During the conversation, one of the kids started crying in the other room, W was doing dishes while talking and I said, "hang on just a second" and stuck my head in the hall and asked the kids what happened. I came right back and said, "okay, you were saying Sally at work told you....." and picked up right where we left off. I thought it went well. She says I didn't listen at all.
Teachable moment.
you did what you would do if two men were talking. men like to multi-task, we like to be busy when we talk. you solved the problem with the kids because it was a distraction to you.
this is her perception (not saying you were wrong)
Quote:
She said the other day that she tried talking to me about her day at work and I kept walking off and staring up into space.
She wants your undivided attention, your focus - eyes, ears, heart and mind.
Solution - "I really want to be with you right now but the kids are distracting me and that's not fair to you. Let me go take care of that and come right back so I can focus on you. How does that sound?"
You can try telling her how you were really listening and that it's not fair how she characterised it. I bet you felt like you can never win. That's fighting emotion with logic. Try applying emotion to emotion, be a cat whipserer.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I bet you felt like you can never win. That's fighting emotion with logic. Try applying emotion to emotion, be a cat whipserer.
I do feel like I can never win. I always think about your phrase "cat whisperer". I like it, it makes me smile. I guess in the heat of the moment, even when I am making a conscience effort to give her my undivided attention, I slip up. I do realize that I didn't always listen the way she wanted and that it is important for her to share her day with me. I, on the other hand, could care less about the day to day doldrums at work. When I get home, I want to enjoy me wife and kids and leave work behind. You guys and gals have informed me that's not how women think. I am making the effort and I do care I'm just not doing it correctly. Maybe it's too late.
I know how much I have messed up and continue to try to improve myself for myself. I will be better equipped to handle all of life's ups and downs because of this. Still, I would really like to keep my family intact. I am and have been doing my part, now it's her turn.
Puppy says we're about at stage two. That's better than stage one. I hope we can move on to three and four before it's too late. I get the feeling I may just be getting started in this.
WHAT??? Which one?? I want to see a man multi-task! You guys think if you can walk and chew gum that that's multi-tasking?
You know, there have been actual medical studies of this, and neither men nor women can multi-task worth a crap.
Another myth bites the dust.
If you want to see it anecdotally, try driving behind a man or woman while they drive and talk on their cell phone. Might as well be taking swigs from a bottle of whiskey.
I have made copies of those studies that I hand out to bosses who try to tell me to multi-task more.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 07/07/1009:05 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
WHAT??? Which one?? I want to see a man multi-task! You guys think if you can walk and chew gum that that's multi-tasking?
I was typing that while drinking coffee, working on a proposal, reading another e-mail, looking over a training program, handwriting a thank you note, listening to jazz all while dreaming of my trip to Mexico. That was just with the right side of my body. Geez.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I was typing that while drinking coffee, working on a proposal, reading another e-mail, looking over a training program, handwriting a thank you note, listening to jazz all while dreaming of my trip to Mexico. That was just with the right side of my body. Geez.
You might want to look over that proposal now Ya know, just to be sure it's OK
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I do realize that I didn't always listen the way she wanted and that it is important for her to share her day with me.
opportunity.
"Wife I was thinking about what you said and I understand why you said it. I realized that I didn't listen the way you need and that it is important for you to share your day with me."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I hear you, Coach. Anytime I have tried going back and apologizing for something, she says it is fake. I'm just saying it or doing something different because she said something about it. It has never worked. Ever. Maybe it does and she is just saying those things because....? I really don't know.
I have done all that with my W, made the changes and is still doesn't matter. She just doesn't have "those feelings" for me anymore.
She was actually annoyed by the things I was doing. "Why are you asking about my day now, you never cared before, why do you care now?" My reply "After reading these books, I realize now how important that interaction is to you and I want to be there for you.
Regarding house cleaning I began doing: "See, you DO know what to do, you just CHOSE not to do it before! That makes me even MORE upset. How could you let me do all the work and get so run down." My reply, "I don't know, why didn't you ask me to help you?" She says "I shouldn't have to. I told you I was overwhelmed. You should have seen it." I said "Maybe since I thought you were working part-time and I was working so many hours that you doing it was part of the nonspoken agreement. I don't know. I want to help you now. Please ASK me to do things for you." Of course, I am also doing things on my own and I now ask her what she needs help with or wants me to do. Most of the time I get the response, nothing.
Regarding time with the kids: "I see you are spending more time with them, but are you just doing it for me? You have to be doing it because YOU want to." My reply: "I do want to and have been now that I haven't been working as much. Why does it matter why I am doing these things? The fact is that I am doing them because I want to and it is the right thing to do."
It seemed and still seems like I can't do anything right. She has admitted all of the changes I have made, but it still doesn't matter. It is her lack of feelings for me and her belief that her feelings will never change is what is causing her to divorce me now.
I have tried so hard, only to have little or no effort shown in return.
Gotta hang in there though.....As everyone says, this can take a LONG time.
WHAT??? 
Which one?? I want to see a man multi-task! You guys think if you can walk and chew gum that that's multi-tasking? 
Ya know, just to be sure it's OK