & M 36 @ S 12/08 Two Ds
Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. ~ The Weather Man
OK, so tonight is the first night that I am home completely alone. Kids are gone / H is obviously gone. Cried a little bit this morning when oldest D left to go back home - other than that, I've kept it together today. I worked, went to IC, got my hair done, came home - cleaned my bedroom and kitchen - and now I'm facing the fear - finances. Didn't contact H all day - felt calm.
H took oldest D to airport out of town. She called very upset - said that dad got a speeding ticket at the airport and got belligerent with the police officer. If you knew my H prior to the last few months you would know this is completely out of character. Shook D up - said she thought he was ill. She said he won't let anyone in - just is kind of shut off from any emotion or anyone. I have to admit - I'm glad someone else who loves him can see the changes - kind of validates my perception.
Didn't figure I would hear from H - but surprise - he texted me about watching S play ball today and the parent drama at the games. I gave a simple reply of "Thanks for letting me know"
I will take the fact that he at least thought of me one time today and texted me. MWD says to "Think Small" - so I'll take it.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Day 2 with an empty house - and I'm doing ok. Had a fairly productive day at work / haven't accomplished that since H left. Getting a little more clarity - looking for bright spots to this alone time. First, I am emotionally EXHAUSTED! So, the quiet is helpful. Not sleeping great - but I figure that will come.
"Think Small" of the day: H texted me regarding S's game schedule today and his plan for traveling there. Thought of me one time today - ok. I texted back a thank you and appreciate the information.
I'm trying to begin dropping my guard or defenses to start looking at myself as an individual = separate from a wife. It's a completely foreign thing for me. Who am I? What do I want? How do I want to be received? What are my boundaries? What are the non-negotiable things I need to establish to ensure I am taking care of myself?
A friend asked me today about a situation regarding my S = in which my H and I disagreed. She asked me how it was resolved now that we are separated and I told her that I went along with H's recommendation. She asked me how I would have handled it in the past and I said I would have talked through or fought for my opinion. I told her that that trait in me is something that has driven a wedge between my H and myself. I learned that 3 years ago in MC and have worked really hard to recognize it and change. As H and I worked through that issue - I realized and shared with him that it is fear that usually drives that trait and that I typically just need someone to put their hands on my shoulder and say "it will be ok" to kind of "snap" me into reality. I think H didn't want to have to do that - he wanted to not have to deal with it at all. I don't think it was unreasonable of him.
Another thought that came to me as I was thinking about this was this feeling that very often, my H didn't want to have to "deal" or "work" with me on anything. It's almost as if he has been making sure I never succeed in the M by telling me one thing and then doing or wanting another thing. Or by not communicating his feelings at all. I don't know if this has been to rationalize his feelings of having never loved me or by trying to push me to be the one to leave or give up or that he felt he should have had someone better.
These are just random thoughts - but they have triggered in me a calmer sense of self and my belief and commitment that standing for my marriage is the right thing to do. I am making very sure that I communicate to my kids, family or friends who know - that I am heartsick about the situation but that I respect the fact that H has these feelings that are very real to him and that I cannot try to convince or persuade him otherwise. Deep down I believe that I am a good life partner who is always willing to improve. This time has been given to me for reasons of which I am not exactly sure - but I will use it to learn as much about myself and those around me so that I don't carelessly let precious time and moments slip away. What I wouldn't give for some of those moments back...
Thanks for letting me ramble! It helps!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Ok, sweetie, now you're onto something! This is where your true journey begins.
It is great to be as impartial as you can be (I know, how can you be impartial when it is so personal - but you know what I mean) when looking inside yourself and your marriage. Just make sure you acknowledge just your stuff. Let his stuff be his.
Very often, (or at least I did), the LBS takes on the whole burden of the problems. So take care not to blame yourself.
We did the best we could with the tools we had at the time.
Now we know better, so we can do better.
Give him plenty of space. Let him walk this.
Now it is your time to really figure out who you are and what you want.
I know how difficult it is to be at this point in your life and feel like you dont know yourself at all. We are so wrapped up being wife, mother, employee that we lose ourselves.
This is an opportunity to really figure it all out.
A friend stopped by and asked me to ride with her to the mall. So I did. She's younger (30) and has had her own "MLC moments" in her marriage where she wasn't sure her H was what she wanted.
She has a philosophy that if you don't have strong enough feelings for your spouse - then it is understandable to walk away. If you aren't in love with them (or as my husband has said "I don't love you the way a husband should love a wife") then you should leave because everyone deserves to be happy.
She is a wonderful friend and I love her to death - but I can't believe how far apart our philosophies are! I believe that the reward of a relationship is found in showing up and doing the work everyday. I believe feelings are generated through actions. At the end of the day - the character it takes to uphold a commitment to a marriage and to a family is one of the greatest rewards around.
I just needed to write it out - I felt a little overwhelmed by naysayers!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time