I posted just a few days back but things are continuing to get worse. I have read DR book but I just can't seem to let go.
H continues to come home 6-7am. He finishes work at 2am.
I went through his old bank statements and realized that over a year ago (last May) he was going down to the bad end of town where the presumed gambling is taking place. Originally I thought the gambling started around christmas-him going to this area of town but now I realize it has been going on for much longer.
Does it change anything? No not really just means that he has been lying for longer than I thought...or having a secret life for longer than I thought.
I told him this AM that I was leaving with our D and he said "do what you have to do". He said that he doesn't want us to leave-that he wants to support us-he bought this house for us. Actually WE bought this house for us. He refuses to acknowledge the fact that I contribute to the household.
I then said that I would like to stay but things need to change and his response is leave me the F@!!* alone. I then asked for him to leave, which again he comes back with fine then you pay the mortgage. This time instead of backing down I said fine. I told him he had 2wks and to transfer the payments over to me and that I would carry the mortgage.
I now have to follow through b/c if I don't he will think that i am just bluffing and weak. I don't know what to do. I know that I can't live like this anymore but I am so scared that if I let him go he may never come back. Nothing makes any sense anymore and I am so scared
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
I am so sorry for your sitch. You seem a little panicked and we want to help. Have you and your H been having other issues in your M? I am trying to understand his comment to leave him the alone.
He works nights and you think he is going gambling between the hours when he leaves work and returns home?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Do you have seperate checking accounts? Is your paycheck direct deposited into your account?
If not, this is your first step. Go to the bank, open an account he is not on. You do not need him to do this. You can have your own account. Keep the joint, that's fine; just open a new one only in your name.
Then go to payroll with the new routing neumber and get your check deposit switched. It will prob. take 2-4 weeks to switch, but since H will need that long to turn over the mortgage to you, it should be fine.
Then tell H. Yes, tell him. Tell him that you realize his gambling is something he feels he needs to do and you've come to realize that this his his choice. But in order to make sure you have the money for the mortgage payment and other bills you may have, you need your paycheck to be seperate. End of story.
H and I have had sep. accounts for 6 years now. I will never go back to having a joint. I save, he spends. I pay bills on time, he is late and juggles late payments. I now pay the house, all utilities and my car and insurance, and all the kids sports stuff. He pays his car and his insurance. (I make more than him).
When you have control of your money and the house, you won't have to worry about him spending too much money and you loosing the house. You also won't have to keep on him about it, and your stress level will go down.
When he doesn't have the back up of your money to control as well, he won't have as much money to gamble with.
You can't stop him from gambling- and you should stop trying for now (it will only serve to make him escape you by gambling more), but you can help yourself take measures to be less stressed about it, take control of your well being.
Edited to add: gambling addictions can ruin lives. I know. I live in Las Vegas.
I am new here so please forgive me if I am not doing this right. I originally posted a couple of days ago. I don't know how to put a link to it in this post but it was entitled "My story". It was a very lengthy post...a bit of a novel actually but it will put the whole story into perspective
I believe he has been gambling after work. He works from 5-2am and is coming home at 6-7am. I can understand this once in a while but it has now become the new standard.
We have a 2yr D and he takes care of her during the day and with him coming home so late he is getting no sleep and I fear is becoming unfit as a father.
He wants me to leave him alone meaning don't call him, don't talk to him and just let him do what he wants. We have gone from a very loving caring relationship to nothing. I haven't had sex with him since May 30th and when we did it was terrible and he insisted we use a condom. It is all very out of character and I think he must be having an affair on top of the gambling....or maybe it is the end result of the gambling life
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
We have always had separate accounts so this won't be an issue. I think it is part of the problem with the marriage. H has never thought of us as together financially. everything is mine and yours...right down to our cars. I pay the bills in the house 1/2 the property tax, insurance on both cars, life insurance, house insurance, food and he pays mortgage and 1/2 the property tax. He would pay all other extra ciricular stuff ie. if we went away, clothes, out for dinner etc.
This is partly why I didn't know the gambling was going on. I have no idea how much or little money he has. I barely even know how much he makes!
I own my own business so have been quite dependant on him for a long time but this past year I got out of debt and net income was as much as him. I don't think I will be able to carry the mortgage for long but I need to make a change. If you want the full story it I posted a couple of days ago. I haven't gotten a whole lot of help so far and am feeling a bit discouraged with this forum. Perhaps I need to move elsewhere?
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
I haven't gotten a whole lot of help so far and am feeling a bit discouraged with this forum.
Here's how to get help:
- stick to one thread, keep posting on the same one
- post updates
- ask questions
-post on other threads, others will then search you out
What would you tell someone to do if you read your posts?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I called the daycare and basically told them that my husband and I were likely separating and I needed to get my daughter in urgently.
I am now sitting in my office crying. I think it is just that this is all becoming very real now and I am having trouble dealing. Can I actually go through with leaving if he doesn't? I know that I have to b/c if I don't we will think I am just all talk.
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
