Eric, isn't there any way to help him "detach" from her? and re-attach to me?
He has told me that he doesn't want to hurt me. But he has..sometimes it hurts just to be around him because I'm not getting what I want from him. To look at his face and remember all the good things we had. I know he hurts too..and I know he feels guilty about what he's done. I also know that his pride stands in the way of saying he's sorry. He's justified this A by believing himself and telling everyone else that he is in love with her. So, he's not like all those other guys who just cheat on their wives. Wouldn't it make more sense to do some stuff that will make him feel happy with me, instead of detach? I guess I associate detach with ignoring them..but that probably isn't it, is it? I don't know how to detach.I have read some stuff about it but so far it isn't making sense to me and I don't know how to apply it to my sitch.
PEI..at the end of your signature, it says Now in MLC. What makes you think that? I don't know your story..i'm still trying to figure out this forum thing and how to follow my own threads.
I am just floored by how prevalent this MLC thing is..I mean I have heard of it of course..but never expected to go thru it. And some of the behaviors of the MLCers are just so over the top. I just don't understand why they can't see what they are doing and get some help. It's almost like temporary insanity. My husband is a sensitive, caring and very intelligent man. How is it that he can't stop it? I know he doesn't love that OW.
Jack..in an earlier post, you asked me what kinds of things I was doing to GAL (or someone did)..and I mentioned quite a few of the things that were suggested by others that I'm doing. The problem for me is that I don't really understand how to detach without letting the whole thing go..which would mean divorce. I have done some of the DB stuff, I have stopped the pursuit, the crying/begging/pleading/constantly talking about the R, I have found other things to do other than wait around for him, tried doing the 180s. And it seems to have just made him feel like I'm ok with what he's doing..keeping in contact w/her, not working on the M, etc. For some reason..I'm just not getting it. maybe someone can explain the detach thing in a different way..or how to apply it to my specific sitch. Gees, I feel like such a dumba$$ when I can't "get" stuff.
Can't stay and post long ... just wanted to tell you that "NOW in MLC" referred to my switch from the newcomers forum to the MLC forum ... my H has been in MLC all along
GAL .... and honestly, I did a terrible job of detachment for a LONG time, or at least it felt like a long time! I had to actually separate and go dim to accomplish any level of detachment. If you have some time on your hands (ok, quite a bit of time, we all know I'm long winded!) have a read through my sitch ... you might get some ideas ...
PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
sometimes it hurts just to be around him because I'm not getting what I want from him.
Taylor this is going to be difficult because you are not going to get what you want.
One of the things about detaching is recognizing that you CANNOT control another.
The more you try this(controling or expectations) the worse you will feel.
Originally Posted By: taylor
Wouldn't it make more sense to do some stuff that will make him feel happy with me, instead of detach? I guess I associate detach with ignoring them..but that probably isn't it, is it?
A common misconception is that detaching means you don't care or love your spouse.
The important thing here is detaching is for you.
It is so you can take yourself out of the emotional rollercoaster so you can gain a clear perpective and begin to heal.
This is not done as a tactic to manipulate your H into some desired outcome.
Read others threads and you will see how this process plays out in their healing and growth.
As hard as this is for you to hear, your H is not in this M right now.
Your best thinking as to rectify this has brought you here. Yes?
I know you have heard this but you are in the best worst place to be.
Just listen (cyber listen of course) and read.
Detaching gets easier when you GAL.
Time to focus on Taylor and take care of Taylor
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Just skimming through your posts, thought you were further along in the process when I gave you the tips from Larry on my thread. Please don't follow that advice if OW is still playing a dominate role in your life.
How do you detach?
By having as limited contact as possible with your WH. If you're still living together, act like you're a male a college roommate with no interest in his life. Don't text him, call him, include him in any plans, etc. It may take time for the changes to sink it - or not, depending on how close you are and how troubled your situation is.
If you see the title on my thread, it's called "He's Loving the Freedom of the 180 - Now What?" because when I started posting in early May, about 3 weeks into DBing, my WH was enjoying his freedom WAY too much, spending too much time with OW and ignoring me and our kids. It took him a good 6 or 7 weeks to FINALLY realize that, "Hey - she doesn't give a d@mn WHAT I do - what's up with THAT?" It's only been in the last month - the last two weeks in particular - that he's come to realize that maybe OW ISN'T all that great, that my NOT caring isn't making him happy, and all in all, it kinda sucks to be him right now.
Meanwhile, I've gone from thinking I could never live without him to knowing full well I could. In short, the separation, detachment, and 180 has been REALLY good for both of us -- for completely different reasons.
Now that he's hit rock bottom or is pretty close to it because OW isn't filling his every thought and he's had time to access the damage he did, NOW I can finally start flirting with reconciliation.
You have to get to that point too - don't do things out of order, for both your sakes. There is no magic pill to fix things. It's called time + effort. And with MLCer's, you just can't speed things up.
I know that's not the answer you were looking for, but really, it's the ONLY way. You can't MAKE him give up OW. I tried and it nearly cost me my marriage. He has to decide on his own.
As Allen in the Infidelity forum says, there are only 3 choices a wayward spouse can make:
A. Try to maintain both relationships (cakewalk) B. Divorce spouse and take chances with OP C. Get rid of OP and rebuild marriage
Take away option A by detaching, and force him to chose B or C. The detachment gives them the opportunity to explore option B without necessarily divorcing. As most affairs fizzle in time, he will come to realize C's his best option.
I'll admit it's risky and very scary, flirting with option B, when your goal is really C. But the only other option is A, which is completely unacceptable to most faithful spouses. You have to force him to choose. And the only way you do that it by showing him what he has to lose by losing you. It will NOT happen overnight.
it makes perfect sense Red. Thanks for putting it so clearly and helping me apply it to my life such as it is right now.
A couple of weeks ago, he was listening to his vms on his cell phone..it was loud. I heard her name, her voice. And freaked. He told me it was an old vm and let me listen to it..it was old. But it sparked a conversation about his contact with her, which up til then I had thought was just one time since he broke it off. Come to find out they talk "occasionally". Last Sunday, I asked if I could use his phone to play a game on there. He said ok, with much reluctance. He gave me his pwd to unlock it and I played and played..he wasn't happy about it at all. the next day when I asked to play again, he had changed his pwd and again gave me the new pwd. he told me he didn't like it when I used his phone. I asked why..because he's afraid girlfriend might call or text while I was playing? He admitted yes, that was it. He said he has enough anguish in his life. Later I told him that I thought it was sad that his wife couldn't play a game on his phone because he was worried his GF might call. I asked him "what's wrong with this picture?" Then we went to the groc store and he was blatently gawking at all the women, one in particular. Even followed her into the pay line. I left the store and told him I'd meet him in the car. I was pissed. So..needless to say it's not the other woman he wants..it's the attention of WOMEN.
Like Grit says, he's not into this M right now. Guess I'll just have to be his roommate for now.
Thanks for your tips..I'll keep reading. Don't forget about me tho..I appreciate all the help I can get right now.
Taylor, Your h is experiencing replay, the one more time again. He's acting out like a teenager, i.e., the gawking at women and wanting their attention.
You need to watch the movie "It's Complicated".
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
