Heartbroken and needing help!

[irishblessings]

Day 2 with an empty house - and I'm doing ok. Had a fairly productive day at work / haven't accomplished that since H left. Getting a little more clarity - looking for bright spots to this alone time. First, I am emotionally EXHAUSTED! So, the quiet is helpful. Not sleeping great - but I figure that will come.

"Think Small" of the day: H texted me regarding S's game schedule today and his plan for traveling there. Thought of me one time today - ok. I texted back a thank you and appreciate the information.

I'm trying to begin dropping my guard or defenses to start looking at myself as an individual = separate from a wife. It's a completely foreign thing for me. Who am I? What do I want? How do I want to be received? What are my boundaries? What are the non-negotiable things I need to establish to ensure I am taking care of myself?

A friend asked me today about a situation regarding my S = in which my H and I disagreed. She asked me how it was resolved now that we are separated and I told her that I went along with H's recommendation. She asked me how I would have handled it in the past and I said I would have talked through or fought for my opinion. I told her that that trait in me is something that has driven a wedge between my H and myself. I learned that 3 years ago in MC and have worked really hard to recognize it and change. As H and I worked through that issue - I realized and shared with him that it is fear that usually drives that trait and that I typically just need someone to put their hands on my shoulder and say "it will be ok" to kind of "snap" me into reality. I think H didn't want to have to do that - he wanted to not have to deal with it at all. I don't think it was unreasonable of him.

Another thought that came to me as I was thinking about this was this feeling that very often, my H didn't want to have to "deal" or "work" with me on anything. It's almost as if he has been making sure I never succeed in the M by telling me one thing and then doing or wanting another thing. Or by not communicating his feelings at all. I don't know if this has been to rationalize his feelings of having never loved me or by trying to push me to be the one to leave or give up or that he felt he should have had someone better.

These are just random thoughts - but they have triggered in me a calmer sense of self and my belief and commitment that standing for my marriage is the right thing to do. I am making very sure that I communicate to my kids, family or friends who know - that I am heartsick about the situation but that I respect the fact that H has these feelings that are very real to him and that I cannot try to convince or persuade him otherwise. Deep down I believe that I am a good life partner who is always willing to improve. This time has been given to me for reasons of which I am not exactly sure - but I will use it to learn as much about myself and those around me so that I don't carelessly let precious time and moments slip away. What I wouldn't give for some of those moments back...

Thanks for letting me ramble! It helps!