When I sit back and think about things, I realize that I have not truely let go. I let go a little and do some of the things I should do. Then, I find myself sitting back hoping that this will be the thing that wakes her up. I won't have to file myself because she will realize she needs help and it won't have to go any further.
I know it is my actions that get the results, not words or threats. I am constantly wondering if I am reading something wrong, should I do A or B? Is she telling me she needs my support that I haven't given her in the past?
I continually have to remind myself to do the right thing no matter how much it may hurt. There is no easy in any of this.
I did understand your response, thanks for always checking in. It would be great to sit down and have a few beers with people here in person, wouldn't it? Some things would be a lot easier. I do have a few people that I can do that with that have gone through this. It does help. This board helps just as much. Finding the words to relay my feelings at times is a challenge. Maybe I'll be able to write a book about this someday!
It is hard to truly let go. I know because I feel the same way so often. I have thoughts back and forth on what I hope will happen.
It is difficult to know what someone else needs unless they tell you. You will have to see what her actions tell you.
You are right tofocus on doing the right thing no matter how hard it is. It is not easy and it hurts really bad, but it is how you deal with your sitch that will minimize some of the hurt to you and your wonderful kids. Always keep that in mind through this difficult time for you and your family.
I have not had any alcohol since New Years, and I would love to sit down with you and others on this board and have a beer. It sounds so good to me.
Take care of yourself. I really mean that!
ME-41 W-33 M-8 D-8 S-4 D 5/17/2010 www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1961097#Post1961097
I think you are doing a great job in your sitch. You really are having an impact on her, and it is good the position you have put yourself in the M for both you and your kids. Keep protecting yourself and your kids.
Who knows what WAWs are thinking.
I guess I will keep letting her know I will not live like this forever. She seems to soften a little but still won't commit to anything. Is it time for patience or should I keep pressing the issue of her moving out and filing for D? I think I know the answer. I am just so tired of all of this.
IDU I am sure she realizes you will not live like this forever and your actions more than your words will continue to show her that. She seems to soften, but she goes back to her normal self because she still does not believe that you will really follow through with what you say.
"She said she didn't understand why I was going to a L if I didn't want a D." Then you make statements such as, "She asked if I wanted to do the bills and I said we would do them together for a while."
These statements still make her believe that you are not as serious as you say you are. It seems to be what she is thinking. She still does not totally believe that you will not live like this forever. She does not believe you 100% that you will follow through, but she is starting to have doubts. It is your actions that are making a difference. This is just my thoughts.
Only you can and should decide if it "Is (sic)time for patience or should (you) keep pressing the issue of her moving out and filing for D?"
I hope you understood my response. It was difficult for me to write what would be so easy to say verbally.
Hey there, Puppy. Always good to see you checking in.
I beat you to agreeing with LSG.
He is dead on. It's still hard for me in the heat of the moment to say all of the right things. I think I'm getting closer. There is still that fear that's in the back of my mind that I haven't been able to completely let go of yet.
One thing I forgot to mention about our conversation the other day. W said that one of the reasons she suggested that we take turns leaving the house was so we could save some money and maybe realize what we had with each other while the other was gone. I think I just reiterated that I wouldn't leave the kids for even a night. I have read where a seperation may help matters. She is the one who want to S so she should still be the one to leave, right?
Just got back from meeting with L. This is the second one I have seen. The first was several months ago and I wasn't really prepared with the questions that I wanted/needed answers to.
Anyway, I gave her some background and let her know how things are now. I told her I would like to save the M if possible. If not, I want the best for my kids. She said with the info I had, the possible witnesses and other things, she would suggest filing, serving her and going for custodial parent.(something like that) She said she could subpoena cell phone records and some other things that I didn't know.
She then asked if I wanted a D myself. I said I would like to save my M but my W, at this point, is not willing to do so. The L said she has seen several times when the spouse that doesn't want a D goes ahead and files the paperwork and asks for custody, no child support, wants to keep the marital home, etc., the other spouse will "see the error of their ways." Kind of like what you guys say on here. She also said, as Puppy has told me, not to discuss anything we talked about with her. Maybe give her a week or two to decide if this can be fixed, or I will be forced to file myself to protect me and the kids. She said to be sure I am ready to follow through, though. Again, things I have learned here. She also gave me the # of a local P.I. and a couple of MC she recommends.
She said that, right now, I hold all the cards. With the cell phone records and other witnesses, teachers, parents and others, we could prove at least an EA and that would be enough to get the ball rolling and to lean things my way. I realize she will paint the best picture she can for me but I do feel a little more confident today.
One more step towards doing what I need to do and should have done long ago.
I'm sure I will need continued support on my path towards whatever the future may hold. I am finally standing up for myself, my kids and what's right. With each fear I overcome, a feel of liberation and relief comes over me. I am still concerned, but not paralyzed by fear. That's a good feeling.
We have already filed and have been meeting with the attys on income, CS and maintenance payments. Our first hearing for a temoporary order is next tuesday. I'll let you know how that goes for me. In my state, WI, it is a no fault divorce. Doesn't matter if someone had an affair or anything else. All you do is go in and say you have irreconcilable differences. Split everything 50/50. That simple, until it comes to the placement of the kids and future payments.
It sounds like what you are doing (being decisive, firm, and businesslike) is having an impact on your W, so I'd say more of the same is called for.
What bothers me is the weepy pleading from your W about the L and the house and the kids. That can be reality hitting her in the face (she can have her divorce but it ain't gonna be neat and tidy), or it can be her feeling bad that she is the cause of all this going down. But it doesn't seem like "Oh my God, what am I DOING? Am I NUTS? We've got to work on this marriage so that these horrible things don't play out!"
She'd love to keep her current life and combined income, no selling the house, no legal proceedings, no inconvenience of any kind, just with you completely out of the picture.
I think she is just scared of the unknown, worried about how she'll manage by herself, and struggling with the guilt of being the cause of the family being ripped asunder. Obviously she is unwilling to face it and wants to put it off as long as she can.
She's not willing to give up anything that exposes her to the OM, so that tells you what she has as her top priority.
Don't get sucked in by her tears. My W told me she wanted to separate to give herself the chance to "miss" me. Maybe that might work with no OM. With an OM, I think it is a waste of time. You won't miss who you are not thinking about as you are being entertained by an affair.
WAW Using God Me-43 W-40 M-14 S-11 S-9 D-7 EABomb 5/09 Separated 12/09
What bothers me is the weepy pleading from your W about the L and the house and the kids. That can be reality hitting her in the face (she can have her divorce but it ain't gonna be neat and tidy), or it can be her feeling bad that she is the cause of all this going down. But it doesn't seem like "Oh my God, what am I DOING? Am I NUTS? We've got to work on this marriage so that these horrible things don't play out!"
My thoughts exactly. She is used to me standing there and taking it from her, or whining and begging her to reconsider. Now, all I do is agree with her. She then says she didn't mean we need to see a L yet, it's just a possibility down the road. I then set back and wait, again, for things to get better. They may for a day but that's about it.
She said the other day that she tried talking to me about her day at work and I kept walking off and staring up into space. I know from being here what to do when she tries talking to me. I looked her in the eyes, validated and agreed with her, didn't offer any of my opinions, just listened. During the conversation, one of the kids started crying in the other room, W was doing dishes while talking and I said, "hang on just a second" and stuck my head in the hall and asked the kids what happened. I came right back and said, "okay, you were saying Sally at work told you....." and picked up right where we left off. I thought it went well. She says I didn't listen at all. I guess I should let the kids cry and hurt each other and tear up the house?
I don't want it to get mean and nasty, but I won't just let her walk all over me any longer. Hell, this whole process is nasty by nature, isn't it?
Hopefully she knows I won't just give into her anymore. Maybe reality will hit her in the face, maybe not. As long as I can protect my kids and my limited financial ability to take care of them, I will be okay.
What bothers me is the weepy pleading from your W about the L and the house and the kids. That can be reality hitting her in the face (she can have her divorce but it ain't gonna be neat and tidy), or it can be her feeling bad that she is the cause of all this going down. But it doesn't seem like "Oh my God, what am I DOING? Am I NUTS? We've got to work on this marriage so that these horrible things don't play out!" . . .
Don't get sucked in by her tears.
Exactly.
From my own personal archives:
Puppy's Stages of Remorse:
I do think your wife is in one of the early stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from:
Stage 1: "I'm sorry I got caught," to
Stage 2: "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to
Stage 3: "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware
Stage 4: "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
Your wife, to me, still sounds like she's somewhere around Stage 2.
