My UFO (unbelievably fabulous observations)

[hoosiermama]

thank you, gardener.

so I'm focusing intentionally again on healing, and reading some Schnarch and some Bowen. Working on differentiation--which I started my marriage out with, but at some point (perhaps losing babies, motherhood, other big changes) I lost it, and lost myself.

the hardest part of differentiation for me--based on FOO issues, of course--is remaining non-reactive in the face of anger or agitated anxiety from someone I'm close to. I can do it all day long pastorally; I had that "non-anxious presence" thing down. But then there was no risk to me involved. as long as I am mired in abandonment stuff and insecurity (and perhaps a bit of PTSD, altho that's fading greatly), I still have work to do. I think I've looked at that as just intrinsically "me," and it's possible that it is...but if I ever hope to get unstuck, I need to deal with it. anger and agitated anxiety feel like potential abandonment (or worse, a warning of physical violence), and I cringe and don't respond well. and xH knew that, had a big ol' Italian temper, and used it to his advantage, sometimes backing me into a corner and getting in my face (which always shut me down or left me shaking).

so--any wisdom on working with this particular demon?