However,. if he isn't doing anything and she asks him to watch the dog and he so chooses, then it is perfectly fine. Just don't go out of your way if you have other plans. And DO keep on making other plans.
That's just it, Gooch. I've followed OIN's sitch from the beginning, and there ain't no "keep on" in this. He's NEVER DONE THIS yet.
What TH and I are saying is, if he doesn't actually go HAVE other plans, and keep busy occupying himself, and he responds to her every beckon call, then he can make every speech and grand pronouncement in the book, and his wife will just keep using ACTIONS to suck him back in.
Don't BOTH his words AND his actions need to say "You're right; I agree; I think it's best we both move on"??
For example I would go somewhere and ask W if she would like to join me, if she said no I would say "Why not?" or not go myself. I had to many expectations.
this is a quote from a post oin made a while back when he wanted to take the 'soft' approach to db-ing. which btw, he still has not defined what he meant by 'soft' approach.
why would you need to follow up her response with "why not?" if she says no. and what's even worse .. if she says no, he won't go either!
It took a lot to get to the point where I am and I know I still have a long way to go. I don't not feel within myself that I have entirely dropped the rope as I should but I am working to that point.
I realized that all while my W was holding on to the past 10 years and how 'terrible' and what a waste they were. I too was holding on to the 10 year but only the 'good times' and tried to convince myself it was worth saving. When I thought about our R and how it will never be the same no matter what, either it will be better than what it was or we would be worse, it was then easier to 'let go.' I don't want the R we had for the past 10 years.
And since, either way you look at it, with or without my W, in any R I may have I would had to rebuild just like starting all over again. ====================================
About responding to W's TM. Keep in mind that my W does not have the advantage I do and have access to all your great advice. She only knows her way of doing things. Me not responding to a TM is not me GAL, to her it is her being ignored. AS it is now we are still heading for divorce and I don't want to make it any worse than it has to be.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
See, by you saying your W only knows her own way of doing things you are still fearful of her reaction. If she feels ignored, well, there is nothing you can do about that. You cannot make her feel something different.
She wasn't all that concerned about YOU feeling ignored when she was having her affair. In fact, she had little care about your feelings then. Yet somehow you found resources to help you through. If your W is serious eventually she will go looking for resources just like you did. If she doesn't then nothing will ever change.
See, by you saying your W only knows her own way of doing things you are still fearful of her reaction.
I do not feel that way. I am not concerned how my W handles me now agreeing with her on divorce being the answer for the very reasons you stated. I am concerned about her being childish enough to make the divorce process more difficult than it has to be. I know I can't control that but I can maintain civility.
M: 27, W: 25 Together since: 01/31/00 M: 10/4/09 (8 Months) ILBNILWY: 01/24/10 EA confirmed: 02/10/10 (Busted). Road to Reconcile began: 07/10/10 Retrouvaille: 09/10/10
See, by you saying your W only knows her own way of doing things you are still fearful of her reaction.
I do not feel that way. I am not concerned how my W handles me now agreeing with her on divorce being the answer for the very reasons you stated. I am concerned about her being childish enough to make the divorce process more difficult than it has to be. I know I can't control that but I can maintain civility.
Thats pretty wild that she's totally focused on the bad things and you are focused on the good things. So I guess with that being it, and even out of your new interection for the last 16 weeks you are still being picked apart by her.
See, by you saying your W only knows her own way of doing things you are still fearful of her reaction.
I do not feel that way. I am not concerned how my W handles me now agreeing with her on divorce being the answer for the very reasons you stated. I am concerned about her being childish enough to make the divorce process more difficult than it has to be. I know I can't control that but I can maintain civility.
Don't make any assumptions for any of her actions, you don't know if she's going to be childish, adult, mature, civil, angry, etc.
Your marriage is a very, very young marriage. Less than one year. That will help you in the D proceedings. You both are employed, you both have your own health insurance and you have no children so spousal maintenance/insurance/child support won't even come to play. The house will be the only issue.
Your W can act however she wants when it comes to the D but NY has very specific parameters on how things need to be done and there is no deviation from the process. If she wants to act childish or angry during the D proceedings let her attny deal with it. As for the actual process it won't have any bearing on you.
