My husband's emotional affair

[justpeachy]

Back to today and the current EA...

In the first few days after discovery, I decided I wanted to stay and try to fix our marriage (even though up until discovery I had always told him, and others, that if he cheated again I was gone -- I even used to tell him I'd "make him pay" and "take him for everything I could" if he broke my heart again). I realized that despite this, I still love him very deeply, and that I take marriage very seriously and don't believe you enter in to such a commitment without being willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. I communicated this to him, and he said he really wanted that too. He kept telling me (even before I told him what I decided) that I was "a perfect wife", that he "needed me", he "couldn't live without me", he "didn't want to lose me and everything we've built/had together", and that he'd "never find anyone better than me/who could replace me". I told him he needed to go NC with OW, and he agreed. But he was having a really hard time with it, and having withdrawals. We called her on the phone, together, and he told her he had decided to stay with me, that I decided to stick by him and work it out, and that he had to end his relationship/friendship with her for good. Then I got on the phone and told her (in a very calm, mature manner) that I loved my husband deeply; that I wanted her to realize I wasn't just "DH's wife", but that I was a real person with feelings that were deeply hurt by what had transpired, and that I hoped she'd learn that so she'd never hurt herself or others like this again; that DH told me about her relationship and that I hoped she figured out a healthy way of dealing with those issues without hurting others in the process. She didn't really say much except that "It's not what you think. We are just really good friends". I responded that they were not really "good friends", they were having an EA. (I wish at the time I had thought to say "Good friends don't take their shirts off for each other on camera.")

DH then deleted her contact info from his phone in front of me. Unfortunately, he didn't delete her text messages, so the next day (when he was returning home from confessing to his parents), he tried calling her on a pay phone - but she didn't answer. He came home immediately and told me what he had done. I was upset, but told him I was proud of him for telling me. He claimed he was "worried about her", and feared that she might hurt herself, and he couldn't live with himself if he knew he caused someone to kill themselves. (Personally, I think that's some extreme reaching, and he admits she's never indicated suicidal tendencies before).

Over the next few weeks we spent a lot of time talking about issues in our marriage and with each other. I have been seeing an IC (ironically, I started seeing her a week before the discovery, and she had even asked me if I thought DH was having an affair, based on what I was telling her -- to which I responded "No. I don't believe that he is" -- so stupid!) and began to make some big changes in myself. I began working hard to not allow anger and resentment take over (and I think have been doing a really good job). DH has complained for years that he wants me to go to the gym with him or run with him (things he enjoys), and for my own stupid/stubborn reasons (some of which result from earlier days in our relationship) I would always resist (even though I frequently thought that I wanted to do those things with him, but was too proud/stubborn to back down). So I began going for walks with him, and then we began running together (he started training me). He also told me he doesn't feel needed by me because I'm a very independent person (learned from my own childhood issues/abuse), and instead of coming to him I usually just find the answers or figure out how to do things on my own. I accepted that, and have been making serious efforts to let him "take care" of me more (for instance, I injured my foot a week ago, and he offered to stay home from work to care for me -- normally I'd tell him "no" and that I'd be fine, but I let him stay home and care for me; and I also was patient and very open while he was giving me advice about running, whereas in the past I would have said "well, I read online that I should be doing XYZ instead..."). I've also been working to meet other needs of his, and correct other deficient behaviors on my part. Ultimately, all of these are things I wanted to change in myself anyway, and were what drove me to start seeing an IC in the first place. Whether he and I work things out, I know that I need to work on being healthier for myself, and for any future relationships I may have.

We've been looking for a MC, but have had a really tough time finding someone with availability that works for our schedules. I finally found someone and we have an appointment this Friday. Unfortunately, DH is temporarily on this insane working schedule (it's all legitimate), and he's on it until the emergency situation that precipitated it is over (which is currently a huge unknown). So, I may have to go to our first session alone. He says he is committed to going to MC with me. He even said he's interested in seeing his own IC so that he can work on the things that are wrong inside of him that caused him do this awful thing, and to deal with the unhappiness that he's been feeling for a while (a lot of which stems, IMO, from a lot of really difficult things we've been dealing with since shortly after our wedding, including my dad's suicide; a very traumatic/stressful/high profile incident he was involved in at work; my being laid off two weeks after that incident; us both being home together for 9 months while I searched for work and he was on paid leave; the trial for that incident which took place last month; buying a house together; and him starting to suddenly freak out about his career, education, having kids, etc).

Unfortunately, I did just learn the other day that DH has recently been back in contact with the OW. He did not tell me on his own. I asked him if he had had any contact with her in the last month (I had not been asking, because I was trying not to let suspicion and paranoia get the best of me), and he confessed that she had sent him an email and he replied. My gut tells me that it was more than just one email back and forth -- but I don't have proof. I told him that I appreciated him telling me, but that I was very disappointed that he did not tell me on his own after it happened. I told him that we needed complete honesty and openness in order to truly heal and repair things. I then told him that I needed him to actually write a "No Contact" email to her, which I needed to see before he sent it, and that he had to truly commit to cutting it off for good. I also said that, going forward, he needed to immediately tell me about any contact/attempts, by either him or her, and that such honesty and openness would earn him major brownie points with me. He agreed. I also said I needed him to open up his email accounts to me, and his computer (which he has locked with a password). He agreed -- although he has not done it yet (this conversation happened two days ago). I hate to have to push... but I guess I'm going to have to force him to just do it. I'm sure he probably used this time to delete any incriminating evidence. Honestly though... I'm willing to let that go if he can finally commit to the NC and to full disclosure.


Anyway... I'm sorry this is so long, but it's a month of pent up stuff that I needed to just get out. For those of you who have been there/done that, can you offer any guidance on my situation? Do you think I'm handling things appropriately? Are there things you think I'm not looking at right? Do you think I'm foolish for wanting to stay and fix things, even though this isn't the first time? Any other advice/insight is greatly appreciated!