If he hasn't offered you FULL DISCOSURE of ALL HIS COMMUNICATION avenues to OW you need to assume he's communicating with her
WHen you ask him for transparency you tell him NOW... not "when I get around to it.."
This is an ADDICTION my dear, its not like in teh movies... This is REAL
You need to CHANGE your phone number, email etc... EVERYTHING that he might use to contact her... asking HIM to send her a NC email is pointless...
You can't go through HIM.. YOU need to get INTO the communication line in order to clean it up
If he goes onto teh computer you go sit beside him.. You just sit there and read a book or something... If he complains you tell him he LOST his right to trust when he CHEATED
Tell him he either commits to SHARED communication with you or you will not participate in this marriage anymore.. PERIOD
If he insists on hiding or makes ANY fuss about sharing everything at ALL TIMES ... Then you have a serious problem on your hands... He's playing games with you and NOT offering you a real commitment
You can't just ask him to share info and ask him to email her a NC letter... YOU need to get INVOVLED and STAY INVOLVED UNTIL... until YOU feel SAFE... at LEAST three to six months I would say...
THen you can slow down on the monitoring his activity
He also needs to REDUCE his PC use and stay OFF sites that promote online affairs : facebook, second life, etc
These are like online singles bars.. Tell him to STAY OFF of them... and configure your internet router to BLOCK them as well
Get INVOLVED.. you are being WAY TOO PASSIVE about this and it is JUST going to ESCALATE
Your HUSBAND is addicted now and he's just giving you escuses.. " i don't want her to hurt herself?" Please.. Is that why her top was off? Because she didn't want to HURT herself?
Just tell him NO you will not accept that and WAIT for him to comply... He sounds like he wants to work iwth you.. but you NEED to play HARD ball here or he will escalate this into a PA...
