As far as the camera, the IC suggested I not say anything about it and just continue to talk to the kids about what is/is not appropriate, as I do anyway, and about hwo we don't keep secrets, if we see anything inappropriate let mom know, etc etc. (Not just with Dan but in general.)
Her concern is that A)He isn't doing anything illegal so I can't stop him--she said just like if your ex smokes you can't make him stop smoking around the kids. And in this case he is not doing it around the kids as far as we know so it is even less 'enforceable'. And B)If I say something now he may lash out at the kids instead in some way
However on the planning front, regarding MIL and Dan, she suggested I very quickly make plans for today so that when MIL calls to ask about the museum we are already busy. However I told her that MIL had already mentioned it to me on the phone Monday night and I hadn't argued with her then so it didn't seem right. She said that's fine then but the very next time (because there WILL be a next time) either MIL or Dan make plans without consulting me, I have other plans, even if I fabricate them at that moment! So I will. It's the only way they will learn.
She did say to be firm however. So Dan texted this morning, "What are your plans with the kids today." I knew what he was getting at but just said, "Allergy shots and play outside." He did not reply.
Then 30 minutes later MIL calls to run the timeline by me for going to the museum today. Wanted to leave at 12:30. I was fine with that because really I do want the kids to spend time with their cousins and I am not going to fix something of Dan's through MIL.
So I texted Dan after that "You made it clear after Easter that any plans made would be through you not MIL. I am fine with them going but we agreed you would always ask me before she made plans."
He replied, "I told you Addie (my niece) would be here this week. If it doesn't work let me know."
Well, he did not tell me that, MIL did, but not going to argue about that bc he would use the old standby that I just 'never listen'.
So instead I said, "Telling me and asking me are two different things. They are going today but next time ask first."
[I know the whole drop the rope and don't respond thing but he needs to get this point and he was refusing to acknowledge that he hadn't asked to have them.]
His reply? "Well keep them today and they can play this weekend" because that's when he has them. Never mind the kids are already excited and then I would be the bad guy.
I said, "NO-they are excited, your mom told them Monday they were going. Just ask next time."
Him, "They can go when I would normally pick them up then."
Me, "NO, plans are made."
So I dropped it at that point. The very next time and each time after that I will have other plans already. I don't want them to miss cousin time but he needs to learn that he can't do what he wants whenever he wants.
However I told her that MIL had already mentioned it to me on the phone Monday night and I hadn't argued with her then so it didn't seem right. She said that's fine then but the very next time (because there WILL be a next time) either MIL or Dan make plans without consulting me, I have other plans, even if I fabricate them at that moment! 
So I will. It's the only way they will learn.
